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Chapter 1.1: Ilami

by Lightsong


Ilami ran from the pursuer, short breaths accompanying her rapid steps. In her hand was a ball of fire she conjured, the only light source leading her through these dark alleys. She could hear the man’s steps behind her, trying to close the distance between them. She kept her running steady, knowing full well if she ran faster, she’d get tired faster too.

She took a corner and saw chairs kept at one side of the building, one placed on the other. In her way passed them, she kicked the chair at the lowest, prompting the ones on it to fall and scatter on the floor. Not glancing back, she hoped that would hinder the man. She needed to hide somewhere to form a plan to beat him. In front of her was a ray of light going through the gap between the buildings. She was about to arrive at the end of the alleys.

She emerged from the valley, attacked by the blinding afternoon sunlight. She leaned back on the wall of the building near the valley, waiting for the man. He would expect her to keep running instead of standing here for him. She took out the dagger from her tunic and held it in a ready position. Her breath slowed down, the stammering in her chest lessening. She hoped she was right.

A few seconds later, the man appeared, running passed her. Before he had the chance to glance around to check for her, she jumped from behind and stabbed his back. The man screamed in pain, stretching his body as if he wanted to get away from his wound. He managed to get away from Ilami and as he turned around, she charged again. This time, however, he was ready. His hand moved in a flash as it grabbed her wrist, sending waves of fear to her. His other hand went to his sheath, meant to get the sword out of it.

Ilami quickly kicked it, sending the hand away. She twisted her wrist, loosening his grip on it and spun around, elbowing the man’s stomach. He released his hold. She adjusted her grab on the dagger and took a forward stab on him. He managed to dodge it, taking a few steps away from her. He unsheathed his sword now that he was at a safe position and sneered at him. With his sword, he had the advantage. Ilami had been meaning to take him out before he could use it, but it seemed she underestimated the man when he didn’t wield a weapon.

Taking a deep breath, she knew it was time to put her practice to the test. Holding her dagger with both hands, she uttered, ‘Ignis waracia.’ Flame wrapped around the weapon, but she had to say more. ‘Ignis legacia harizanis.’ The flame melted the dagger into non-existent and lengthened itself, forming a fire sword. Ilami looked at it with wide-eyed satisfaction. Her first fire sword. She succeeded.

The sneer on the man’s face vanished, replaced by snarl. Without a proper sword raising, he charged, his weapon ready at his side. Ilami charged too, but not with as much confidence as the man and with more hesitance and anxiety. Their swords clashed with each other and Ilami’s was the one to get swayed, unable to block the force behind the man’s sword. As it left her opened for attack, the man thrust his sword to her stomach. Before it reached there, she kicked his groin, forcing him to groan and retreat his attack.

Not wanting to leave this opportunity wasted, Ilami crouched, then charged. She screamed, putting her all into the fire sword, held in front of her horizontally. The man looked up from soothing his groin and manged to block her sword with his in time. Taking a risk, she used her free hand to grab the man’s wrist, circling it tightly, so tight that he winced and loosened his grab on his sword. It fell on the floor, letting her fire sword to move again unhindered straight to the man’s shoulder. It sank on his skin passed his cloth, letting a raw scream to escape from the man’s mouth.

Ilami winced hearing that and retreated her sword. He fell to the ground as the she kicked his feet. His eyes were close, enduring the pain from his back that was against the ground. His shoulder on the other hand gained a long gash of wound. Ilami bit her lip. She meant to beat the man, not to kill him. He had nothing to give her a reason to do so. She pointed her fire sword to his neck. ‘Surrender and the test will be over.’

He looked at her and laughed. It sounded bitter and empty. ‘Didn’t she tell you? The only way for the test to end is for one of us to die.’

She kept silence. No way. ‘She told me I only have to beat you.’

His hand reached to the wound on his shoulder. He let out a groan as he touched it. ‘What do you think she meant by that? She only thinks of one way for one to beat another.’

‘No,’ she said. The word came out low and reluctant. ‘It couldn’t be.’

He sighed. ‘End my life,’ he said. He fixed his attention to her sword. ‘That’s the only way for you to pass this test.’

Ilami shook her head slightly. She knew she had to take the test since she realized what it meant to be the principal’s daughter. She had to be the best. But she didn’t want to kill others to achieve that. Her mother couldn’t want this from her. She shouldn’t. What was on her mind when she formed this test for her? No. The man lied. It might be a part for the test. ‘You’re lying. The test is over.’

‘I did not. This is the truth. If you don’t believe it, it means you don’t know your mother well. Venaria is the most merciless woman I have ever met.’ He paused. His eyes glimmered with plead. ‘Please. She has my family. Me dying would save them from torment.’

She gasped. Mother would go that far? His life was on the line and he wanted her to end it. No lie could a man utter about that. ‘I-if that is true,’ she said, nervousness welling in her throat, ‘then you can end it yourself.’

‘No!’ the man screamed, trying to get up, but the wound on his shoulder forced him to stay lying on the floor. Tears started to flow down his cheek. ‘She has watchers for the test. Those that can’t be detected. If they tell her I died not because you killed me, the test would fail too. You have to end it yourself. I know you don’t want to do it, but that’s the best for both of us.’

Silence ensued, and, unable to bear it, Ilami shook her head again. ‘I refuse! I refuse to kill you, to submit to this stupid test.’ Her body shook. The thought of killing someone was disturbing.

The man continued to watch her, prompting her to look away. ‘I understand if you think this is unfair, unnecessary.’ He paused. ‘But if you want to fight against it, this is not the way. You are too young. You have potential. I can see one day you would be a force to be reckoned with. But not now. Kill me.’

Looking at the man again, she started to cry. She wanted to blame everyone. The man, her mother, the world. Why was she born to do this? she didn’t want this! But as she looked at the man’s pained expression, she knew she had no choice. The choices were laid bare by her mother, and she knew at the end, Ilami feared receiving death more than she feared delivering it. Slowly, she held up her fire sword with her trembling hands. She raised it high before forcing it down to the man’s chest. The man startled, blood pouring out of his mouth and his chest, soaking his tunic, before he went motionless. His pained expression, wide eyes and open mouth, stayed still.

She fell to her knees and touched the man’s face. Gently, she closed his eyes and mouth. Facing to the sky, she let out a soul-piercing scream.


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HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! So I spotted chapter 26 of this story stuck in the green room and thought that maybe I should take a look at it from the start. If it manages to catch my attention well enough, I may just read through this whole thing in the days to come :D

First Impression: I really like where this appears to be going. This contains all the sorts of elements that I love to read...and there's a really good hook there right from pretty much the halfway point of this piece. I also loved the way you handled this fight scene here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Ilami ran from the pursuer, short breaths accompanying her rapid steps. In her hand was a ball of fire she conjured, the only light source leading her through these dark alleys. She could hear the man’s steps behind her, trying to close the distance between them. She kept her running steady, knowing full well if she ran faster, she’d get tired faster too.

She took a corner and saw chairs kept at one side of the building, one placed on the other. In her way passed them, she kicked the chair at the lowest, prompting the ones on it to fall and scatter on the floor. Not glancing back, she hoped that would hinder the man. She needed to hide somewhere to form a plan to beat him. In front of her was a ray of light going through the gap between the buildings. She was about to arrive at the end of the alleys.


Oooh, well I'm already loving the start here. It seems like we've got multiple hints of magic going on and I do absolutely love to see some magic, especially at the very start of a story. We've also got a nice little chase sequence taking place here...and I love those too, so this is pretty much the perfect sort of start to hook me into a reading a story, so let's see where this takes us.

She emerged from the valley, attacked by the blinding afternoon sunlight. She leaned back on the wall of the building near the valley, waiting for the man. He would expect her to keep running instead of standing here for him. She took out the dagger from her tunic and held it in a ready position. Her breath slowed down, the stammering in her chest lessening. She hoped she was right.

A few seconds later, the man appeared, running passed her. Before he had the chance to glance around to check for her, she jumped from behind and stabbed his back. The man screamed in pain, stretching his body as if he wanted to get away from his wound. He managed to get away from Ilami and as he turned around, she charged again. This time, however, he was ready. His hand moved in a flash as it grabbed her wrist, sending waves of fear to her. His other hand went to his sheath, meant to get the sword out of it.


Oooh, daggers and swords, also another favorite, and a fight scene. This is starting to become really interesting really fast and I'm loving it. I like how you almost show her thought process as this fight begins. It's bordering on being a little too much telling, but I think its a nice extra dimension to the fight showing that these people know what they're doing here and having some experience.

Ilami quickly kicked it, sending the hand away. She twisted her wrist, loosening his grip on it and spun around, elbowing the man’s stomach. He released his hold. She adjusted her grab on the dagger and took a forward stab on him. He managed to dodge it, taking a few steps away from her. He unsheathed his sword now that he was at a safe position and sneered at him. With his sword, he had the advantage. Ilami had been meaning to take him out before he could use it, but it seemed she underestimated the man when he didn’t wield a weapon.


Loving the beats of this fight so far, you've got a nice little back and forth going on and then with the man suddenly possessing an advantage that Ilami here does not see coming, we've got a good little flow. You can also start to see sort of the skill levels of the people involved here and it all comes together to make a pretty neat scene.

Taking a deep breath, she knew it was time to put her practice to the test. Holding her dagger with both hands, she uttered, ‘Ignis waracia.’ Flame wrapped around the weapon, but she had to say more. ‘Ignis legacia harizanis.’ The flame melted the dagger into non-existent and lengthened itself, forming a fire sword. Ilami looked at it with wide-eyed satisfaction. Her first fire sword. She succeeded.


Oh yes...this is..going along on an awesome path right now...magic and combat mixing like this is one of my favorite ways to see fights go down...and while I think its going to make for an interesting change to have this be Ilami's first time using this particular spell, this promises to be rather exciting and I'm here for it.

T
he sneer on the man’s face vanished, replaced by snarl. Without a proper sword raising, he charged, his weapon ready at his side. Ilami charged too, but not with as much confidence as the man and with more hesitance and anxiety. Their swords clashed with each other and Ilami’s was the one to get swayed, unable to block the force behind the man’s sword. As it left her opened for attack, the man thrust his sword to her stomach. Before it reached there, she kicked his groin, forcing him to groan and retreat his attack.

Not wanting to leave this opportunity wasted, Ilami crouched, then charged. She screamed, putting her all into the fire sword, held in front of her horizontally. The man looked up from soothing his groin and manged to block her sword with his in time. Taking a risk, she used her free hand to grab the man’s wrist, circling it tightly, so tight that he winced and loosened his grab on his sword. It fell on the floor, letting her fire sword to move again unhindered straight to the man’s shoulder. It sank on his skin passed his cloth, letting a raw scream to escape from the man’s mouth.


Okay...this is going along well here. I feel a couple of those explanation in the point I've left in bold got a bit too long and interrupted the fight's flow somewhat. I feel like you can understand the parts mentioned in those phrases through the actions going on and this only serves to slow the pacing down a touch too much. I do like how we've got some physical injuries, makes the fight seem that much more real in that sense. This is altogether coming across as a really well done fight scene.

Ilami winced hearing that and retreated her sword. He fell to the ground as the she kicked his feet. His eyes were close, enduring the pain from his back that was against the ground. His shoulder on the other hand gained a long gash of wound. Ilami bit her lip. She meant to beat the man, not to kill him. He had nothing to give her a reason to do so. She pointed her fire sword to his neck. ‘Surrender and the test will be over.’

He looked at her and laughed. It sounded bitter and empty. ‘Didn’t she tell you? The only way for the test to end is for one of us to die.’

She kept silence. No way. ‘She told me I only have to beat you.’


Oooh, so the man actually collapsed from that wound, I wasn't expecting it to be quite as bad of a blow as that, but well, I suppose the fight is at an end. Aaand we got some very intriguing dialogue. It looks like this whole thing is part of some test to prove their worth or something along those lines...and Ilami is just having it revealed to her that this is a death match of sorts and she's clearly not on board with that particular turn of events.

His hand reached to the wound on his shoulder. He let out a groan as he touched it. ‘What do you think she meant by that? She only thinks of one way for one to beat another.’

‘No,’ she said. The word came out low and reluctant. ‘It couldn’t be.’

He sighed. ‘End my life,’ he said. He fixed his attention to her sword. ‘That’s the only way for you to pass this test.’


The fact that he almost begs for her to end his life suggest that whatever this test is, he's either really loyal to the ones who run it or...he's just a bit too ashamed at losing to someone who seems fairly new to the art if the whole fire sword explanation was any indicator. Either way, it makes for a really interesting detail.

Ilami shook her head slightly. She knew she had to take the test since she realized what it meant to be the principal’s daughter. She had to be the best. But she didn’t want to kill others to achieve that. Her mother couldn’t want this from her. She shouldn’t. What was on her mind when she formed this test for her? No. The man lied. It might be a part for the test. ‘You’re lying. The test is over.’

‘I did not. This is the truth. If you don’t believe it, it means you don’t know your mother well. Venaria is the most merciless woman I have ever met.’ He paused. His eyes glimmered with plead. ‘Please. She has my family. Me dying would save them from torment.’


Hmm, some facts getting dropped in the background Ilami, and I'm loving it. I always love to see stories where we jump into the action and have the backstory be revealed more gradually. Its a lot more interesting than having just a ton of history lessons essentially be the first chapter.

Also...wayyy more valid reason than what I theorized earlier there...now that seems to suggest that we've someone very ruthless running some kind of dangerous organization or something along those lines. Principal is a very interesting choice of title there.

She gasped. Mother would go that far? His life was on the line and he wanted her to end it. No lie could a man utter about that. ‘I-if that is true,’ she said, nervousness welling in her throat, ‘then you can end it yourself.’

‘No!’ the man screamed, trying to get up, but the wound on his shoulder forced him to stay lying on the floor. Tears started to flow down his cheek. ‘She has watchers for the test. Those that can’t be detected. If they tell her I died not because you killed me, the test would fail too. You have to end it yourself. I know you don’t want to do it, but that’s the best for both of us.’


Well, it looks like she's not exactly the biggest fan of her mother, but she didn't expect her mother to force her to have to kill anyone. All of these are making for some really interesting details here and I'm loving this. Her not willing to be a killer though seems to be the sort of thing that can and will set a plot in motion...so well let's see where this goes.

Silence ensued, and, unable to bear it, Ilami shook her head again. ‘I refuse! I refuse to kill you, to submit to this stupid test.’ Her body shook. The thought of killing someone was disturbing.

The man continued to watch her, prompting her to look away. ‘I understand if you think this is unfair, unnecessary.’ He paused. ‘But if you want to fight against it, this is not the way. You are too young. You have potential. I can see one day you would be a force to be reckoned with. But not now. Kill me.’


Huh...that seems to suggest some kind of potential rebellion in the future of sorts...where this man is advising her that she must do as her mother says in this moment and bide her time until she can actually make a change. I do get one nitpick though, if there are folks spying on this confrontation, would that be a safe thing to say?

Looking at the man again, she started to cry. She wanted to blame everyone. The man, her mother, the world. Why was she born to do this? she didn’t want this! But as she looked at the man’s pained expression, she knew she had no choice. The choices were laid bare by her mother, and she knew at the end, Ilami feared receiving death more than she feared delivering it. Slowly, she held up her fire sword with her trembling hands. She raised it high before forcing it down to the man’s chest. The man startled, blood pouring out of his mouth and his chest, soaking his tunic, before he went motionless. His pained expression, wide eyes and open mouth, stayed still.

She fell to her knees and touched the man’s face. Gently, she closed his eyes and mouth. Facing to the sky, she let out a soul-piercing scream.


Well...she could've picked a slightly less painful death..it is a fire sword, so I think a swift decapitation would've been much more merciful than the considerably slower death by stabbing to the chest, especially cause hitting the heart is a notoriously difficult thing to do and hitting anywhere else equals...yeah just a loot of pain and terribly slow death. Do not ask me how I know this

At any rate, a powerful ending, I can see this isn't the end of the chapter itself, but uhh, this does make for a great cliffhanger and I definitely find myself wanting to know more here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I'd say this makes for a really good start here. There are soo many questions to ask, so much being shown in this pretty short little scene and I can safely say I'm interested enough that I will at least be looking into the next part of this first chapter. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




Lightsong says...


Aww, thanks for the review! :D



HarryHardy says...


You're Welcome!! :D



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Sun Apr 29, 2018 12:12 am
lelu says...



Hey, this is Lelu, planning to review this whole book. This seems really cool, something I could get into. Dramatic, but not overly so. It has lots of potential. I might actually want to design an outfit for Ilami, so could you tell me what she looks like/wears/wields? Now for the technical review. Your grammar and punctuation are mostly good; however, when you mean "past," you always say, "passed." This is a common error, not really your fault. Secondly, "she adjusted her grab on the dagger" should be "grip." Thirdly, "Ilami winced hearing that and retreated her sword" is an example of the way your excellent story is sometimes obscured by omitted commas, slightly off word choice, and awkward phrasing. Though this is understandable and interesting. "End my life," he said. You could leave out the "he said" because it's obviously him speaking and you say "him" enough times anyway. "His eyes glimmered with plead." Should be pleading. Lastly, I really like this, and I think I'll read the whole thing.




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lelu wrote a review...



Hey, this is Lelu, planning to review this whole book. This seems really cool, something I could get into. Dramatic, but not overly so. It has lots of potential. I might actually want to design an outfit for Ilami, so could you tell me what she looks like/wears/wields? Now for the technical review. Your grammar and punctuation are mostly good; however, when you mean "past," you always say, "passed." This is a common error, not really your fault. Secondly, "she adjusted her grab on the dagger" should be "grip." Thirdly, "Ilami winced hearing that and retreated her sword" is an example of the way your excellent story is sometimes obscured by omitted commas, slightly off word choice, and awkward phrasing. Though this is understandable and interesting. "End my life," he said. You could leave out the "he said" because it's obviously him speaking and you say "him" enough times anyway. "His eyes glimmered with plead." Should be pleading. Lastly, I really like this, and I think I'll read the whole thing.




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Sun Nov 26, 2017 5:01 pm
shusher wrote a review...



The only issue I really have is the lack of setting. Where are they? You don't need to say who the man is, but giving some detail of his appearance before his death would be nice. It's a pretty good action read outside of these things. I wrote this paragraph after the rest of the notes in this review. Thus, what you will be reading is a slightly elongated version of this paragraph, with several extra nit picky things of phrases you can cut out of the story. Enjoy.


To enhance the beginning, I suggest changing “her pursuer” to a descriptive rout. Ex: The red cloacked figure (when referring to little red riding hood.) It’s a humorous ex. But you catch my drift lol.

“Knowing full well if she ran faster…” I’d lose that. We know why people keep a steady pace. Wouldn’t it make more sense to be sprinting though, because then she’d probably get ahead of him, and find a rout to lose him?

I liked “attacked from the sunlight.” It’s a clever play on words.

Why is she trying to beat him (whoever it is)? I thought she was being pursued.

Maybe change “she hoped she was right” into her saying it out loud. Because of course she’s hoping she’s right, but her saying it gives the illusion of you trusting your audience in this manner.

You keep saying “the man” and never describe him. This is unfortunate. I’d like to imagine the story.

“This time, however, he was ready.” Lose ‘however’ or ‘this time’ otherwise it’s needlessly redundant.

“Meant to get the sword out of it” This phrase isn’t needed.

“He unsheathed his sword now that he was at a safe position and sneered at him.” The man sneered at himself?

“It was time to put her practice to the test.” Her life is on the line here. Maybe, “the scenario was just like practice.”?

“She succeeded.” Redundant sentence.

“The sneer on the man’s face vanished replaced by a snarl.” Make this sentence shorter. “A snarl replaced the man’s sneer.”


“Not as much confidence as the man…” you say this already with the following phrase, “with more hesitance…”

“As it left her opened for attack…” gramatical error. “As it left her open for attack,” Also, this phrase isn’t that necessary, though it adds a small amount of tension.

Why did she crouch?
What is the significance of her sword being made of fire?

Does Ilami have super strength?

“He fell to the ground as the she kicked his feet.” Confusing.

“His eyes were *closed*”

“He sighed. ‘End my life,’ he said.” You don’t need “he said.”




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Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there Lightsong. I wanted to get on this project sooner rather than later in the evening, because my reviews at 11pm and on, have proved not to be my best skills. So I guess I should just get right to it.

Ilami ran from the pursuer, short breaths accompanying her rapid steps.

To me, a picture tells a thousand words and so does the first line of a novel. (Hopefully not literally but who knows, it could happen.) The story opens up with telling you the main character's name and giving the reader a very intense action to hold onto. There's up and down sides of this method, where people either fall into the story or fall off because they got lost before it ever began. In this case, the narrative of a fear stricken character running from an unknown haunt, reels me in.

In her hand was a ball of fire she conjured, the only light source leading her through these dark alleys.

Oooh. Magic. Magic of some sort, whether it be harry potter or atla style, you've definitely got my interest now. It was sort of surprising for there to be this character running and suddenly she's holding a ball of fire. I don't really have anything to complain about here because the shock of good quality has temporarily muted my critiquing brain.

She could hear the man’s steps behind her, trying to close the distance between them. She kept her running steady, knowing full well if she ran faster, she’d get tired faster too.

This sort of establishes that the character is logical in her ways, a good characteristic that I think makes the readers like her more. At least it made me think more favorably of her, thinking things through even when it sounds like someone is about to kill her. Maybe I'll grow to dislike her/other qualities about her but for now the reader is probably approving. Always good to have approving.

I went heavily over the first paragraph because you already have three reviews, this has been picked apart repeatedly and I don't like to tell people what they've already heard three times. The next couple bits of critique probably won't be as specific but hopefully you'll still be wanting my reviews after I finish this one out.

The story continues to rise very quickly, fast paced but still manages to explain part of what is going on. There's mystery and intrigue about the stranger chasing her. The main character has the moments where she accomplishes things she didn't think were possible, gaining more favoritism and approval from the readers. It flows by rather quickly and when I reached the end of this part, it went by maybe a bit too fast?

The end. Surprising? Yes, it was that. The very last line? Kinda cliche. If I had seen her do the superhero landing off a building, it would have been a twisted medley of tropes. The pacing still feels off to me, where the dialogue makes time pick up but the death makes it drag on. In the same way that the fight scene made time slow down unnaturally, almost like you intended for the slow motion sequence. It felt okay but tips off the balance of the chapter part for the rest of the way through.

I have some things to say about the mother but I think I'll save them for the next part in this review adventure.
Have a nice day.
~Liz




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Samk642 wrote a review...



Samk642 here!!

First thing that got my attention was the wonderful grab of no narrative, just BOOM story is happening. The heroine seems well thought out, but the lack of knowing her mother seems a bit odd. If she has been taught magic, assuming by her mother, then surely she would be more accustomed, if not enjoying, death. I like the magic in here, and the firesword. I like magic mechanics in stories, so I hope that is developed. In the next chapter, perhaps explain why the test? All in all though, an excellent, well put together chapter, to what seems like a delicious read.

Cheers!!!




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Kaylaa wrote a review...



Hi there Lightsong! This is Kays here dropping in for a review as promised.

Ahh, little Ilami and little Gael! I am excited for that. What I wonder is how little? Children? Early teenagers? Teenagers? The oldest I'm imagining is 13 or 14 because Ilami is able to cast up a fireball though she doesn't seem to be a master at magic seeing as she's having trouble escaping from her pursuer. Ilami also seems to be aware that she's being tested? Her mother told her briefly but not in full that in order to complete the test, she had to kill the man.

What I'm wondering is--who is this man? Is she able to fail this test or would the pursuer have kept pursuing her until she killed him? Is he hired for this job? Do people do this job or lose their lives with this test constantly so that children can be approved? I'm attempting to understand the logic of this first chapter and while this is interesting there are a lot of holes that need to be filled and I'm hoping that they're filled in the next chapter. I can also see that this is only Ilami--where is Gael? I already forgot a bit from God's Assassin (I'm terrible with remembering details as I mentioned before) but I can remember that Ilami and Gael are friends and not siblings. There's the possibility that I'm wrong as well but I'd assume to see Gael in this chapter if the two were siblings.

That being said--where is Gael at? I also forget the gap between their age and if one of them is significantly older or if I even learned that at all, but I digress. The point is, I want explanations because details go into one ear and out the other. :p Back onto the overall, the chapter does well at pulling the reader in and being a hook though if I didn't know future Ilami I don't know if I'd be as interested about this test. I also wanted to mention the part with Ilami conjuring her first fire sword.

First of all, cool weapon! Second of all, her first fire sword? I hope she's actually been practicing and studying or at least came close before because my belief is a little suspended with her getting this on her first attempt. Maybe cite a different period of time earlier on where she attempted to and failed and then suffered consequences? Just a suggestion. Overall this first chapter is pretty compelling to read even though improvements are possible to make this more flowing and better executed but the concept and ideas running through the chapter should be able to guide you into the right direction.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day. Have any more review quests? Give me a ping in my Will Review For Food!

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Lightsong says...


I haven't thought about the details of the pursuer, but suffice to say his family's held hostage by Venaria and if he wants them to be free, he has to participate the test, becoming the target Ilami has to kill. Since Venaria is merciless, she thinks the test would be able to determine whether her daughter is worthy to continue living.

Ilami actually has been practising to make the fire sword, and this is told when it says she wants to test her practise. She has been trained hand-to-hand combat as well as excessive exercises and her training with her dagger is still not so much. She hasn't touched on spells yet other than the ones that are more for convenience rather than fighting.

Ilami and Gael haven't met yet. They'd meet in the Quasar Magica School which she would attend soon. The school is basically a secondary school, she has been taught at home, and he would be the youngest to attend at the age of nine. :) Thanks for the review! :D



Kaylaa says...


O: Thanks for the info! That helps understand a lot more of what's going on, hehe.



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Mon Aug 14, 2017 4:31 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey there Lightsong! MJ stopping by for a short review.

She kept her running steady,
I think that 'pace' would work better here, since running is a gerund and could be confused as a verb. Besides, you mentioned something about 'running' earlier in the chapter, so I would change it up a little.

In her way passed them
Should be 'past'.

Without a proper sword raising, he charged,
I'm not quite sure what you mean here, and no matter how many times I reread it, it still doesn't make sense. Do you mean without a proper sword raised?

His shoulder, on the other hand, gained a long gash of wound.
I didn't really like how you phrased it as 'gained a long gash of wound', for a couple reasons. Firstly, I would have preferred a different verb than 'gained', either describing what had given her the wound or just stated that there was a wound there. Secondly, 'gash of wound' is redundant, so I would either say 'gash' or just 'wound'.

Ilami winced hearing that and retreated her sword.
You used 'retreated' quite often in this piece, and I would recommend using a different verb when possible. For example, here 'withdrew' works a little bit better and cuts down on the redundancy.

The most significant piece of critique I have here is regarding your writing style. You had a lack of variation here that sometimes tripped you up at places, and there were some technical errors (missing commas, run-ons, incorrect usage of different punctuation) that detracted from the overall punch of the story. I really enjoyed this idea and the action going on, but your fight scenes could have been more powerful if you varied the sentence structure and word usage.

Regarding the plot, the other main thing I wanted to emphasize was Ilami's reluctance to kill. I understand that she might be hesitant to end another's life, but I would think that all her years of training would give her some amount of callous. It's a good plot point to have her be reluctant to kill, but her absolute refusal to was a little overdone.

Other than that, I really enjoyed the creativeness of this fantasy idea. I never grow tired of stories with a rising heroine who struggles emotionally and physically as she navigates a complicated task. I would be careful to avoid a lot of cliches, but other than that, I think that you have a good draft here. It's not as bare as the first draft, and gives me the impression that this was edited once or twice and just needs a few touch-ups here to give it that final, polished look.

If you have any questions, feel free to let me know!

MJ out

*poof*





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