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Creatures Of The Night -Prologue-Rebirth

by AllisonArgent


                                                                Prologue

                                                                       Rebirth

         The weather was moody as always. Sheriff Langdon slowly drove his police car through the narrow road in the woods. A small clearing with a crowd of anxious people and press popped up in his view. He wished he didn't have to deal with the press now. He cursed himself and stepped out of the car.

       " Sheriff do you think that it is the carelessness from you department that has led to another murder?" A blond woman from press lifted her microphone up to Langdon ans stood there waiting for an answer.

             "No comment" Langdon pushed passed the woman and the crowd to Deputy Miller standing near the body. Nearby him he could hear whispers of critics. He felt weak,it was the third murder in the row, he had failed his own people.

            "Sir" Deputy Miller turned to face Langdon. Langdon waved his hand asking Miller to tell him the details."It's the same sir, no head just the body.The victim is Robert Loius, the bar owner age 42. The is no connection with him and our last two victims but we are still looking sir."

        Langdon exhaled, even though it pained him to tell it, he had to."Miller this has gone out of our hands..call the FBI, there's nothing more we can do."

    "But sir.."

"No buts, just do it"

                                                                 ***

         John knew he wanted this,he wanted his family safe away from all this but Alex would be hard,he knew,she would never agree.He made his way to his chair. 

            "So partner,Wolf Creek it is then huh?" Sean tuned on his chair to fave John.He face pulled into a wide grin.

         "Easy for you to say,I don't know what to tell Alex.All her friends are here."

"She's seventeen, she'll make new friends and by the way if that Romero comes back it'll be much safer to stay away."  Sometimes John wondered how his partner could give family tips with he himself not having one.All John did was nod his head. He knew it's been hard on his daughter with his job and now moving was going to break her but he had no choice.

         

              


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Wed Aug 23, 2017 7:04 pm
rosette wrote a review...



Hey-a Allison, I hope you're doing fantastic. I'll just be writing out a (hopefully) quick review for you today.


I Can Be Nit-Picky Sometimes

A blond woman from press lifted her microphone up to Langdon ans stood there waiting for an answer.

Maybe you can see the minor mistakes here: "A blond woman from the press lifted her microphone up to Langdon and stood waiting for an answer." The "there" was bothering me a little. Stood where? There. Um. Where's there? I think it'd be best to chop it out.

"No comment" Langdon pushed passed the woman and the crowd to Deputy Miller standing near the body.

"passed" should be "past"
I'm also wondering... exactly where is the body? I know it's in a clearing in the woods, so is it literally just laying there? And (okay this might be gross) but what does it look like? Does it have like, a knife sticking out of it's chest? Oh man, ew, I'm grossing myself out. Or is it covered by a tarp or something? You didn't say.

He felt weak,it was the third murder in the row, he had failed his own people.

This run-on sentence can be split up into little sentences. "He felt weak. It was the third murder in a row. He had failed his own people." I'd like some more emphasis on that middle sentence, and it would also make it look less choppy. Third murder in a row since when? That week? That month? That year?

"Sir" Deputy Miller turned to face Langdon. Langdon waved his hand asking Miller to tell him the details."It's the same sir, no head just the body.The victim is Robert Loius, the bar owner age 42. The is no connection with him and our last two victims but we are still looking sir."

Well, looking at this, the body must have been covered if Langdon can't see for himself this guy's head is missing. "Sir" is used as an address here, and should have a comma before it whenever someone is addressing someone as that. I also think "no head, just the body" could stand as it's own sentence.
Put a comma after "owner"; and "victims" and "looking". I think you meant "There" instead of "The" in that last sentence, as well.

Langdon exhaled, even though it pained him to tell it, he had to."Miller this has gone out of our hands..call the FBI, there's nothing more we can do."

Hm. You got a run-on sentence there. "Langdon exhaled" stands alone. And I think that "tell" sounds awkward. Try "say".
Also: WHOOOH! The FBI's coming in?!

"No buts, just do it"

You need a period at the end, and should probably change that comma to a period, as well.

John knew he wanted this,he wanted his family safe away from all this but Alex would be hard,he knew,she would never agree.

Aaaand here we have a very long run-on sentence.
I'll give you an example of what you could do:
"John knew he wanted this. He wanted his family safe, and away from all of this. But Alex would be hard. She would never agree."
The repetition of "this" is eating at me. Maybe in that second sentence, instead of ending with "this", you could say what he wants away from. The murders?

"So partner,Wolf Creek it is then huh?" Sean tuned on his chair to fave John.He face pulled into a wide grin.

Ick. We got a couple typos. I think you meant "face" for "fave" and "His" for "He". There should be a comma before the "huh".

"She's seventeen, she'll make new friends and by the way if that Romero comes back it'll be much safer to stay away."  Sometimes John wondered how his partner could give family tips with he himself not having one.

My goodness, you really love your run-ons! That first sentence should look more like "She's seventeen, she'll make new friends. And, by the way, if that Romero comes back, it'll be much safer to stay away."
"with he himself not having one" could be reworded to read much easier. Like, "without having one himself".

He knew it's been hard on his daughter with his job and now moving was going to break her but he had no choice.

This could also be rewritten. (and is also a run-on, hehe)
"He knew his job had been hard on his daughter, and now moving would most likely break her. But he had no choice."
Gee, that ending is dramatic.

---
I am very curious to see how this story will play out. I love me some mysteries, and this sounds like it could be quite suspenseful. I like how you started this prologue out with yet another murder and the Sheriff feeling as if he let his people down. That was great. But then the POV's changed and here's this guy named John, who I'm assuming is part of the police force. Where is he? Who is he?

Obviously, you can't tell us the whole story in a prologue but I have no idea who these guys are. It was a little random.

Anyway. Those are my thoughts. I hope you found 'em helpful in some way.
If you got any questions, let me know, and I'll be checking around for the next chapter.
Have a great day!
-rosette




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Sat Aug 12, 2017 9:00 pm
LadyLizzLovelace wrote a review...



Hey there AllisonArgent. It's just Lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

I'm guessing that you copied this story over from another document and that's why your formatting got all wacky. The publishing center has never been very kind to text that gets brought over from another source. Just something for you to watch out for as you continue to post things because it makes it tough to get through a piece.
There's no spaces after a lot of periods and commas. I don't know if this is connected to the next issue or not, but this is something you need to be careful about and correct. Normally I wouldn't nick pick over a little issue like this but it's recurring often enough to become bothersome. I got caught up more in this factor of the chapter than the storyline itself.

In terms of the actual story, I found the opening line to be rather interesting and it sets a certain vibe to the little bit going on. At the beginning, I see just a little touch of description of the setting but then it leads into more about the body. Even for a prologue this is rather short and I think by supplementing more minor parts, it could be more enjoyable for the reader. The premise is rather intriguing, a plot filled with a serial killer striking again and all the towns people up in arms about it. As far as looking towards a next chapter, I want to see what happens.

The repetition of the two dot ellipsis are also bothersome to my mind and break the rule of what ellipsis are supposed to be. In the way that I know them, they should be used for dramatic effect of leading the sentence on, rather than being used rapidly. When they're slurred together in the mix of a paragraph and show up three times; I would say that is excessive use. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing and you've trapped yourself in such a situation.
I think the best option here would be just ditching them out the window.

I admit that I want to know more and this is really all that I can think to comment on for now.
See you around.
~Lizz






Tnx there lizz I'll work on more in the next chap.




When something is broken, it can be fixed.
— Benjamin Alire Saenz, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe