Hello! Saw this quick little chapter and thought I'd try and help you get it out of the green room. Let's get started with the review, shall we? 
So, the first thing the caught my attention was all the text being in italics. There's nothing grammatically wrong there. Just something that caught my attention as a reader. I'm assuming this must be some sort of flashback scene? Don't need to clarify this at this point, though.
I could hear them whispering my name "Sardothein," they cried.
It sounds like you're trying to incorporate modern speech nuances here. That's great! Helps your writing sound more natural and appealing to read. However, be careful when you do so at the peril of breaking grammar rules. In this case, you're getting into the danger zone with your mid-sentence quote. I would suggest putting a period after "name" to avoid this.
This library was really starting to frieghten me.
Should be frighten.
Also, this is a sentence that's doing more "telling" than showing. Again, it sounds like you're trying to mimic modern dialect to help the reader get through the sections where you're doing scenery building. Again, that's great! But you shouldn't sacrifice writing principles in the process.
I had only come searching for a book concerning Neith, the Egyptian goddess but ended up getting lost among the shelves. When I called for aid the only voice I could hear was my own echo.
Comma after "goddess" because that phrase is describing "Neith" and you need a comma before the "but" because it's a conjunction.
Comma after "aid" because this is a prepositional phrase. Also, "aid" is not wrong here, since it does have the definition of "help, typically of a practical nature". But the way you're using it sounds more like you're asking for "a person" which would require it to be "an aid" which sounds weird. I think using "assistance" or "help" would remove this ambiguity. But, that's just my ten cents.
Deeper into the maze of the organs and flesh of dead trees I went. As the voices grew louder, the wind colder, I allowed my imagination to takeover more and more.
Beautiful imagery here. However, be careful of the English language here. I initially read this are "maze of the organs AND flesh of dead trees". I had to reread this to catch you're referring to the whole tree used to make the paper in the books of the library. I think removing "of the organs and flesh" will help clarify this section and still keep the great imagery. It also gives a small reprieve in sentence-length before tackling the following sentences that are a bit on the lengthier side.
"The wind colder". This is also throwing me off. Isn't Sardothein in a library? Where is the wind coming from? You can still have this in the story, but--as a reader--I'm puzzled as to why this doesn't seem odd to your character?
It wa futile to stop me being curious for I become quite obstinate. I am usually more astute than this but whatever was calling my name had me in it's thrall.
First some grammar: should be was and the possessive its.
Second, there's some character logic issues. In the previous paragraph, it was implied the voices calling Sardothein's named scared this character. Now Sardothein is curious about them? That's fine if you want to make that emotional shift. But there should be something in the monologue to justify that shift. Something to justify why hearing their name is inspiring curiosity when before it inspired fear.
Peering around a corner I observed something truly peculiar.
Prepositional phrase. Needs a comma at the end.
I'm seeing a lot of this issue through out your chapter, so I'm not going to keep mentioning it. Just keep in mind it's happening.
... arsenic coloured robed ...
Coming from a biochemist, arsenic can come in many different colors. From silver, to white, to orange-ish red. So, I'm not certain what color you're trying to describe here.
... each with hair as black as tar and soft like a fine silk nightgown.
Great description! Though, I am curious why they all have the same color and texture.
Nothing wrong with that. Just curious as a reader. Don't need to tell me or clarify this in this chapter.When they noticed me staring they dissolved into the darkness of the shelves lined with books from only one genre, fantasy.
This should be a colon, not a comma. The sentence is complete without the word "fantasy" and you're introducing an item (type of genre).
I was feeling very diminutive as the bookshelves seemed to grow larger and larger but then everything started to change. Books were turning into branches with acid green coloured leaves, shelves into tree trunks, marble floor into dirt and grass and even torches
... I was extremely fatigued.
There are times when you do a really good job with showing instead of telling. Such as when you're describing the books and shelves changing. But it sounds like you struggle with this issue when trying to illustrate the emotions of your character. Such as the "extremely fatigued" part.
I cannot however disclose the events that happened next for I cant recall what they were.
Should be can't.
I appeared in a bed that felt just like the one at home, the room that I had been sleeping in mocked my own but did not feel the same.
There are two complete phrases around this comma. Either break this into two sentences or turn that comma into a semi-colon.
Rising from my, I mean this bed was impossible due to the fact that someone had tied me down to it.
Use em dash to denote interruption. Should be: my--I mean 'this bed'--was. The quotes clarify what's being replaced, since you're using the speech nuance 'I mean' here.
Screaming for help was also hopeless for no words were leaving my mouth no matter how hard I pushed them out.
Now this is a better "showing" sentence than a "telling" sentence. Do more like this, and this chapter will be golden.
Had not seen him before yet it felt like I'd known him forever when i looked into his eyes.
UGGGGHHHHH. This is tough. Clearly you removed the "I" at the beginning to make it mimic our speech patterns. And you can definitely do this and have it work. But here, it doesn't sound natural to me. Maybe if you had used "hadn't" instead of "had not"? Since people tend to abuse contractions in their speech.
As for the bolded part, should be I.
A crimson and magenta robe covered his body that I’m sure is as beautiful as his face.
Tense change. Should be was.
“You may receive your voice, IF, you promise not to yell or ask too many questions,” he said ... I hadn’t noticed the collar around my neck until he placed the key in it and unlocked it. “Thank you,” I whimpered.
Collar around their neck? Oh dear...
Also, you make a new paragraph when you have a new speaker.
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Overall:
There's some grammar/typo issues here and there. Definitely need to be careful about conjunction-commas and prepositional-commas.
I really do like that you're trying to make the speech sound natural. Especially with a fantasy novel, since it'll help your readers become more engaged in the story, even when you have to spend time describing your world and the events that occur in it. But, for me, it doesn't feel as natural as human speech just yet. But definitely keep experimenting with that.
As for the story, there's definitely curiosity on my part as to why Sardothein was looking up information about Neith. Very curious about how the beginning scene in the library ties in with the guy at the end. Basically, you have a lot of mysterious elements to draw in readers for a first chapter. So, good job there.
However, I did have some issues with your character logic in some places. I mentioned the shift of emotions pertaining to the voices above. But there was also the ending scene with your character being tied to a bed--with no idea how they got there--but still commenting that his body is probably as beautiful as his face? It's really difficult to comprehend the level of danger and fear this character might have when they themselves don't seem to feel it either. Thus, it sort of kills the tension of this scene as well as the last scene where your character blacked-out.
But, that's my ten cents as a reader/critic. Hoped something from this helped!
Land marking this as my 100th review
Points: 12486
Reviews: 111
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