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Super Volcano

by fortis


Freezing my butt off
on a cold summer night in Yellowstone,
wishing for sleep to just take me,
when I remember the (hopefully) Deepest Sleeper of all
deep beneath me,
warm in slumber

hot in waking

covering me in a blanket
of ashes,
under which
I would sleep
forever.


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Sat Aug 12, 2017 5:44 pm
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Kays wrote a review...



Hi there Fortis! This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review as requested.

I'll always willingly review your poetry and if I won't, it's because the poem is heavenly and I don't dare to touch it! Without further ado, let's review. I agree with IcyFlame about the shift in tone after the second line. In the first line the reader is presented with a (what I presume you hoped to be) a humorous opening, and that works. That works...when the rest of the piece takes on the same form as well, which is not the case here. I love the concept of this and with a couple of tweaks, this can be well-executed.

I love the last stanza. What I don't love is the unnecessary 'hopefully' in the middle of line four and the opening line being silly while the rest is not. Fix this by saying that the speaker is cold a different way and go from there. Remove the word 'hopefully' and fix the flow in the first stanza. I also wanted to note that the first line kind of sets the flow up for failure in a way. I'm not against the concept of taking out unnecessary words in poetry (I'm sure that this poem would be even more clogged up if that weren't the case).

What I am going to say is that I read the first line with and without 'I am' in front of it and I found the flow to be a bit more solid with those two extra words. That being said, that's only a small fix to the stanza. Playing around with the punctuation is able to help with this as well for a better overall flow but other than the issues that I've pointed out, this poem is pretty solid! I enjoy this and I'm sure I'll enjoy this even more when a bit of revision is done and this is smoothened out because the imagery is strong (there's definitely potential for the imagery to go more in-depth though) and so is the subtlety and atmosphere, so nice job on this one, bud!

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image




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Thu Aug 10, 2017 5:20 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hi Fortis, I'm just here for a quick review.
I'm not great at reviewing poetry, but I'm trying to branch out a little so here goes.

Overall I like the imagery you've used here and how the concept is quite dark but you've injected some levity through the way you write. I'm not normally one to comment on form, seeing as I feel it's completely personal to the author of the piece but this to me felt a little... off.

Freezing my butt off

The line at the beginning gives me the impression that the poem is going to be somewhat humorous, but it seems to then take a different turn.

on a cold summer night in Yellowstone,

Genuine question, as I have never been to Wyoming (that's where Yellowstone is, right?) but are the summer nights often cold?

when I remember the (hopefully) Deepest Sleeper of all

I get why you included the parenthesis, but for me it makes this particular line too long.

I actually really like your last stanza, I just think the first one could do with some polishing.
Hope this has been helpful to you.

Icy.




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Thu Aug 10, 2017 10:18 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heyo, Forti! Casanova here to do a review for you!


I have to say, I particularly enjoyed this poem. It really does give off the feel of being cold and being sleep deprived, both of which are things I've been through rather a lot. Anyway, to the review!

Freezing my butt off
on a cold summer night in Yellowstone,
wishing for sleep to just take me,
when I remember the (hopefully) Deepest Sleeper of all
deep beneath me,
warm in slumber


I couldn't find much of anything wrong with this stanza, and I rather enjoy it, it's really my favourite set of lines in this short poem. If anything, my only problem is that it's too short? Like, in the next line,"Hot in waking," I think you could elaborate more on the hotness. You go into major detail about sleep, yet this is pretty much all there is when it comes to the actual heat of the volcano. I really would suggest going into a bit more detail and just playing around with this imagery, it's something that intrigues me to no end. Anyway, onward.

covering me in a blanket
of ashes,
under which
I would sleep
forever.


I don't know about others, but to me at least, this just seems like a bland end to the poem. I'm not trying to say that this is bad, all I mean that after the gigantic build up at the beginning, I was expecting something more... Well, more. I hope this makes sense.

Anyway, that's all I have to say on this one, and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing, and keep on keeping on.


Sincerely, Cas.





The mind of man is capable of anything - because everything is in it, all the past as well as all the future.
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness