Young Writers Society

Hello again, gxldencrxwns! PastelSlushie here for a review! Let's get right into it!

First comment: I did find this to be quite enjoyable, but what you interpret as a "relationship" is quite toxic, and could lead to breakups, ugly ones, even. The line, "If her laugh doesn't make you tense your knuckles up in fear of never hearing it again," that is... a toxic representation of love. You should never let your anxiety or other disorders get in the way of the one you love.

Second comment: The repetitive "You're not in love with her" line doesn't work. It didn't start off strong, and if it doesn't start off strong in the beginning, it doesn't afterward. That's why it's hard to make reputation work.

Well, this is the end of this review. Sorry if I seemed harsh in anyway you didn't like. Keep writing!

Pastel

I was reading this and I wasn't sure about all of it, but then I got to the last line like *slams like button*

Hello, gxldencrxwns! Willard here, this is my first review in over a year, I'll be rusty as hell, and I hope you enjoy it.

You probably won't. You most likely won't. And that's okay. I'm never the happiest reviewer. I tend to be too cynical on specific things, and while I do try my best to offer the writer advice, I am not exactly the cheerleader anyone wants. Don't take any of it personal. This is just me judging the poem.

I do have a lot of problems with this poem. The biggest gripe specifically is the subject. Love. "What is true love?" "Do you feel love?" "Do you know what love is?". The last poem I posted on here had to do with love, believe it or not. Yet what makes the subject so unappealing is that it's talked about a lot. And since it's talked about a lot, you hear a lot of the same points over and over and over and over and over again. It gets to the point, especially recently, where it feels as if I'm reading the same poem multiple times. That can be okay, occasionally, because writers usually have some different flair to the words they put down. However, most of the time, there is really no true variation, and that gets so grating. That is what this poem suffers from the most. It takes a typical subject, yet offers nothing comparatively interesting and fresh. For the reader, it leaves them feeling underwhelmed (or me at least). For the critic, it leaves them angry. For the writer, it leaves you deadlocked. Take something you're especially good at, and apply it to a subject like this. If you know a lot about fantasy, use some "light"ness and add it to this poem. As of right now, it's just a generic love poem. I'm not calling it bad. I'm not calling you bad. But it's personally what I strongly feel.

However, it can't be a review if I don't nitpick.

If yelling at her in an argument doesn't make your throat burn like you just downed six shots,

You're not in love with her. 

If her eyes can't make you stop in your tracks and make you think about what you're about to say,

You're not in love with her. 

If her laugh doesn't make you tense your knuckles up in fear of never hearing it again,

You're not in love with her. 

If her voice can't calm your worst anxiety attacks and makes you want to listen to everything she says,

If her smile doesn't make your chest quake and your lungs shrink but still feel refreshed,

If her taking off her clothes is when you pay the most attention to her, 

You're not in love with her. 

Sorry if I seem like a stalker, but I keep on finding your work. It's interesting that you took on this topic and yes I agree with the rating. However, I found the alcohol comparison unnecessary. "If yelling at her doesn't make your throat burn like you just downed six shots…", though I might sound like a goody two shoes, personally I would compare to the sun or use something like turn your throat into an inferno. This is a very minor thing. I did find the rest of the poem great and the ending was very powerful. Especially since it has happened to people I love. Once again you're a talented writer. Keep up the great work!!

Hai gxldencrxwns,
Ok first off, this was an interesting piece. Although I could tell that the mature content flows throughout the poem it was quite enjoyable. I do love the subject you chose because the one thing we all don't realize is how complicated a relationship can be. I have honestly got to admit this is a hard subject. There is so much feel going on out and about that creating this raw, to-the-core emotion can be increasingly difficult. The one this that I also love about your work the the amount of effort you must have put into it. When you write a poem putting the words at word is so hard because it requires tons of knowledge. I feel like you can accomplish many thing out of writing literature. Some people enjoy the fact that they have a talent and some people take years of practice to create something extraordinary. I am not here to point out every mistake that you could have made because that would not help at all. I want to help writers like you to excel in the future so that I can see your work published. So please don't thank me, I want to thank you for inspiring me...
Nidkits

Wow this is really good, I just love the way you say things,

Amazing work! It's so easy to get mixed up between real feelings and sexual feelings.

Hi there, I'm here to review your lovely piece

Let's begin with how much I love the meaning behind this poem. You capture the real and raw feelings of true love. The little things that add up to the big things. Love the concept.

I like how you narrow down each line to small details, and lead to a bigger premise and meaning underneath each gentle yet cutting description. Very nice effect.

Now, there are a few lines I may change up a bit. Just minor word choice adjustments that would make the poem flow more.

Let's look at an example:

Your original line: "If her taking off her clothes is when you pay the most attention to her..."

The word choice here can come off as a bit choppy. Nothing too deterring, but distracting enough where I might change it up a bit.

"If when she strips her clothes off is when you pay the most attention to her" might sound more cohesive.

Overall, I think this is a solid poem. I think if you change up some of the word choice here and there, it can be even more cutting edge. I enjoyed reading this piece!

Please message me if you have any questions or concerns (or angry rants even) about my review

Happy writing,

Kali L.

Hey there gxldencrxwns, I'm dropping in to leave you a review!

I think that this is an interesting concept, and I think that the repetition actually works quite well in this piece. That being said, I think there are a few changes you could make to create an even better poem.

First of all, I think you should take out the very first line. The additional "you're not in love with her" doesn't really do anything to benefit the poem, and you get your point across very well in the rest of the poem.

If yelling at her in an argument doesn't make your throat burn like you just downed six shots, You're not in love with her.

If her voice can't calm your worst anxiety attacks and makes you want to listen to everything she says, You're not in love with her.