Young Writers Society

Honestly, I'm not usually into romantic things, so when I say this is good you better believe I thought this was good. It was sweet and to the point. I feel like this girl is very lucky. I like the desription of her and I would actually like to see more added onto this. Maybe, not here, but in a later project would be awesome. I REALLY thought that this was sweet and my only problem is that it isn't longer!!!! Good luck with more writing and I would love to see more of your work!

Hi there DissidentAggressor and welcome to YWS! If you ever have any questions, don't be afraid to ask me or any other names in green or red. Without further ado, let's jump right into the review!

I can see that this poem plays around with minimalism which I find interesting. Only six lines long, this piece is pretty short in length and doesn't have a lot of substance to go over, so I'll be going over what is here. I get out of this that the speaker wants to be around this other person and that the other person is fire and at the end there's the play on words with 'play on fire' relating to 'playing with fire'.

That being said, the metaphor of this other person being fire, presumably a love interest of the speaker, is misspent. The metaphor is a lot more underused than I expected at the beginning of the poem. Instead of listing off her positive and negative traits, show us them. Don't just list off adjectives. Lines three through five are the culprits of this and easily the weakest of the poem. That isn't to say I'm not a fan of how the fire metaphor is used too, because I'm not a fan.

The reason being is because there are two different parts that I see here. The first part is lines one and two and the sixth line while the second part that should've and could've been incorporated into the first part are lines three through five. Show us more of how she's fire, don't just tell us. In short, the rule "Show, don't tell" can apply to poetry as well in certain instances and this is one of them. Go into more depth. How is her loving quality similar to fire? What aspect of fire is she beautiful like? The flames that are given off? The ash that dances in the air? The memories that are made around that fire? You get the point.

The final element of this poem that I wanted to comment on is the flow, or to be more specific, punctuation. Not every line has to end in a period or has to have punctuation or has to be an end-stop. There's this little device called enjambment which is where the line in a poem continues after a line break. I suggest adding some because as of now, the flow is choppy. Play around with the structure and the flow. Read this piece around to get a better feel of where there should be punctuation, if there should be punctuation, and if so, what kind.

Overall, I wanted to see more done with the metaphor (there's an opening for strong imagery if you do base the poem more around the first line) and the flow is choppy as of now, but don't give up hope! I see potential in this but you haven't quite found the key to making this stronger and better executed.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Hello, DissidentAggressor
I'm also new to this site, so this will be a learning experience for both of us!

I recognise that this is a personal poem and so I cannot really connect with it in the same way you, and its subject, can, but I shall try my best to give you some constructive criticism that will allow you to progress and develop as a writer.

I enjoy the wordplay surrounding "fire", with the danger this implies juxtaposing with the joy and love that "She" also supplies. This playfulness gives the poem a breath of life that sits at the core of your words. However, the poem lacks structure. The use of a block sestet seems harsh, especially as none of the lines interlink or flow (all end with a full-stop, or period). Perhaps if you were to increase the natural flow of the poem by using enjambment, this would lend you a lyrical tone that would better suit the topic of your poem.

My advice would be to investigate various forms (eg Verse-paragraphs, as used by Coleridge and Wordsworth; Sonnet, Shakespearean or Petrarchan; or even just rhyming couplets) as this would allow you to improve your poetic ability, whilst also providing a helpful structure to write upon.

Regardless, well done on starting your writing journey! I'll be sure to follow you and see what else you write in the future.