Young Writers Society

Hi there!

I absolutely love the similes and metaphors you've used to emphasise your points made as it paints a brighter picture for the reader and adds to the really well-developed imagery of the poem. The first line is really powerful and it drew me into the rest of the poem, so well done for that. Also, the last lines are well-written as they again pack in a powerful punch at the end, particularly the full stop, as it creates a sense of finality about the poem.

However, the breaks between the words are a little strange, and I'd avoid them as it disrupts the natural flow of the poem. Maybe to adjust this, you could separate the phrases with line breaks instead of spaces between them. Also, the line 'each scar on my body and mind tells a story' is a little cliche, so maybe change the language of this to pin a different meaning onto it? You could change story to history, and replace tells with a more judicious word choice.

Other than that, a really good job. Well done!

Hi Marms!

Wow, this is just lovely. I'm very interested in poets who write within such unusual structures/formats like this. I find it hard, as a baby poet, to wrap my head around the thought process that goes behind choosing a non-traditional structure. Usually I think it ought to just be written traditionally, but man there's something about this particular poem that makes it really work. For me, at least, as I read the structure and the spaces really enforced the meter in a way that was very satisfying and moving. I'd be interested in hearing how you approached that decision! Did you set out wanting to write a poem in a structure like this, or is it just the way the poem came out?

My main "critique" is that I wonder if you should make the fourth stanza reflect the "I am who I am when" pattern you set up in the second and third stanzas? I like that the first, very brief, stanza and then the final, somewhat longer, stanza break that pattern but it seems like if you use something twice you ought to carry that pattern on.

It would be really cool if you could figure out a third state of being to base that fourth stanza around too. For example, you already have "I am who I am when you are not looking" and "I am who I am when I am with someone else" which are both fantastic, and the imagery in the rest of those stanzas builds so well on each of those states of being. They're both centered around this other "you" person, too. I wonder if there's a state of being for this speaker separate from that "you" that is more internal or personal. A reflection on who "I" is when they're fully entrenched in who they are apart from the influences/perceptions of this other person. I think that could lead us really nicely into the final stanza and that sentiment that "I" is good enough all for themselves.

Or, you know, some other state of being for that fourth stanza! It just seems a shame to lose that pattern when it was working so well for the previous two stanzas.

Otherwise, I really loved this! Thanks so much for sharing, marms.

Keep writing!

--Lauren

Hey there AD here to leave review.
First of all when I look at ur poetry it like..well....not arranged.
Were those spaces intentional? If they were I think you should avoid them. They feel like breaks or glitches.
Taking about the poem it self it's beautiful. Words make sense,the rhyme in a different way that's hard to explain.Most people struggle with who they are inside,who they truly are and only few find themselves.
Keep up the good work,would love to read more of ur stuff.