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A Hundred Castles Of Dream

by DreamerBidi

In the blink of an eye,you came into my life,

Just as same,you faded away,

Into the ocean of strangeness and lies,

The unforgotten shadow of promises still lurks by,

The unfamiliar figure, that wasn't so,once upon a time.

Heart so hollow,mind so empty,and so comfortably numb

Yet,trying to hold on,as the day darkness befell

Upon the planet of rainbows,where we dwelt,

The place where a hundred castles of dream we built,

With the unbreakable bricks of love and trust.

Alas! The place is now in utter ruins!

And underneath the debris lies our inflicted souls

That still clings to the tinge of hope that lived,

And rebuild the hundred castles of dream,

Claim the throne and rightfully rule the realm!

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12 Reviews

Points: 26
Reviews: 12

Tue Jul 18, 2017 3:37 am
therichalder wrote a review...

Honestly, I really loved this. It seemed rather motivational, which for me is rare to see in poems. My biggest issue is that the commas are kind of off with the structure. It sounds a bit jilting as you read it, but that's not too big a deal.
I also really like the title. It's certainly a very eye-catching title that many people like. The narrator is a tad confusing though, since it seems to change a lot. Hopefully that will get fixed later. Overall, I really loved this poem. I can't say that enough. The exclamation points are a little awkward, but it's hard to fit them in anywhere these days. Honestly, exclamation points almost always look awkward now except in occasional dialogue.
But anyway, I really enjoyed this piece overall.

Random avatar
DreamerBidi says...

First of all,thanks for the review. And you're right about the commas and exclamation point...I too realize it now. I'll try to improvise it and minimize the errors.

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66 Reviews

Points: 5274
Reviews: 66

Mon Jul 17, 2017 4:37 am
iamanaspiringwriter wrote a review...

Hey DreamerBidi! Congrats on your first work published to YWS!

The first thing that caught my attention about the poem was the fact that the commas as well as line breaks seemed (to me) as though they weren't placed correctly. If I read the poem and adhered to all of the commas and lines, then I came out reading it awkwardly. It interrupted the natural flow for me. This may just be personal issue, but just check by reading this poem aloud with all of your commas to see if you really want all of them to be there.
I got confused as to who the narrator was referring to during the poem. The narrator starts out talking to one person, about how they faded away and everything. Then the focus shifts towards both the narrator and that person, and how they are building hundreds of castles of dreams together? Then it goes back to the person claiming the throne? You need to be more clear on who is doing what, because the details are too vague to be understood.
You do have some grammar issues that make it confusing as well. Like

That still clings to the tinge of hope that lived,

It should be "lies our inflicted souls that still cling to the tinge of hope that lives"
Throughout the poem, stay consistent with your verb tenses to help readers understand better.

I can see that you are working on building upon your images, which is great! I'm starting to see some coming together. I think with more revising, this piece could come together well!

Thanks for sharing with us on YWS!

Random avatar
DreamerBidi says...

First of all,thanks for the review.. I think you're right about the commas .It is indeed very awkward to read. I'll try to work on that. And by "that still clings to the tinge of hope that lived", I meant that it survived through the destruction in the past. I'll keep your words in mind and try to improve. %u263A

Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
— Pat Buchanan