Young Writers Society

Beautiful poem, love the concept.

Hello, honeymoon!

I don't think I've ever seen anyone write free-verse like this in the way that the words fade. The way that it does that is kind of pleasing, but I almost feel like it should fade the other way... because she's pushed into the water which means everything would be getting darker as she falls to the bottom. I'm also not fond of not capitalizing anything or not using punctuation--but you did use it towards the end. And I suppose that could be so that we see the letters easily, but I don't think it's necessary. I'd personally stick with the way you originally had no punctuation.

I slowly felt my heart aching for betrayal and I tried

goodbye.

while I was blue.

Wow! Really cool.

You can almost see it, the way you describe it - dancing in the mist, twirling about, your partner complimenting you on your eyes ... then he (or she) pushes you away, you stumble to the edge of a plank, below you a wild river. You try to understand, while the other person laughs at you before prancing away. You stumble into the river. Your clothing weighs you down, and you sink to the murky bottom. You say goodbye, thinking maybe the person will come back. He/she doesn't.

Of course, this is just how I see it. But still, it makes me feel, and that's how poems are supposed to work. I love the text you used, adds to the feeling. I seriously can't think of one bad thing to say!

Hey how's it going let's jump right into this excessively bad review.

This is amazing. Finally someone who uses form to convey meaning and add to the content. But I don't wanna rant about free-verse, so I'll just say this: the way you used the text's color is really great. I haven't seen that done before and it really impressed me. Usually we just take things like font size or color for granted, so when someone takes something so simple and uses it in such a great way, I will always like the outcome. REALLY amazing job.

I saw the other reviewer's comment on your punctuation. It feels like you wanted to make it easier to read, so you added it when the words started to get paler. So, maybe you should keep it the way it is. It kind of makes the ends of the spectrum contrast a bit more in appearance as well, so I think it's a good thing.

About the content, I like how you use words like "whirlpool" and "sprinkle". Maybe you could have used more water-related words but also that could be overdoing it, so maybe this is good too. This relates to what the other reviewer said. If you overdo the imagery of "blue", the poem becomes a parody of itself, so I disagree with what they said. Furthermore, the "blue" refers to water, so having more words related to the color blue would take away from the poem's meaning and imagery. I like the title, by the way.

"aching for betrayal" this means that the speaker's heart wants betrayal. If they were betrayed and in pain because of it, it should be "aching from betrayal".

I like how every line contributes some new information. So, on the meaning I can't really comment much since I really liked every part of it. What I also like about it is that, even though it's vague (we don't know the exact situation), it's perfectly understandable and the reader doesn't need to know who the speaker is talking to or what happened. It just conveys how the speaker feels. Without ranting about ambiguous poems, I'l just say that you have something that has an obvious meaning, so really great job on that too.

Anyway, really enjoyed this poem. Have a great day.

Hi,
Nice poem. It is not rusty. It is good. Nice choice of words. Feeling is great. The starting is better. I felt it in my core. The first line said itself, "You twirl me into a whirlpool of chaotic fairy tails", It is nice when you start your poem from a good place. Otherwise, it is hard to lift any poetry. You started from a high point and left your poem to the utmost level.

As reading the last fainted part of the poem, good work, good imagination. Hunky-dory creativity. Everything is perfect and in its place. Good work. Keep it up.

This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

So I have to say that the aesthetic of this poem is nice. That's the main aspect here that I enjoyed since I've seen poems similar to this before where the color pallete changes throughout. I didn't notice before this that the first couple of lines are navy and not black, and I wanted to mention that it's a little hard to notice the difference. That might be due to the hindrances of my own eyesight though since I have a harder time telling the difference between darker colors.

The ending is pale enough that I have to squint and I'm unsure if that's your intention. While I can see the last line fine, I did have to take a closer look at that and if you decided to make that a little more visible, I'm sure the reader wouldn't mind too much. Delving further into the actual content of the poem, in the first line I think you meant 'fairy tales' instead of tails, which in retrospect are what come on most cats and dogs. Just a small grammar error there.

The key word choice here is something that you should focus more on. Use words that have a connotation that's relating to blue more often or words that usually relate is what I'm saying in simpler terms. What confused me in this poem is what all three variations of the title are the word 'blue' yet that isn't the main focus here. The main focus is instead on water and drowning and walking the plank and the ocean. These are all associated more with water than they are with the color blue, and while they may represent the color they didn't do enough for me to feel that color through this poem.

I want to feel the essence of the color blue here. That's what the poem should be attempting to achieve, and to an extent, it does that. I'm a little confused also as to who this other person in the poem 'you' is, and some clarification on that would be lovely. I'm not sure if it might have been a past significant other, a family member, a friend, or someone else, because there's not a lot of context here as to who this is. Keep it vague if you'd like, though be aware of the pros and cons of leaving that detail out of the poem. It makes the reader less connected to the speaker and more likely to self-insert into the speaker with their own past experiences.

Work on the consistency of the punctuation since for the first eight lines into the poem we don't have any, and it's a lot more apparent in the second half. Spice it up a bit and let it flow more naturally with commas, semicolons, and periods, though use them appropriately. Not the best poem I've seen on the subject matter and it's certainly not anything that's completely new, though it's put together well enough and the atmosphere is nice here. Also attempt to experiment around with word choice since that'll strengthen this with the usage of more imagery along the way.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

This review courtesy of

This is really good ^^