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Midnight Hippos, the rise of slice. Chapter two V1

by Corvus


Chapter 2

Rain shed down from the sky, bouncing quietly off the leaves above. The jungle was silent, save a few trilling calls from hunting birds. Xena lay by her window, watching droplets of water slide delicately across the moss covered branches. The droplets fell gracefully down towards the forest's understory far below her tree house. Xena was a very beautiful hippo, she was rather large for a pygmy, standing at four feet, her russet skin was tinged with honey as if auriferous, her eyes were a pair of sparkling sapphires. Xena groaned why can’t the king just make this rain stop? That's his whole thing right?

Suddenly, her ears shot up as she glanced at a jar of silver liquid on the shelf nearby.“By Quedus! I’m late!” she scrambled clumsily to her feet.

Xena ran out of her tree house and out onto the long, mahogany bridge that connected them to the center of the small town of wild sorrel. She gasped as her hoof slipped on the wet boards. Xena staggered for a second and then caught herself, a cleft of one of her webbed hooves clasped firmly on the thick vine rope that surrounded the bridge.

“You ok there Xena?” chuckled old hippo in a bright gold darkpodian mask. He was heavily built hippo, with skin of a deep blooded chestnut, and a muscular face marked with swirling black lines. His skin rippled with black sparkles, the leftover magic from his teleportation.

¨Leo!¨ yelled Xena, as she leaped to her feet, only to slip and fall back down again. ¨will you please stop doing that, and use the bridge like a normal hippo!” she said as she picked herself up and shook off the water from her skin. “But teleportation is so much… easier.” He said, his rough voice lightly touched with Humor.

“So... Did you do your homework?” Asked Leo, As the pair of them walked across the bridge, towards the medical hut. Xena sighed. “yes master Leo, but I only managed to move the stick a few centimeters, and it could have just been the wind.” “No matter” Leo responded, although his voice sounded exasperated at his students lack of skill. “We will just have work harder at unlocking your inner power.”. Xenas stomach fell “but I have no gift” she whined “I swear there is not a drop of magical blood in me! I am a pure blooded Pygmy!”. Leo rolled his eyes. “so you just happened to be in the right place at the right time when that branch got snagged on the air, AND have been born with yellow skin. As a pygmy. With Raspberry skinned parents. For Hytrix sake you're an idiot. The odds of that are like 100 to 1!” a look of shame flooded over Leo's face as the reality of what he had said sunk in. “I'm sorry Xena, but the king says I have to train you”

Fury sparked throughout Xena’s body as she growled “i don’t care what the king says” “Xena!” Leo excaimed, offended. Xena’s voice began to rain into a rumbling roar “Even if i had these “powerful magics” i would already know! So this gruntslant training is useless” Xena looked down at her hooves, her voice faltering “just get on with the training, master”.


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6 Reviews


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Thu Jun 29, 2017 12:04 am
SteppenwolfDeSade wrote a review...



Hello, interesting concept for a story, here are my critiques:

1) Why is there a random use of italics near the beginning, and why is some dialogue in italics and some not?

2) Be sure to not use language that is obstructive to the reader such as jargon like "Hytrix" or "Darkpodian", or unnecessarily complex language like "auriferous" that will only slow the reader down and confuse the as the surrounding language is simple.

3) Perhaps work on making the dialogue more lifelike, it may help the reader identify with the characters.

4) Rather than putting certain words in capitals like "AND" use your language and tone to create the emphasis.

5) At a certain point near the end the dialogue became muddled and confusing to follow, if clarified will flow much better.

6) Due to this being a fantasy story, concentrate on not assuming knowledge on the part of the reader, make sure the terms you use and the references you make are clear and easy to follow. If not, fantasies can quickly become convoluted in their own plot and hence rapidly unenjoyable.

Alright, I hope that helps and good luck with your story.

-SteppenwolfDeSade




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Wed Jun 28, 2017 11:46 pm
Hijinks says...



Very good!
Near the beginning you say 'Xena lay by her window, watching droplets of water slide delicately across the moss covered branches. The droplets fell gracefully down towards the forest's understory far below her tree house.'
I don't think that water droplets slide on branches; however, maybe you could say that she 'watched the droplets fall gracefully down toward the forest floor'. Understory works great, but for me 'forest floor' really sets the setting. Also, how is a hippo in a treehouse? Maybe I missed something here, as I haven't read chapter one.
'... she was rather large for a pygmy, standing at four feet, her russet skin was tinged with honey as if auriferous, her eyes were a pair of sparkling sapphires'. I found this sentence a bit hard to read. You could try, 'she was rather large for a pygmy, standing at four feet, and her russet skin was tinged with honey as if auriferous. Her eyes were a pair of sparkling blue sapphires'. But still, I like how you really depicted her.
'Xena groaned why can't the king make the rain stop ...' this is just articulation: 'Xena groaned. Why can't the king make the rain stop ...'
Just a general tip ... don't forget capitalization at the beginning of sentences, and at the beginning of what people say. The rest I have to say is articulation, really:
An example, being, 'Fury sparked throughout Xena's body as she growled. "I don't car what the king says!"
"Xena!" Leo exclaimed, offended.
Xena's voice began to rain into a rumbling roar. "Even if I had these 'powerful magics' I would alreadly know! So this gruntslant training is useless." Xena looked down at here hooves, her voice faltering. "Just get on with the training, master."
Do you see some of the commas, periods, and capitalization I added?
Really good, though, overall! Keep writing!




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Wed Jun 28, 2017 11:36 pm
Featherstone wrote a review...



Hello, Falx here to review!

So firstly, I must say, this is a very interesting story idea. I've seen dragons, cats, dogs, bears, and birds all anthropomorphized but I must say, hippos are a first.

There were a few pieces of criticism I had.

Firstly, when someone starts talking, it's always indented with each new line (not sentence, of course, just line).

Secondly, though the description was good, I felt as though there was more telling instead of showing. Try speaking to Xena's feelings/emotions more; that will help a lot.

Lastly, I felt that it got rather repetitive saying the word 'hippo' so often. Try finding synonyms, such as creature or beast, or using pronouns more.

See you around,

Fea




Corvus says...


thank you for the review! you made some really good points!
Anthropomorphised hippos were thought of by my five-year-old self and drawn in some crappy homemade comic books.



Featherstone says...


XD Nice!




more fish is always superior to less fish
— Shady