Young Writers Society

Neptune. As demon devoures on every waking hour. I may not truly understands it. But I know stories of it

Okay, away the dark. Here for a quick review. In honour of February 2018 Review day. We're on the same team. Go Red!

Anger can be range from annoyed, shimmering heat, cold anger, angry, fury, rage and wrath.
But no matter how angry one is. Its never pretty.

I love how you describe how angrr is like the volcano and oceans.
The juxaposition. Of espacing when you're weak, but wants you to be strong. Attached on you with no choice
It's part of you, but as a curse. You wanted it to stop. But once its gone. Wouldnt part of you that was it be left empty?

A deeply emotional poem. Keep up your good work and hope to see you again!

Two small hands are all you need to stop a volcano. In this universe, on this planet, in this life there is only one impossibility and that's existence of the impossibility itself. Snobbish answers aside this poem describes a struggle of every poet (and not only poets, I guess) and I must say I love it.
There's the thing, (If I 'll get into a deep analyses.) you say: "My demon escapes when I am weakest it wants me to be strong". I guess if you take demon metaphorically and say when I'm weak demon is strong than I guess that's what demon is longing for (to make you weaker than you are not vice versa) . And that way with a strong demon (again, metaphorically) you will indeed dominate, destroy and fight.
I want to see more of your poems, this is your first published poem and it's written long ago. We need more Neptune, we need more

Anger, huh?
This is a poem which anyone can easily relate to. It's clear and concise, yet well-thought out. I really feel like you've put your whole heart and soul into this, and that's important when it comes to poetry. Your imagery is easily understood, and completely captivating.
When it comes to poetry, the main thing is how it makes the reader feel. This poem feels...well, lonely. Yet, at the same time it makes me feel less lonely. It makes me feel like there are others out there, others who really aren't so different from me.
Thank you, Neptune. This is a masterpiece, and I can't wait to see more of your work.

Hey Legacy here for a review.

I do like the imagery you have here although it is very vague. I wish it wasn't as vague but it could be what you were looking for as the more vague you are, the more it leaves to the reader to figure out what you are meaning. But in this instance, I would add more detail personally.

I love the last three lines, it's something that many people can relate to and one of the only times when you aren't very vague.

I would add more detail, but this is a good start especially for a first poem (I'm assuming from the description). I wish you good luck on your poetic journey. ~Legacy out.

Hey neptune, congrats on posting your first poem here.

So, although the metaphor of anger to a explosive volcano has been done many a time before. I do like how you interwove the idea of it being an inner demon that needs to be hid into the metaphor too.

I took the overall meaning of the poem to be that the speaker feels volatile, like there is always anger growing inside of them and that they're about to burst. Their anger is a demon for them that they try to control, and yet they realize that this anger is a part of them that they have no ability to stop.

I think you do a good job using different terms to add emotion and explanation to this "volcano" inside of the speaker, but I think there could be a bit more specificity. Right now everything is fairly general in this poem, which is a great framework but doesn't give the reader much to hold on to. For instance the speaker says "I want to destroy" but we don't know what they want to destroy, or what, or how. You give us the imagery of a volcano, but only use the adjectives fiery, and angry, when there is so much room for further description. There's some talk about weakness and strength but no clarification at what causes those moments. Also the line about how the demon "makes me, me" is really intriguing, but we don't get any further explanation. I basically am wondering if you could dig a little deeper into some of these concepts, don't be afraid to give a little specificity and make it in real terms rather than just the hypothetical or general.

I didn't think that it was too much of a problem to vary the line-lengths in this piece, because it sort of mimicked the changing content and theme. The wacky punctuation and capitalization choices in this piece I thought were a bit distracting, but maybe there was a hidden meaning I didn't pick up on. Overall, you have a good starting place for your piece and I'm curious to see what you'll write next. Nice work!

~alliyah

Hello, neptune, PastelSlushie here for review number 17 for #RevMo ! Let's get right into it!

Before the actual review starts, I would like to say that I am just now opening up to poetry, so my apologies if my review isn't helpful, or is a carbon copy of another.

Nitpicks) This seems to be in all one big text. My suggestion would be to use separation of stanzas so the reader can follow this up easier, and so the flow can be smoother. You can use symbols such as - or ~ or anything else you want to use to let the reader know a new stanza is about to start. This also seems to have no capitalization or rhyming scheme in this, either. If it was a stylistic choice, then take it with a grain of salt.

Flow) I really can't say much on flow because there's no rhyming scheme, so I'll look into the meaning for this part. As Aley and Thieving said, I wish you would have gone into more detail and atmosphere on the narrator going from a quiet, cool ocean to a raging volcano. It is pretty strong itself, but now would be your chance to go into more depth about it, making your poem even stronger and deeper.

Overall) There is nice imagery here. The last three lines really bring the poem all together and wrap it up nicely. The only problem I could find with this poem is what I stated above.

Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces,

Pastel

Hey hey, Ardently here for a review!!

I'm a little intimidated by what Aley wrote, so instead of doing a major critique I'm gonna stick to what I'm good at: pointing out the stuff I like!!

First I agree with what Aley said, that the idea behind your poem is really strong! The whole idea of fighting against some powerful force that you have no hope of defeating, but fighting anyway because you want to and because you need to, is a theme I've seen quite a few times, in tragedy, but also in other genres. And personally it's one I'm a fan of. The whole idea not being the fight itself, but rather why we fight when we don't have a chance of winning is quite a compelling one in my opinion and I think you've done a great job of pointing it out here.

The contrast between the cool ocean you normally are and the fiery volcano that anger turns you into is one that I wish you had explored more. Not just getting more into what the volcano as feeling is, like Aley said, but also more of what you want to be. Have the ash and soot and lava, but then have the cool waves against your skin, the smell of salt in the air and the way the water shines under the sunlight. Show us the contrast between what you wish you could be, and how the anger makes you in a little more depth and I think that would be quite powerful and interesting to read.

Finally, just the last 3 lines really come back to the whole conflict of your poem. There's hope in them, but also hopelessness and I think, like I said earlier, the whole contrast of fighting a hopeless battle, is quite a strong idea.

"I want to put an end to the anger, but with two small hand I can't possibly stop a volcano"

There's some nice imagery there, of the powerful force and the futile fight, and it really left me with a sense of something that I don't quite know how to word, but something poignant.

~ Ardently <3 ~

Hello Neptune,

Thank you so much for sharing your poetry with us this RevMo! I'm always really excited to see a new poem to review on YWS and with Review Month this month, that's really no exception.

I think your poem is really strong when it comes to the ideas behind it. You're talking about an inner urge, or desire, and it's something that we all fight with in our own ways. It's that feeling like you really want to destroy something, or act out, or be bad, and we have to constantly tell ourselves No, that's not us. That's not what we're choosing to be. I think your poem is powerful in that respect.

I think it could be more powerful if you went deeper into this metaphor of a volcano. If you dive into that idea of a volcano as these feelings, than why not describe the whole situation? Let's get into the ash and the soot, the lava/magma and the crystals that volcanoes leave behind in the endless caves they create from their magma cores. Let's talk about all of it, not just a part, and get into the more vivid details about this situation. The reason I'm pushing that way is because poetry is about making something relatable, but individual, and in this poem you have an individualized concept of magma being your "demon" [unoriginal concept] and I love that you're stretching it! I want to see more. The further away from what you've heard before you go, the better the poem will become. The less people could say the same poem, the better your poem will become.

After that, you just have to do the word choice, line punctuation, ignore rhyming, and develop stronger lines. Those are the easy things! You're getting the hard job first, which is to get as vivid as you can with your metaphors, and focus on one metaphor at a time. That should help you improve your specificity in the poems and develop your abilities towards clarity and ingenuity.

In the mean time, consider joining the Poetry Writing Contest~! Poetry writing contest

Happy RevMo!
Aley