Young Writers Society

Hello AliceinBlue! Wendy is here for a quick (I hope) review! If there is anything that you hightlighted/disagree/disapprove/dislike in my review, feel free to comment or PM me. or if there is that you like/encourage/delighted from my review. Feel free to comment, PM, sent me a gift, put a like on my novel (General Behind Me), review it, comment it anything are fully acceoted with an open arms! Ps. Don't sent me a death threat.

I start the review from the top as I slowly read down. Pausing midway to type. My laptop on the reviweing and my phone on reading.

"The sound of crackling wood." Where does the wood sound from. Since it was burning fire and brimstone(which I believe it's sulfur) in place of her heart. Where does woods come from to play its role?

"This is how the story starts. A girl was born of fire and brimstone" This phrase is repeated twice. I hope that it was a copy and paste error. Maybe if you were like <the girl that was born of fire and brimstone grew and so does her fire.>

Ash? Ashhhhh??? She is a raging fire, I dont think is something to describe her yet. Like literal ash or just her burning was too much that its leave her fiery heart, cold? If she was literal ash, it would indicate that she is not this indestructive fire burning girl anymore.

Squishy bits is a major downfall. It was talking something like a raging inferno turns to squishy mushy gushy mitches (I'm exaggerating, I know. Sorry)

In the only way she knows, in the only way her fire knows how. <In the ways she knows, in the way only her fire knows>

The teachers? does it means she is in a school? What about her parents? other adults? Unless the teachers play a significant role in the future chapters. Cause teacher seems too random popping out from the smoke the girl !fuming! out.

Only just at this point, I come to realise that "This is how the story starts" is part of the lyrical story. It seems too sudden because the paragraph between each 'This is how the story starts" is uneven and no rhythmic endings.

cages? Oh, cages. It is a imaginavtive cage to contain the fire in her. She was ask to contain her fire. Never once mention caging it, So, suddenly mention about caging seems too random and sudden.

"Holes where the fire gets lose" fire burns through the holes. Fire don't get lose.

"A fire left unattended will consume everuthing in it's path, decouring it's own life source." Loving this!

This is how the story begins, therre was a girl of fire and brimsome, but no more <there was a girl of fire and brimstone, that burns no more>.

From the point of "this is how the story begins" up to the point of "The story starts with an answer" was actually kind of messy, fast forwarding and not smooth.
-This is how the story begins, i believe ther is no need to summarize everything from the top, you can, but the major problem is. It is unsmooth and was using the same words used up context. Maybe try too rephrase it using differents words bit ends up the same meaning.
-This is how the story starts, I actually have forgetten every paragaraph starting above, I belive it was the same; starts/begins.
-This is how the story starts, maybe try to change the identity of the other girl. because I thought when girl met another someone, her fire became wild and free.
-The story starts with a question. there is not much of a smooth flow or ring to it,

The story goes like this, there is not much to say about it, excellent uses of vocabulary.

I don't think a cage needs a "reinforced" infront of it. it's pretty unnecessary.

the girl who's <whose> fore<fire was never contained

Before, you have mention the fire wilted. Plants wilted. Fire dimmed, died, smoked out. (I'm not pretty sure, if you are pretty sure of the fire wilted, then go ahead).

I believeif there is ice present, the fire would have relly been extingusih completely, how is that the untamed fire girl open up an airway and thr fire would suddenly be alive (unless it's pure metaphor with no logically explanation behind it)

The girl who's fire. <whose fire>

often forget <forgets> ( the girl is a singular, s after verbs)
It is worth it every time the girl feels like herself again. <It is worth for every time the girl feels like herself again>.

burning them with the very thing they would control. <they want to control>

The ending rocks!

Overall, I beileve you are trying a more lyrical approach to this short story but it is lacking and not smooth, it seems too much repetitive instead of a great legend being preached out as a slight poetry. They are actually more word you can use in this story to enhance the vocabulary usage. The "This is how the story starts/begins" left me all confused and I need to reread a few times to get what you actually meant. Because every time the paragraph starts with this, I believe it was a repetiting story of the girl, but it was countinuing. Then in the end, when everything was done telling. Your paragraph starts with the same "This is how the story starts" I was expecting another countinued story, but to actually realized that it was a summary to all the above story. I was a hard hit to my shaft on the supposed smooth river. So, please be cautious on this writing style.

Apologized to any spelling mistake I make and donw in this review, I'm typing in the dark at an ungodly hour. So, I should go now.

Till then!

~Wendy

This is amazing! I saw the second part and after reading it, I knew I had to read the first part. I love the writing style, it is very different in a wonderfully unique way. The story is very good, and the descriptions are amazing, however, this part, "It whips about her, protecting the hurt inside, protecting all her squishy bits.", feels a bit awkward when compared to the other ones, specifically the "squishy bits" part, but I think it can easily be fixed. The tone you use is very methodical, and the way you describe the character, both directly, and especially indirectly, is very nice. Can't wait to see the other parts of this story!

Hi there!

Wow, I loved the narrative voice in this, although I agree with Drac that the story-starter sentences toward the end were used too frequently and got repetitive. I was also a little confused at first when the second girl was introduced, because neither girl was named, so you had this sentence like

This is how the story starts. The girl meets someone, and her fire is free and wild.

This is how the story goes. Once upon a time there was a girl, but now there is a wildfire.

This review courtesy of

Ahoy there, AliceinBluue! I'm here to review.

The noticing comes later.
I really liked the narrator's voice. This off-hand remark was my favourite. It's great how you gave it its own paragraph, I can almost imagine them shrugging as they say it. It's like a student asking a question and the teacher says: We'll get to that later. Another part of the narrator's speech I particularly liked was the beginning: This is how the story starts. It basically introduces them as an outside character telling the story. Something you could watch out for, for the sake of making the narrator even better, is unnecessary repetition and 'fluff'. Some repetition is great, especially with a 'fairytale' kind of tone. Some is redundant and just adds extra words. An example I found is towards the start, where you write, they did not see that the light that shone from her eyes... 'That' is said twice in close proximity, and the sentence would flow better if it was reworded to something like: They did not see that the light shining from her eyes.

She finds them, and she wields them shut.
This is only a nitpick, but I don't believe that wield is the correct word. Wield is more like holding or possessing. You might have meant welding (as in melting metal together) or 'wills' as in she used her will-power to contain the fire.

The story goes like this.
The starting sentences are very effective and useful, but as I mentioned above, don't let them get repetitive. Towards the end, you use these starters every couple of paragraphs, or more often. It gets distracting. Instead, try to have just a beginning, middle, and end and make those clear and powerful. Also, I suggest making it more obvious when the second girl comes in. I was a little confused when I moved from one to the other.

For the moral... I guess this is like poetry and there's lots of different ways to interpret it. But for me, it speaks about not conforming to society's standards and hiding your true self. It's about finding people who are like you and can support you, help you become the best you can be. It's about not hiding but breaking free. Is that similar to the message you were wanting to get across? Anyway, I thought this was a sweet little poem with a strong underlying message. Thanks for the great read.