Flashlight Monsters

by SilverBerry

My friends and I have to walk through the forest everyday

But the thing is, the forest is always dark

And somber

And terrifying

And I don’t really want to go in

But we're surrounded, so we have to.

There are monsters in the forest.

Looming

Threatening

Some that grab both shoulders and shake you uncontrollably and some that tear at your arms and legs and some that grab at your ankles while you are passing by, pulling you backwards while all your friends can keep walking.

I can’t take this anymore.

I bought a flashlight

I took it to the forest

The monsters didn’t like it

They hid from the cheerful beams of my flashlight, the light exposing them before they could get us, and then they could only walk behind us, waiting for the time that my flashlight went out.

But

Were there always this many monsters?

But sometimes my hand shakes, and my arm starts to ache, and sometimes my flashlight flickers and one of the quicker, smaller monsters takes a grab at me or one of my friends and I get so tired and I don’t want to walk anymore and I don’t understand why I need to carry the flashlight and walk in the forest everyday when other people don’t have to and sometimes my arm just hurts SO MUCH.

But other times, I’m secretly happy that I’m the one who gets to hold the flashlight.

And sometimes I can’t keep holding the flashlight so my friend takes it and tries to shine it for me, but all I can notice is that the monsters keep coming and now that we have the flashlight the walks in the forests seem to be longer.

So I take the flashlight again, and I tell myself that it’s okay because even if it’s scary the monsters can’t hurt us anymore.

And my friends tell me I don’t need the flashlight everyday if my hand shakes and I’m tired and maybe we’ll find a different way out of the forest, but I think we need the flashlight.

So I’ll hold it.

And I think it’s getting easier.

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Sun Aug 27, 2017 9:38 pm

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Atticus wrote a review...

Hey there! MJ stopping by for a review

But we're surrounded,

Surrounded by what?

friends can keep walking

This is probably just personal preference, but I would take out the 'can'. I'm not sure why, but to me that sounds better and fits in the paragraph better.

And my friends tell me I don’t need the flashlight everyday if my hand shakes and I’m tired and maybe we’ll find a different way out of the forest, but I think we need the flashlight.

I think that you should replace the 'if' with 'when' to make sure the reader knows that this happens pretty consistently, but there is nothing wrong with the way you have it written.

I really oved the last line. For whatever reason, this was a somewhat silly story, but I fell in love with the main character and the idea that (s)he fights the monsters even though it gets hard, and every day, it gets a litte bit easier. I know that it's a message that's often repeated, but I think that the way you said it was very beautiful, so well done on that.

My one piece of advice, however, is that this felt more like a cross between a poem and a short story. The beginning seemed like poetry, or some form of a poem, but then you moved into something that seemed more like short stories. Those sentences didn't fit the previous format for your poem, so I would suggest making this go either one way or another.

But overall, this was a very deep poem that used something that seemed so trivial and lighthearted and used it to reflect on a deeper issue. This was the type of poem that improved my worldview, and I have a feeling that it will stick with me for a long time, so thank you for publishing this. Hopefully my review was helpful, and if you have any questions or concerns, don't hesitate to PM me! Have a nice day, and keep writing!

Best wishes,
MJ

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Reviews: 1485

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Sat Aug 19, 2017 5:21 pm

IcyFlame wrote a review...

Hi Silver,
I'm really intrigued by this poem, so I thought I'd stop by and give it a review.

I love the metaphor you've used throughout the poem, and the underlying tones can be applied to so many things - depression and mental illness being just some of them and the flashlight is the one thing your speaker can hold on to that keeps the monsters at bay. The whole idea is very well thought out and well executed too.

The form of the poem was the only thing I really wanted to mention here. You tend to use 'and' and 'but' a lot, at the beginning of many lines within the poem. You repeat them a lot and I think the poem might benefit from at least taking a few out. You don't really need them in most cases, and they are unnecessary fillers that don't really add anything to your piece.

I'm also not a fan of the capitalisation of 'SO MUCH'. I think you could probably eliminate these words altogether. The point is made well without them.

The layout reflects the complicated amalgamation of feelings your speaker has, but at times it can look too messy and confusing and it's not as pleasant to read. It seems inconsistent in parts and whilst I do like the idea of combining more than one style, that big paragraph in the middle messes with the flow a little too much, in my opinion. I think you need to have a read through and work out if you can split it up a little and try and make the lines flow a little better.

Overall though, a good read.
Hope this has been helpful to you.
Icy.

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Sat Aug 19, 2017 2:39 am

Aley wrote a review...

Mm, this is a sad poem.

There are so many things that this is akin to: depression, anxiety, paranoia, mental differences, even just learning something new.

I think it's really strong because of that. You've got a good grasp of what you want to say, and the way that you're wording it makes it clear that the flashlight is this one thing that keeps bad things at bay. I know sometimes when I was growing up, I felt like I kept my group of friends afloat doing different things like copying notes for them, helping them with homework when they were sick, or even just being an ear to listen, and I can relate to the person holding the flashlight because of that.

So honestly, I love the way that you used the metaphor in the poem to describe a story and made that story tell the emotion of the poem. You did that incredibly well.

I think the part that could use a little work is the lay-out and a few parts of the wording.

Let's look at the layout first. Right now, the layout looks sort of jumbled up. You've got parts of it which are in paragraphs, and others which are in lines. I feel like having that mix sort of undercuts the tone of the poem. You could use this: How to Format Poetry to get the formatting right so you don't have the awkward breaks.

I think the poem could do with some love to the stanzas/lines. Either put the majority in paragraphs, or the majority in lines and stanzas, but right now you've got this mix with no clear pattern.

It seems as though you started doing the paragraphs when you wanted a super long list of different attacks, but at the same time, you already had lists of things and it wasn't in a paragraph form. That inconsistency is what makes it hard to understand the formatting of this poem.

I'd suggest you decide whether you want quickly read things to be in paragraphs, lines, stanzas, or whatnot, and then stick to it.

I think no matter which way you decide to go with it, you'll end up going somewhere good.

My next thing I want to talk about is all of the "ands" and "buts" in this poem. You really don't need that many. It's common convention in poetry to take them out if they're repeating too frequently just like you don't have a list that says "and the cow, and the chicken, and the bird, and the horse" you have "the cow, the chicken, the bird, and the horse" The same thing happens in poetry.

Aside from that, I think you're pretty much good to go.

If you need help with the lines, or the formatting, send me a PM and I'll be glad to help.

-Aley

Young Writers Society

Flashlight Monsters

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