Young Writers Society

Hello there, DemonGoddess. I’ll be reviewing your work for this review day! So without further ado, let’s dive right in!

I have to admit, the fourth line (fa) was not the most creative. I was expecting it to be transformed into a much different line like every other line. It definitely lacks the creative side and seems like you just slacked off here. Maybe try pulling out a better line here? Something that will transition from the third line to the fifth line? Because right bow the transition seems weak and it doesn’t make sense. Up until this point, the poem was pretty good. I feel like it went downhill from this fourth line.

[la], guess what comes after so,

Heya, DemonGoddess, GooseLuck here to do a review for you! So let's take flight, shall we.

Now, I remember watching the sound of music a long time ago, and from what i recall I didn't like it all too well. Then again, I've never been a fan of musicals and such, not even disney. But anywho, let's get to this review.

The first line is okay, decent enough, but I wish that there was a better transition from that to the blood. It's like my mind went from girl to cutting automatically, and even if that's not what this is about, it wasn't a decent transition and I didn't like it in the best.

The next thing I noticed about this was the flow, around the ending it just seems pretty eh, and I couldn't really fit it to the Do:A Deer from the Sound of Music,so if you could maybe record it in that flow that might be helpful?

The next thing is the ending itself, which I found was a tad bit bland compared to the rest of the poem and ending on quite a cliche notice, but that could just be me, and this is a paraody of a cliche musical, so it is a bit understandable why it would seem that way and it could just be me.

Anyway, I think that this as a parody has potential and you could do with it as long as you go back through and edit out the kinks and work on it. Practice!

I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, GooseLuck

This was so like, I cant explain. It was like, deep, and like wow.

Hi Kara, this is a difficult topic to tackle but I'll leave a few my thoughts I had.

So, first of all I'll say that I find the mix of the song "Do, A Deer" with this sort of content somewhat disturbing. Not that that's bad, especially if you're going for a reaction. But that mixture of the almost ridiculous and idealistic joy from the Sound of Music mixed with the depression and sadness expressed in the piece is jolting and holds my attention.

I think as far as formatting I'm not as bit of a fan of the parenthesis. I think it makes the piece seem a little uneditted and the line with "tears/ ti[ars]" is somewhat awkward to read too. I would suggest just writing out the real words, because if readers already know from the title it's a play on the song Do, Re, Mi etc. then they won't have trouble deciphering that from what's written, even without the parenthesis. If you're worried readers won't get it, I feel like italics would be less distracting than parenthesis is this scenario too.

So I would format it like this (with the changes in the blue text):

doe, a girl, a teenage girl

red, a drop of crimson blood

me, the trash she calls herself

far, the long long way she'll go

so, friends turned against her

la, guess what comes after so

tears, the liquid they will shed

there will never be a do

again

'ello DemonGoddess and Happy Review Day to you!

This is kind of a sad parody of this popular song - depressing, I guess you could say. But I like how you did your own version here. It was interesting.

One thing I did note, though, was how these syllables related to the words following them. Or rather, didn't. The original song Maria sang was to help remember each syllable in a fun way, therefore the words following the syllable related to it. As in "do, a deer, a female deer" because you know, a female deer is a doe. But here you didn't quite do that. Only in some instances, as with the mi, fa and ti(ars) - which I thought was quite clever, by the way.

It threw me off a bit when I first started reading. I was all, but a "do" isn't a girl, a teenage girl! That thought was only established more with the ending line, "there will never be a do (again)" I've never heard of teenage girls being called "do"s.

so, friends turned against her

so, friends turned against her
la, guess what comes after so
ti(ars), the liquid they will shed

Hey there! MJ stopping to give you a couple of suggestions.

Suggestions:

do, a girl, a female girl

so, something against her head

ti(ars), the liquid that will shed