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Mixing Magic [Draft 2]: Chapter 2.2

by Mea


Ayda’s heart sank when she flew up to her house and saw the glow of firemoss lanterns still shining through the windows. She supposed it was too much to hope that they would have gone to bed — it wasn’t that late. Dread curling in her stomach, she landed on the porch and eased open the door.

Her parents and Nova were all sitting around the table, apparently finishing a late dinner. Silence fell when she walked in. Ayda decided not to prolong it. She pulled her knapsack off and set it beside the fireplace. “Sorry I got back so late,” she said, nonchalant. “The nearer patches were picked clean, and I had to fly way north to find more. It took me longer than I thought it would.” A partial truth.

Nova was looking skeptically at Ayda, but her parents either bought it or didn’t feel like pressing the point, because all Father said was “Well, there’s still food left. Sit down and have some.”

Ayda sat across from her mother, who was short and curly-haired and the sort of person whose wrinkles came primarily from smiling too much. On her right was her father, who was long-limbed and had a lean, alert face. Ayda took a single berry from the center — enough for a small meal. “Any progress on getting a new wagon?”

Mom shook her head, but then her eyes brightened. “But we were speaking with Master Bivale earlier, and we have some wonderful news.”

“He’s made us a very good offer,” Father agreed, but Ayda had the feeling he was watching her carefully for a reaction. To her right, Nova was watching her too, with an expression Ayda couldn’t read.

“What?” Ayda said impatiently, a small seed of hope blossoming. Maybe Bivale had found her a way to enter that carving contest at Crescent Moon to win an apprenticeship. Crescent Moon — a renowned hub of instruction and experimentation, both in magic and mundane crafts. It was located just outside of Moonwater, the center of trade in Arvania and the home of the main portals to the other Kingdoms. And it was famous for its sculptors.

“Well, you’re always so frustrated about how behind you are,” Mom said. “This is the perfect thing. Master Bivale is offering to let you board with him while we’re gone, and he’ll personally tutor you over the summer. Think of how much you’ll improve! And you’ll get to know the other apprentices more.”

Her mother was smiling at her as if she expected Ayda to jump for joy. Ayda felt the heat rise on her cheeks. She couldn’t do this. She had been waiting for months — she wasn’t going to spend her summer cooped up in a shop sawing wood.

“Mom, I appreciate it, I really do,” she said. “But I can’t stay here all summer. I’d go crazy. I have to get out of here.”

Her father looked at her sternly. “Ayda, think this through before you turn it down. You know how Master Bivale is — you know what this offer means. You could be a full apprentice by next year, a junior craftsmen in a few more.”

Ayda shook her head violently. “No, I mean it, I can’t. I won’t stay here all summer. I want to travel.”

“Ayda, really, I know you like traveling, but you’ve come with us every year before. We thought you’d be happy for the change. Don’t you like woodworking enough?” Mom said, pleading.

“Not like he does it!” Ayda burst out. “All we do is make tools and planks and furniture. You know I want to sculpt. Nothing he makes is beautiful.”

“But they work. And he sells them, and he makes a living,” Father retorted. “More than a living — he’s rich.”

“You have to pick a trade, Ayda,” her mother said. “If you’re not an apprentice by sixteen…”

“I know that, Mom,” Ayda said, needled. She had picked a trade — sculpting. There was just no one to apprentice to here, and her parents couldn’t afford the apprenticeship fee, even if she did persuade the sculptors at Crescent Moon to accept her. That’s why she had to win the contest. “That’s why I need to enter the contest.”

“No,” Father said, “that’s why you will stay here for the summer with Master Bivale.”

“We’ve told you already, dear, we just can’t manage the trip to Crescent Moon right now — “

“What Mom means to say,” said Nova, “is that it’s practically guaranteed you aren’t going to win, and so it’s not worth the time and the cost. It’s a four-day round trip. We’d leave even later.”

“You don’t know that,” said Ayda hotly, glaring at her sister. “And there’s no reason we can’t stop there when we go to Moonwater.” Moonwater was the capital of Arvania, where its permanent portals were located that would allow them to pass to the other Kingdoms. Crescent Moon was a short flight across the river from there.

“But when does the contest close?” Nova said knowingly.

“This is the last week,” Ayda admitted, deflating. “And we’re not ready to leave.”

There was silence at the table for a minute. Then Ayda’s mother spoke. Her curly brown hair bounced, cheery as usual, but her tone told a different story.

“Ayda, we’re sorry you’re unhappy about this. We’d hoped you would be excited for a bit of a change. But this isn’t open to discussion. You are going to stay with Master Bivale for the summer. We need this opportunity.”

Ayda looked from her mother’s face to her father’s to Nova’s. “Tell them I have to come,” she begged in a whisper of Nova. “Please.”

Nova avoided her gaze and didn’t answer.

Stuck here, in this backwater city for another year until they left again? With nothing to do but saw wood and make chairs? She wouldn’t get to see Vjorin’s caverns, or climb the Bryks Mountains again. She would miss seeing Ashmount, the old, grandfatherly Shade who always bought a ridiculous amount of herbs from her parents. Ever since she was too young to remember, he had told her three new stories each time they visited. He was the best storyteller she knew, and this year she wouldn’t get to hear his stories. All this flashed through her mind in a second.

She couldn’t do it. This couldn’t be happening — her parents weren’t cruel like this — and yet they were more serious than Ayda had ever seen them before. She could argue until dawn, but she knew they wouldn’t change their minds. Something nagged at her, something her mother had said, but it was swallowed up as Ayda’s life for the next year was restructured before her eyes.

Ayda had no appetite anymore. She pushed her chair back from the table. “I’m not hungry,” she said, and fled before anyone could call her back.

It was only in her room, laying on her bed and staring dully at the ceiling, that she remembered Madeline, alone in the woods and still hungry. Mechanically, Ayda slid off her bed and, shunning the door, unlocked the window and flew out. Fresh air would clear her head, and if her parents looked in on her, well, they could survive worrying about her for half an hour.

She slipped around the house to the larder in the back, filling her knapsack with nuts and other dense foods, as much as she could carry, and a few minutes later she was flying over the city wall for the second time that evening.

When she reached the overhang, she squinted into the shadows and realized that Madeline was already asleep, curled into a tight ball on the mossy ground. So Ayda emptied her knapsack on a rock a few feet away, hoping Madeline would see it in the morning. At least she had been able to fall asleep.

What am I going to do about you? she thought, watching Madeline’s silhouette rise and fall as she breathed. Ayda had no idea how to send Madeline back to her world. She knew nothing about making portals, andneither did most Little Folk, which ruled out anyone at Nikka. If anyone could help her, it would be the people at Crescent Moon. But how was she supposed to get Madeline there?

The simplest thing to do would be to tell the authorities, and let them handle Madeline. But then there would be investigations and interrogations, and if word got out that Ayda had found a lost human, both her family and Madeline would be the subject of gossip for years.

Ayda didn’t know how long she lingered there, but at the end of it she didn’t have any answers, and the pit in the bottom of her stomach was just as deep. The only thing she could do was wait, and hope she could figure out why her parents were so adamant about her staying, and how to talk them out of it.

The shutters were closed when Ayda returned, and a firemoss lamp must have been uncovered, because light spilled from the cracks despite Ayda being sure she had left her room dark. Who was in there? She frowned and pulled on the shutters. They were locked.

Rolling her eyes, she knocked on them. A moment later, they swung open and Nova appeared. “Finally,” she said.

“What are you doing?” Ayda demanded, folding her arms across her chest. “Get out of my room.”

Nova’s gaze lingered on Ayda’s empty knapsack, still hanging in front of her, but Ayda wasn’t about to offer an explanation. She darted through the window, pushing past her sister, and landed on her bed, dropping the knapsack to the floor. Nova still hadn’t moved.

Fine. “Any particular reason you decided to wait up?”

“I need to explain something to you.”

Nova’s tone of voice made Ayda turn around and actually look at her sister. Nova’s cropped hair was disheveled, and she was wringing her hands as if worried, something Ayda had never seen her do. Nova was always calm, in control, but not now.

“What is it?” said Ayda, torn between concern and lingering annoyance that Nova had sided with her parents.

“I know why Mom and Dad are making you stay here,” Nova said. “They won’t even discuss it with you, but they need you to stay.”

“But why?” Ayda asked, struggling to stop herself from shouting. “They’ve never had a problem with it before! I help them! Why can’t they just accept that I don’t want to be a carpenter?”

“Because they can’t afford it!” It was one of the few times Ayda had ever heard Nova raise her voice.

Ayda was stunned into silence as the implications wormed their way through her stomach. “What do you mean?” she asked quietly.

“The reason, the real reason, they’ve been delaying leaving for so long is because they aren’t even sure we’ll be able to go,” said Nova. “We have more stock than we normally sell, and we don’t have enough gold to cover usual expenses. Haven’t you noticed we haven’t made any bulk sales in months?”

No, Ayda hadn’t.

“And then on top of all of that, we have to buy a new wagon,” Nova said. “You of all people should know those aren’t cheap.”

“So why didn’t they tell me?”

“They don’t want you to worry,” Nova said. “Plus,” she added, “you left the table without giving them much chance to explain.

“But you see now why you have to stay with Master Bivale? A whole six months of free board and three meals a day for you? One fewer person to pay travel taxes for?I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s the difference between going and staying this year. And we need to go. A few good commissions will get us back on our feet.”

“I get it,” said Ayda, defeated. What was she supposed to say to that? “You’re still going, of course.”

Nova spread her hands helplessly. “I have to learn somehow. I’ll be officially part of the business next year.”

“Lucky you,” said Ayda. She stood up and opened the door for Nova. “Thanks for the explanation.”

Nova left, and Ayda refrained from slamming the door behind her in despair. Gone was any hope of changing her parents’ minds; whatever she did, she couldn’t make money appear out of thin air.

Ayda sat down on her bed, kicking at her knapsack. Her fate was set — there really was nothing to do about it. She took the carving from its hiding place under her bed and began to shave away some finer details. Earlier, she had never wanted to finish the thing, let alone give it to her parents, but thanks to Nova all her anger was stripped away. It really wasn’t her parents fault she couldn’t go. Everything made complete and logical sense.

And that was the most infuriating part about it all. The only thing left was Madeline — Ayda supposed she would have to tell her parents about the girl after all, and beg them to take her with them and drop her off discreetly at Crescent Moon.

But at the thought of Madeline, a strange euphoria began to creep through Ayda, and when she realized why, she sprang off the bed into the air, wings fluttering madly.

It was simple, really. All she had to look forward to was a long year of carpentry. Madeline needed to go to Crescent Moon to get help from the magical experts there. Ayda needed to go so she could enter the contest. And Ayda knew the road to Moonwater like she knew the sound of her wings in flight. What was stopping her from leaving for a few days to take Madeline there?

I could just run away. It’s only for a few days, and if I don’t I won’t see anywhere but Nikka for the next year. And really, how would they punish me? They’ll be mad for a while, but then they’ll be leaving me behind anyway. And they know I can handle myself on the road. They won’t worry.

The very thought of getting out of Nikka, of spending hours flying through the forest and sleeping on a lofty branch under the stars, even for only two nights, thrilled Ayda to her core. And she knew in that moment she had already made her decision. The only thing left to do was act.


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Sat Sep 09, 2017 10:03 pm
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LadyLizz wrote a review...



Hey Mea. Third day of RevMo. Maybe I can get through a few of these chapters today and makeup for slacking off before.

The plot thickens.
It's actually a bit premature to say this considering I'm only on the second chapter and it's just starting to come together. It was just the best thing I could use describe what my first thoughts coming into this part were. The character is trying to prepare herself to face her family and give them a good excuse about being away. If this had been something I had written, there probably would have been a stabbing. But this is one of your works so I'm expecting it to be of a higher class.

Just to say this before I even really get down to the next portion but somehow I was expecting her to run away at some point. Maybe it was just how all points of the set up plot were matching in stride and how the pieces of the puzzle were fitting together too soon. If I continue on with the puzzle analogy, it's like almost all of the edge pieces are in but then you started putting the middle together because something was missing. Something here just gives me the combined vibe of being missing and/or rushed along before its time.

The fight itself wasn't that much of a fight, the door slam and the tameness were part of my expected mindset coming into this work. Perhaps I shouldn't be so quick to jump the gun on these judgements and wait for some solid evidence, but they've worked out so far. I'm wondering if maybe this is pointed at a lower grade level than highschool, like how some mysteries are written to be solved by anyone. That was just a thought that came to me in the mist of the simplicity of the current plotline. Maybe it picks up into a darker twist further down the road but this is just the overall opinion that is coming to me.

Uh I guess that's really all I have to say because this has been pretty well picked over already.
Happy Revmo.
I'm trying to get up to current chapter by tonight so you'll probably be seeing a bit of me.




Mea says...


It's aimed at a 12-14 age group, so sort of young, but I've never been really happy with the fight anyway and I'll be trying to make it more intense.



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Wed Sep 06, 2017 2:39 am
Carlito wrote a review...



Hello again!! It's been a busy weekend of traveling so I hope to start whipping out reviews a little faster now :)

There was some more new stuff in this segment! I was a little confused when the segment started because we ended 2.1 with Ayda getting ready to take Madeline to her town and arrange a place for her to sleep outside and then we cute to Ayda getting to her house. I'd like at least a couple of paragraphs about what happened between those two points. Was it hard to get close to her community without anyone noticing them? What does Madeline think of the accommodations? What's the plan from here? What about food?

I thought the scene with the family was good. I loved how much you incorporated Ayda's thoughts into that conversation. It's clear what Ayda wants and how she feels about her options and what her family is choosing for her. I also liked that you managed not to make her sound whiny or ungrateful. She has valid thoughts and feelings about what she wants to do, and she's clearly not happy about her parent's decisions, but she's mature about it.

I also liked the scene with Madeline and everything she thought about that situation. One little thing that I think you could show a little bit more is why it's such a big deal for Ayda to keep Madeline a secret right now. You mention gossip and I think a few other things, but why will people gossip? Why will people care? I like that Ayda thinks she can handle this on her own, but this feels like a pretty big thing (haha no pun intended :p) to try to handle on her own. Surely at some point someone else is going to notice there's a human. Wouldn't it be better to get in front of it rather than wait for fallout? But, I also have to check myself because I'm an adult and Ayda is a kid and adults don't think the same way as kids :p

I also liked that you included the moment at the end with her sister to explain the real reason why all of this is happening this way. Like I said when I read the last draft (and I've probably already said it at some point in this draft), I love all of the different layers you add to the plot - her personal goals with her future career, her family problems, Madeline, and I know there's more to come ;)

And she's going to run away?! This is different from the last draft, yes? My memory surely can't be that fuzzy! :p I can't remember how she got away from her family with Madeline last time and how that ball got rolling. I like this idea so far and I'm excited to see where you go with it! Something tells me it's going to create some problems (but maybe that's because I've spent so much time with Miss Liz :p).

That's all for now! I'll be back for more soon, but in the meantime let me know if you have any questions/if there's something you'd like feedback on that I didn't mention! :D




Mea says...


Check the end of 2.1 again - I think you missed a few paragraphs.

And yes, her running away is new! You don't remember how she got there last time because it was super boring. The one problem is that it does raise the question of "But why is she keeping Madeline a secret?" and my only answer to that is honestly, this is exactly what Ayda would do. Especially at this point in the story.



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Tue Aug 08, 2017 7:25 am
kirishimaxbokuguo wrote a review...



what form of authorities? is Madeline naked? Also this chapter is super cliche. Yes there are side characters that try to comfort and or reason with the main character. Well at least you didn't aggressively force the main by some weird mind magic and forgetting about Madeline which will cause the story to become angst. Again no further description of Ayda. I'm honestly curios how does Ayda look like.




Mea says...


I tend to forget description of clothing, so thanks for reminding me about that. Madeline isn't naked - she's wearing jeans and a shirt. I'm not going to do a looking in the mirror scene, so descriptions of Ayda are spaced out throughout the text. At this point you should already know that she has creamy brown skin and long black hair. She's also about a foot tall, and her wings are gossamer gold shaped like a monarch butterfly's.

Also, if you're defining "side characters trying to comfort and/or reason with the main character" as cliche, well, I can't think of a book I've recently read where that doesn't occur in some way at some point. What specifically do you not like about it? I know the side characters could probably do with some more development.





I didn't say I didn't like it. Just cliche. well shadowhunters is an example. May Nova character grows.



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Sun Jul 30, 2017 4:25 am
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Thundahguy wrote a review...



Third review my novel reviewing period.

When I started reading this, I was definitely worried. It started off a lot worse than your previous two chapters. The cliched characters became more cliche then before. I mean really. The contest that'll guarantee my dreams. The parents trying to dissuade their child. I mean it really hurt me to see the potential being wasted.

Once I got to the second half, though, it started to become a lot more interesting. Most people would leave it at barring the protagonist from going, but when Nova explains how they don't have enough money to even go with Ayda, it gave the story a much more realistic portrayal. Showing how people aren't following their dreams not because others don't want them to, but because they can't. Easily made up the first half.

Now for my general spiel of opinions.

Characters did let me down a bit. Ayda's handling of her parent's decision did go against the normal spunk she seemed to have had, so I'm glad that she's getting a bit more development. The parents are still pretty much cliches and the way you described them didn't really help against that. Nova actually started to devolve a bit. She has this sort of arrogant air to her. Her own sister is barred from going cross country, and Nova seems to brag about how there's no other way instead of trying to comfort her.

No major plot points in this. It's all really just a way to kickstart the main journey. I've already explained why I liked your execution of it above.

Nothing to note on world building.

Overall I'd have to dock marks for execution, but I'll give marks for realism and trying to portray a genuinely human problem in society today. Since the main storyline is starting to pick up, I'm excited at what's going to happen next. I still want to know why this is called Mixing Magic.




Mea says...


I'm really appreciating your perspective on this. Do you think if I strengthened the parents' personalities (which is definitely on my list of fixes) that would help the first half stop feeling cliche?



Thundahguy says...


Really depends. I don't know if the parents are going to be reoccurring or not. If they are, then it may be better to fix, but if not, then it'd be fine to leave it.



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Mon Jul 17, 2017 6:34 am
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Wolfical wrote a review...



Hello Mea! I'm finally coming to review :)

I read the other chapter parts of course, but they were both so perfect and already had enough reviews that I decided I'd start reviewing here, and eventually hopefully catch up to where I can get some Green Room reviews! I'm so proud of you for writing so quickly and so well. This draft is already looking so much better than the last one, if that's possible!

Alright, so. This chapter. For YWS' sake, it's good to keep chapters short, but I feel like all of Chapter 2 would have been perfect as the latter half of Chapter 1. It wouldn't be too long, either. I say this because this chapter ends with the call to action, literally ("The only thing left to do was act"). The conflicts are established, the characters are introduced, and the rest of the book is set up - a perfect, well-rounded first chapter. If we consider the first chapter of Liz + Zac, I can compare it to that - at that point Liz is ready to leave home, just as Ayda would be here.

When Ayda's family first tells her that they plan to leave her behind so that she can work with Master Bivale for the extra five months or so, I was expecting Ayda to immediately respond more passionately. She had been hoping they'd say that she would find a way to the Crescent Moon thingy, so when they don't, when they say the exact opposite, I was surprised that all she said was “Mom, I appreciate it, I really do." It's like she was anticipating that they'd say that, when I didn't get the impression that she had. I think an immediately devastated or horrified response would be more fitting. Or at least let us see her thoughts before she speaks.

Ayda had no appetite anymore. She pushed her chair back from the table. “I’m not hungry,” she said, and fled before anyone could call her back.

I don't see that sentence as necessary, since she says as much to her family shortly after.

Mechanically, Ayda slid off her bed and, shunning the door, unlocked the window and flew out.

Something about the phrase "shunning the door" I really like! It's original.

I agree with Dragon that although Ayda's reason for going to the Crescent Moon thingy is clear for her own sake (the contest), it isn't as clear for Madeline's sake. I would appreciate more explanation on how they would be able to help get Madeline back to Earth more than the police station would. I get the impression that maybe this place has more magic people like the woman Madeline described, or portals, but it isn't explained very well.

You've done such a good job establishing the differing conflicts so far. This is a really strong start, and I'm excited to see where you take this novel!

Great job!




Mea says...


I say this because this chapter ends with the call to action, literally ("The only thing left to do was act").

This is a really interesting point that I had not considered.



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Fri Jul 07, 2017 3:53 am
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DragonWriter22 wrote a review...



Yay! I really liked this part!


I liked how you wrote Ayda's thought process for how she was supposed to deal with Madeline. It read very believably and was convincing. I kind of wished there'd be a mention of it a bit earlier, if only in passing. I'd imagine she'd be wondering about that when she got home and saw her family was still awake. She might have done this near the end of the last passage and I just can't remember because of the split. That's one of the difficult-to-avoid problems with posting things in parts here.

I've probably said this before, but I am glad that Ayda is taking her parents' decision in a reasonable way (well, besides the running away part). She can see the reasonable aspect to it and isn't throwing a fit when there really is little that they can do. The conclusion to run away was reached rapidly, but I still felt the flow of her thought process was believable. It felt a bit coincidental that Madeline also needed to go to Crescent Moon. You've highlighted why Ayda wants to get there so badly, but didn't really explain why going there would help Madeline. Explaining that could help it feel more believable.

You've added more description to Ayda's parents here and I they had more life to them, but I'm still feeling a need for a little more depth. This is difficult since most of the interactions Ayda's had with them are brief and somewhat confrontational. You've described Ayda's mother as "the sort of person whose wrinkles came primarily from smiling too much", but due to the circumstances we've only really ever seen her in distress and the description feels odd. The last thing with her parents that I'm not sure about is how they keep saying how they thought she'd be happy at the change. I feel like it's fairly obvious that Ayda wouldn't like it and it leaves me unsure what to make of why they're saying that. Are they trying to force enthusiasm in the face of something unpleasant? Does Ayda hide how much she doesn't like carving/isn't close enough to her parents for them to realize? I feel like Ayda is rather vocal about what she'd rather do, so I doubt it'd be the middle option. It's not that big of a detail, but I'm struggling to fit it in with what I know of the characters so far.

The flow of the piece is pretty good and it was easy to go from one idea to the next. The only bit that was disjointing was where I could tell you used several paragraphs from your previous draft. I felt like the writing style changed a tiny bit in that part in a subtle way. I'm not entirely sure though since I may only have noticed it because I know it's from the last draft. You'll probably need someone else's feedback for that part. A quick read-through and editing to help it blend in more is probably all it needs.

Anyway, I really am impressed with how much you've been able to improve upon the beginning and I'm excited to see where this new direction goes!




Mea says...


Hm, you make a lot of good points.



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Thu Jul 06, 2017 6:11 pm
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PrincessInk wrote a review...



Hello again! :)

Her parents' lack of funds is a really convincing reason and I can't exactly blame them for telling her she HAD to. And I can't really blame Ayda for being upset when she expected to join the contest in Crescent Moon, and to miss all the travelling excitement.

My largest critique here is that I can't really connect to Ayda's shock and unhappiness about the decision. I do see it, that she's unhappy about it but because I haven't see how much she looked forward to this, the emotional impact is much less. (It is possible that I had forgotten.) It could be tricky, but interspersing hopes of her winning the Crescent Moon contest in the previous bits might build up to create the emotional impact of needing to stay here.

I can really understand that Ayda is still upset even though her parents can't afford for her to come along. I think she knows that that's the best for the whole family, BUT remains unhappy. And that's why I really like Ayda's reaction after her sister explained things out.

I also noticed "Master Luffley" and I think he's supposed to be "Bivale"? Just pointing it out because I thought it might be confusing :)

Anyway.

Ayda has some nerve to decide in a minute to run away!!! Yes, she's desperate NOT to be apprenticed to Bivale but that decision came reeeally fast! Makes me wonder if she's the type who does it on-the-moment and has some doubts later on. Just calm down and think about it more. The "They won't worry" sounds a little like she's trying to convince herself, because despite her parents knowing that she's perfectly okay travelling alone, I bet they'd worry.

My review is a bit disjointed, so best to take anything I have here with a grain of salt. Hope this helped and I'll see you in the next installment! :D




Mea says...


Re: Ayda's decision - yeah, it's pretty impulsive. It's interesting, because in the original draft, I wasn't thinking of her as very impulsive. But she's definitely turned into an impulsive character.

Thanks a lot as always!




What orators lack in depth they make up for in length.
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