Young Writers Society

Okay, I am here to review this one now. I hope I help you with it thisislegacy.

Alright, so I feel that this one shows a lot more emotion and tells everyone what happened a lot clearer than your other one, attack. This one has more strong and verbal wording and in my opinion, if I didn't know already what happened, I feel that just anyone would be able to understand what happened.

Also this shows a lot more emotion...i al ready said that but it really does show the emotion I think you were going for. You can read the anger in this.. But i noticed that I believe your fifth stanza was a but linger than the others.. But in my opinion even with that being said I feel that it still goes good with the poem..

I would say that with this particular poem and with the message your trying to say, I feel that if there wasn't a rhyme scheme to go by it would be stronger because you wouldn't force yourself to make it rhyme, instead you'd say what needs to be said and it would be a more strong theme. You would be able to say what your thinking instead of having yourself make the poem rhyme.

I noticed that at some points you repeated the same word, so you were repetitive in some lines. Like for instance, you said you put me through hell, everything you put me through.. Well that kind if sounds off but then again it sounds like it fits or that it should be there......if that makes since..

Either way, I really loved this. I read this and It filled me with emotion and rage. I can tell that you were angry throughout this poem. It Was very well with emotion and the wording was perfect. I really liked this and it is very ckear if what it is talking about.

I really wanna read more if your work in the past!!! This poem was amazing

~bvbAngel<3

Hey ThisisLegacy,

This poem is SO much clearer than "Attack" with what it's talking about. Like, I'm still not 100% on all of the details, but the meaning behind the poem, the anger and emotion in it, is a lot clearer. I feel like the only thing you could have done to actively make this better would be if you dropped the rhyme scheme.

I don't know about you, but I see rhymes as something sing-songy and light hearted. This poem is decidedly NOT that, and I feel like dropping the rhyme scheme would give you more maneuverability with your language. You've got good words, but you're restricting yourself with rhymes and you're not letting yourself really say everything you want to because you're trying to stick to a quatrain with abab cross-rhyme scheme. As pretty as it can be with some subjects, those are usually flowers and butterflies, not child abuse.

I think you should also watch your language because you've got some words that are repeated in lines right after one another, for instance this couplet.

"You put me through hell,
Everything you put me through "

If you read it as a sentence, it's repetitive and that's not a good thing when you already have a rhyme scheme. Try to only use a word once in a poem, unless it's a closed classed word like "the, a, an" and pronouns. This will help prevent repetition like that. Also, if you Do have to use the same word repeatedly, make sure it's not within the same stanza, or at the VERY least, not in a line right next to the line it was just used in like this is.

With that said, I'd like to give you this guide to publishing poetry on YWS so you can get the stanzas you want and not make your poem require dashes and stuff when it isn't necessary:

How to Format Poetry

Good work! Keep going
-Aley