Young Writers Society

Very nice, I love how you made the Uranians seem more human. A lot of the enemies in stories are mindless monsters, I like how you gave them a more human like face! I am back for another review and hope that I help you!
Here's what I found;
First, you painted the general out to be some fierce foe in the second paragraph, conquering the humans cause he can, then gave him a light hearted personality. It's a little confusing. Most light hearted people aren't going to conquer galaxies.
"One morning, the Uranian general Armdelfus Lolorpe decided to conquer the Milky Way." This is not a good way to start this paragraph, it sounds sloppy.
I feel like the characters in this scene are not constant, is this guy, “How long until we reach the human colony?” he asked." this guy, Ha! You young recruits are as stiff as ever.” He patted the smallest pilot on the back, almost knocking the air out of him"? and who is this guy, "The pilot forced a smile as his Captain turned and left the room, but as the soon as the doors closed, he let out a huge sigh.". It is all concussing, use more names, even if they won't be in the story for much.
It is a short chapter, you might want to think about making them longer. If a chapter is too short the story will become choppy and it will be harder to gain the interest of the readers.
One more tip, "They also owned 10 Fast Food restaurants", so did they own, 10 fast food restaurants buildings or 10 fast food restaurant chains? Not very clear, and just 10 fast food restaurant is totally different then 10 fast food restaurant chains.

All in all it was awesome! I am very interested and will continue to read and review as you update! Please update soon!
~Iris Rose

Yo. Here's Jimmy.

Alrighty-oh. Time for another one of my patented and trademarked underwhelming reviews to grace this site. Prepare yourself for my unparalleled mediocracy!

Just a few things in advance. I have the grammar skills of a four-year-old. That speaks Chinese. And is blind. Basically, I suck really bad, so I won't be making any grammar corrections as I would probably just make it worse. I will leave that to my grammar Nazi peers I know wander YWS.

Oh, and my filter is still a work in progress so if I say anything offensive, my bad.

1) Your numbers seemed a little low. I pulled out my good old TI-84 and did a quick google search, and the number of planets I came up with based on the galaxies owned was 756,200 thousand million. So you might want to adjust the figures there. (Wow, reading back over that, I sounded like a pretentious nerd. Anyway, do what you want with that knowledge)

2) Capital P in Zagfrag Publishing.

3) Your sense of scale is a little off. A solar system is really, really small compared to a galaxy. There are on average 100 thousand million stars in a galaxy so Gen. Lolorpe is going to have to spend the better part of a few hundred millennia (Or two episodes of Antiques Roadshow) here if he wants to conquer the Milky Way galaxy.

4) As you can see, the scale is a big issue here. Here is my recommended fix. Your numbers would be way more believable if you contained your story within the Milky Way Galaxy. Change 7562 galaxies to solar systems. You can keep Gen. Lolorpes goal of conquering the Milky Way, and the scale would be way more believable.

5) Are the pilots Uranian? You mention light travel killing humans, but are there any humans on board? (And man, we are weak right? Meat-bags indeed)

6) The Uranian recruit you mention just vanishes (Just like my dad). This is a problem because the way you wrote him, the story was happening from his perspective, even if it was in the third person. I would add a word in there like, "one of the young Uranian soldiers" so the readers instantly feel a disconnect from him.

7) You should cut "excitedly" out at the end there. It just seems out of place and doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

8 ) The soldier was not pestering the pilots (poor sods) if the computer is answering all of his questions, so you might want to change it so that the pilots are the ones responding.

9) It is bizarre for the Gen. to laugh seconds after he called the pilots " lousy dogs" (Ouch). In fact, the word "dogs" seems out of place with his entire demeanor.

10) Instead of "Captain" there at the end, I would suggest the word "Commander." Captain implies rank, even if you don't want it to. Commander doesn't usually have the same effect. (Unless you are a Star Trek nerd like me. Then all you can think of is Riker's glorious beard)

11) The General does not have good intentions right? He wants to conquer a solar system because it annoys him. He wants to control millions because he feels like it. That's not exactly noble. (But it does make him edgy as hell. Does he like metal?)

12) I would change "glided" to "shot." Glided is a gentle word and doesn't seem correct for blasting across 20 million km in two hours. (Cause d**n, that's fast.)

13) The last sentence is a little on the nose. You should show the audience (or at least suggest) that this battle will be influential, rather than going right out and saying it.


And BOOM, I'm done. Th-th-th-that's all folks!

No, for real, let me give you a bit of honesty here. You're young (if your bio is correct) and you're working with a very good idea here. Does it need a little bit of refinement? Sure! Lord knows, every story does. But just because I tore into it like a steak on my birthday doesn't mean that I think it is bad. I don't. I was hard because I see potential here. A lot of it.

Now, go out there and make it yours! Add more of your spirit and passion in there! Think outside the box and write stuff that no one has ever heard of before. I know you can do it.


Cheers from a sad, sad little man (Buzz lightyear would pity me),

Jimmy

Hey there! MJ stopping by for a short review.

They owned a grand a total of 7,562 galaxies, 63,244 planets and over 100,000 space stations.

His large, scale- covered belly wobbled as he walked, and his

He patted the smallest pilot on the back, almost knocking the air out of him.