Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Short Story » Action / Adventure

12+ Violence

Broken Oathbrothers

by MJTucker


He stood in the doorway, head bowed, a sword in each hand. Heavy white armor coated his body, and beads of sweat rolled down his forehead and dripped down his metal shirt. At the sound of a footstep to his left, he raised his head and looked right in the face of Maddox Nixon. 

"I've been waiting for you," he snarled, raising his hand.

"It's been a long time, Onyx." 

"Too long, indeed. You know what you've done. I know what you've done. You are at the end of the line, Maddox. My master has run out of patience."

"Your bark is bigger than your bite, as usual."

"We'll see how big my bite is when I sink my teeth into you."

"Quite the charmer, aren't you?" Maddox laughed, but it was a cruel and sadistic laugh that seemed to echo throughout the deserted streets of Vatican City. 

Onyx drew his sword, relishing in the chink of metal-on-metal as he pointed it at Maddox's throat. "Prepare to meet death." 

Maddox laughed again. "I have been staring death in the face for years now. I am not intimidated by your efforts. I have fought for so long, I am not at the point of surrender yet, and by the Warden's beard, I'll fight until I cannot lift my sword." 

With that, Maddox drew his sword and slashed at Onyx. Onyx, although unprepared, neatly parried and stepped forward, driving his boot into Maddox's knee and swinging for his throat. 

Maddox stumbled and looked to be on the verge of falling, but he recovered himself and responded with a flying lunge as he dove at Onyx's chest. 

Onyx deflected the blow with ease and dropped to the ground, using his left hand to steady himself and jabbing upwards towards Maddox's chest. 

Maddox leaped out of the way and came at Onyx with a quick counter-attack, jabbing at various unprotected points in Onyx's armor. His blade grazed Onyx's shoulder, and Onyx winced as he felt the warm blood trickle down his left bicep. 

Maddox crowed in triumph, but Onyx lunged and disarmed Maddox with a perfectly-executed flick of the wrist, successfully sending Maddox's sword across the street. Before Maddox could respond, Onyx kneed him in the stomach and forced him on his back, holding his sword to the throat. 

"I could always beat you, Maddox. Even when we were oathbrothers, I was always better than you," Onyx panted, a smile spreading across his lips. 

Maddox spat at him in disgust. "You were always so proud, strutting around like a peacock. I was there to protect you, but your arrogance got the better of you."

Onyx grinned. "I was proud, but for good reason, Maddox. I was first class in karate, second class in fencing, first class in kung fu, and second class in strength and endurance training."

"But you were eighth class in literature, ninth class in military strategy, sixth in maths, and sixth in meditation."

"All useless arts that you happened to excel at," Onyx snapped. "It is of no consequence now. First class in military strategy proved very useful, didn't it? Now you are completely at my mercy."

"You would not kill me, Maddox. Not when the game is still young. You forget that you are not indispensible to the Warden. He will not hesitate to dispose of you if he thinks you may have switched sides by killing one of his own."

"But if I would submit believable evidence that you were a traitor, perhaps that would be a valid excuse for your untimely death."

"And how would you concoct such evidence?"

Onyx smiled again. "Just because I failed military strategy does not mean that I am clueless as to how to play this deadly game of chess that we find ourselves in. I have taken some of your personal clothing and tainted them with the blood of that French spy we found dead a few weeks ago. That alone is enough to link you to the crime, and I have bribed several eyewitnesses to present testimonies that they saw someone matching your description around the scene of the crime."

"There is still one thing I don't understand, Onyx. Why? Why would you go to such lengths, take such risks, to kill your oathbrother?"

Onyx smiled cruelly. "Because you once tried to kill me in my sleep, failed, and fled like a coward. I was not fooled by your story. You really expected me to believe that I had fallen and hit my head on the bedside table without waking up, and you had left on business? Please."

"You have no proof. That is all speculation."

"Your refusal to deny it is proof enough."

"Well then, do it. Bury the sword in my neck, and leave my body here while you carry out your malicious plans elsewhere. I have accomplished all I set out to do in life. I can die in peace now, and leave your blood on my hands for eternity." Maddox let his head fall to one side as he dramatically inhaled, allowing the dust and dirt of the street to fill his nostrils. "I won't miss the cruelty of the world when I can be basking in glory next to the gods of fate, watching this pathetic game of yours play out."

"Cut! And that's a wrap! Good job, everyone." The film director, a balding man named Keith, clapped as he slid down from his chair. The stagehands collectively exhaled in relief, starting to chatter as the cameras stopped their recordings. 

"Thank heavens," Onyx sighed. "I was about to pass out under those lights."

"Bring some water for them, Sara!" Keith shouted to a woman standing near the side. She nodded and disappeared into the kitchen area, and Onyx helped Maddox up. 

"Sorry about the spit," Maddox apologized. 

"Don't worry about it. It barely grazed my face."

"How did the fake blood work this time, Onyx?" Keith asked as he walked up to both of them. 

"It was a little too thick for my taste, and ended up just rolling down my arm in globs."

Keith touched a purple bruise on Maddox's arm, and Maddox grimaced. "That looks gnarly," Keith remarked. 

"I'll be fine." Maddox turned away and pulled off his heavy leather vest, handing it to one of the stage hands before helping Keith undo the straps for his white armor. 

"I can't believe that this is actually how assassins dressed in the book," Maddox laughed. "It's so inefficient, like seriously, look at all the gaps." 

"I'm not going to complain. Goodness knows how hot this thing would be if it was a solid sheet of metal underneath those stage lights." Onyx dramatically fanned himself as three or four stage hands fumbled with the complicated system of straps. 

They finished taking off their stage clothes and waved good-bye to Keith and the crew, walking out the door together and to their separate apartments. 

"See ya tomorrow, Oathbrother," Maddox laughed. 

Onyx chuckled. "See ya." 

And with that, they each disappeared into their normal lives, only to return tomorrow to continue their adventures within the world of film. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
26 Reviews


Points: 160
Reviews: 26

Donate
Wed Aug 16, 2017 9:45 pm
Sheadun wrote a review...



HI MJ!

I am here to review this, per your request :) I thought this was a really great story, with an amazing twist at the end.

I only have a couple of points where I thought you could change wording, otherwise this is pretty grammatically correct short story.

"I have taken some of your personal clothing and tainted them with the blood of that French spy we found dead a few weeks ago."

The one problem I have with this statement is that I do not know how Onyx could obtain his personal clothing, and how Maddox would not notice that it was gone. A very small issue, but it is one that I picked up on.

"But if I would submit believable evidence that you were a traitor, perhaps that would be a valid excuse for your untimely death."

The issue that I have found with this is that the word 'submit' almost sounds like social media, or internet use to me haha! My opinion is that the word 'present' would sound more believable for the time period.

I also think it would be fun if you wrote another short story about their normal lives. Maybe we could see the real Onyx and Maddox through that, which would be interesting to compare their characters with.

Overall, a great short story! It was very easy to read, and enjoyable! I was excited to continue on with the story!

Great job!

Shea




User avatar
60 Reviews


Points: 737
Reviews: 60

Donate
Sun Aug 13, 2017 4:13 pm
whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Pearl here for a review!

So, I read this last night, and truth be told, in the first part I actually thought to myself, this sounds like a movie script . I guess I was right! But I was not at all expecting it to actually be a movie ;)

Anyways, onto the review.

Nitpick

''He stood in the doorway, head bowed, a sword in each hand. Heavy white armor coated his body, and beads of sweat rolled down his forehead and dripped down his metal shirt. At the sound of a footstep to his left, he raised his head and looked right in the face of Maddox Nixon. --> For some reason it doesn't work for me that the person is standing in a doorway yet there are footsteps coming from his left it doesn't seem to make sense. I would change it to something like, 'At the sound of footsteps echoing off the walls, he raised his head and looked right into the face of Maddox Nixon.'

''I've been waiting for you," he snarled. --> Who?
"It's been a long time, Onyx." --> Oh, so first Onyx says I've been waiting for you, then Maddox says such and such. A bit confusing, at first.

''Onyx drew his sword, relishing in the chink of metal-on-metal as he pointed it at Maddox's throat. "Prepare to meet death." --> metal-on-metal? as in sword on armor? I don't quite get that, but it may be me.

Onto other stuff . . .

For the whole fighting part, it's to much saying what's been done and less feeling. I get that they're actors, but still, there are some things you could add like smirks and stuff.

Also, I'm confused . . . in the movie they call each other Maddox and Onyx, and in real life they go by the same thing. When the director asks about the fake blood, should he not ask the actor , not the character, about the blood?

I think you did a great job with the plot twist. It actually made me laugh when Keith said 'cut!'. ;)

Other than that, there's not much to say. If you have any questions about what I said, PM me.

I loved this, so keep writing!!

~Pearl




MJTucker says...


Thanks for the review Pearl! The metal-on-metal was the sword being pulled out of the metal sheath. I didn't want to confuse the reader by giving them all two names, and I also couldn't think of a good way to explain it in a non-weird way. If you have any thoughts on how I could do that, I would appreciate those. Thanks again!





You could say (just an example), '' "Thanks heavens!" The actor of Onyx, Mike, sighed. "I was about to pass out under those lights."



User avatar
19 Reviews


Points: 1010
Reviews: 19

Donate
Sun Aug 13, 2017 12:57 pm
Lumos wrote a review...



Hi MJTucker!

You have a fun little story here; there's not much here to critique. You have a good pace and a fun little twist. I didn't see that coming and was pleasantly surprised. I do have a few small suggestions:

Expand on the setting a little more. Just a few small details, like the road was uneven, making it difficult to keep steady or the buildings towered over them, casting shadows.

Maddox leaped out of the way and came at Onyx with a quick counter-attack, jabbing at various unprotected points in Onyx's armor.


I would be a little more specific than saying 'various.' To me, it seems like the cheap way out of having to describe something and offers little value. Perhaps he was aiming for a spot on his shoulder or knee, where his armor didn't quiet cover?

At the end, they continued to call each other Maddox and Onyx, which seemed odd to me once I realized they were actors. I can understand you probably did that to not confuse to the reader, but it seemed odd that they would continue to call each other by their character names.

Overall, this is a well-written and fun read. You did a good job with the ending - like I said, I didn't see that coming! I don't have too many suggestions for improving, so I apologize if this review isn't too helpful. I would just focus on adding a touch more detail and sensory information. Good story! I enjoyed reading! :)

Lumos




MJTucker says...


Thanks for the review Lumos! Pearl also mentioned the ending, so I can understand why that would be confusing. I'll probably change that. I agree with you that I need to work on more details and information, but for a long time I struggled with info-dumps, so still in the process of finding the right balance! Thanks again :)



User avatar
77 Reviews


Points: 1654
Reviews: 77

Donate
Fri Aug 11, 2017 7:17 pm
View Likes
Lael says...



Haha! Didn't expect that ending. :)




MJTucker says...


Thanks :) Talk about plot twists.




Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?
— Homer Simpson