Young Writers Society

Hai Audi,
Ok, first of I'm actually gawking right now, like seriously. This poem was like 5 starts NO JOKE!!! I like it because the style is so unique that this doesn't sound like a poem, it sounds like those little books I used to read as a toddler. Like I am really starstruck and mind blown. Like can we all have a moment to appreciate this piece of work. Ok, OK. *calms down* Lets start with the downers. First off I absolutely agree with Rosey about the plot being funky. Another thing is I couldn't quite understand your technique. I mean I get all he motion and flow throughout the poem but the plot it was completely out of sight. The thing that completes your poem is the emotion. I feel so much right now. I feel like you have so much capability to be a poet unless you are one already. Anyways you are amazing and really deserve a trophy. This poem completely just made my day so Great Job!!! KEEP WRITING!!!!
Nidkits

Hello. Here as requested.

I feel like I'm going to be the only person who doesn't like this.

No matter how much I read this I can't grab anything that resonates with me. Consider this my disclaimer for a grain of salt— I recognize not all poems are for me, and this poem could very well not be for me.

But you asked for my thoughts, so here they are.

I feel there is a lack of focus to this piece driven by a lack of clarity. Everything feels smothered in pretty words, in multi-layered images that are supposed to tie in together but I can't quite get past how there is a reference to Stonewall that's never followed up on, how there's a wife but a man and why does the concept of fighting for love show up mixed in with imagery of the fair folk?

There is a general sense of too much, the imagery something that has no meaning without the humanity to it. I like poems with people, with defined characters— even if that character is only the narrator. And maybe that's what I feel like I'm missing with this. There is only the hint of a narrator here and there, not enough to get any immersion, not enough to get any sense of this is how the world is.

Another thing that throws me is how I cannot tie the title into it. I keep searching for clues but the lines between platonic and romantic are blurred beyond any recognition, and the lack of any distinctive characters except scraps of people who are spoken about instead of described and interacted with.

There's just this yanking feeling, wondering what all of this means, in a way that's so utterly forgettable I don't even remember what I'm puzzling over when I pause to take stock again. Nothing in here grips me. It's all just blank imagery meant to be pretty but without any sense I can gather.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!!

I decided I did want to end up coming back for a review because this is wonderful.

Let's jump right in by noting that the last stanza is a bit of an oddity with its distance from the others since it's one or two more spaces away. I can't tell if this is intentional or not--I don't see why it would be and while it isn't much of the problem, the inner perfectionist that lurks in me wanted to give it a mention. I do wish I could copy and paste this to be more precise though I understand that the Publishing Center would murder the formatting of this poem if you just decided to do that.

Anyways, I wanted to first touch on is the first two lines, which I felt because of the awkward wording didn't connect all that well. While I enjoy the imagery of the moldy lemons (watching lemons mold is actually kinda fun because they go from yellow to being a more emerald color and the look of the texture is super weird) I'd like those two lines to be reworked and reworded for a stronger effect. At the end of the third line, I'm not sure if a comma is needed since there's no need to take a breath there. At least there's not in the way that I've read it aloud.

I enjoy the second stanza too, and I think while in terms of the content and the tone, this connects perfectly. What doesn't connect for me is the flow, which instead is rather fragmented and broken up when it should feel more like a single flowing being. For the most part here it's the fourth line that trips up with the flow and then for the rest of the stanza it's just a little off-putting. The first two lines there are fine and continue with the same rhythm, though after that it changes.

I'm in the belief that this is partially because of the third line that uses 'hush-quiet' throwing off the rhythm. This is a word choice I'd change though it doesn't need to be because the problem mainly stems from 'is the same as' since it doesn't make sense in the context of it being after that third line.

Play around with the wording there. 'On the radio' in the second line is also something that might be a welcome change. Ending the fifth line with a period and chopping off the 'is' at the beginning of the next line is something that could be done for a stronger use of repetition. The general consensus that I've picked up so far is that while the content is great and lovely, the wording and flow is what's weighing this down, and it's true.

I'd like to know better who this 'you' is in the poem since it's not completely stated. I wanted to note that the single line between the second to last stanza and the last stanza should probably be capitalized and have the line end there. The ending line is something that hits hard and I love it. Generally, work on the wording since it's what's holding the rest of this poem down though other than that this is lovely.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Audy, ilu.

So, just a few thoughts:

One, I love the play on words with "queer" and "faries" and how it works a few different ways, but has this undertone of... it's almost forlorn? But there's a hint of bitterness I'm reading into it, too, that segues into violence and the morbid - yeah. Anyway. I love what you're doing with that tone-wise and how layered it is, both historically and politically and with the sense of otherness, and then within the scope of the poem itself, too.

Overall, though, I think you're a bit weighed down in words and images. It's not something specific, but rather an overall feeling - which, actually, if you're going for your narrator feeling overwhelmed, it works, because as a reader I definitely come away with a bit of that - breathless and almost on edge but also this melancholy, especially in your last stanza.

As usual, I love your words and trying to pick things to do more than squee at is difficult, darn you!

Oops! Turns out I'm bi.

I absolutely love this though <3

Hi! This is the first review I have ever made, but here goes nothing!

so, the only real thing I noticed is that the second sentence seems a bit hard to follow. this might just be my autistic brain getting confused (it does that :/) but I feel that it has too much punctuation that just feels, well, out of place.

this overall a good poem. I really like it, but I feal that it uses too many long words, and they seem to b r e a k the flow of the poem

FEAL FREE TO DISREGARD ANY OF THIS

Audy what are you doing to my feels.

I might be back later for a review because you're absolutely fabulous. Just wanted to drop by and note that I loved this, though.

Hello, Audy!

I really love the emotions, and creativity all put together in this poem to create something not only unique but also fun to read.

I am an evening listener, observing
how all songs by my radio sound the same--
he only snores when it gets hush-quiet
is the same as
the reverberating motor of our escape van,
is the same as a universe at night alone in crickets,
and also the force of the Chattahoochee's many rivulets
by which we gushed and I understood love
through the swellings of my own chest.

You are queer, right?
yet, isn't she your wife?

The new table is set with forks and spoons
and we are fed an angry kolrabi soup
with crumbling bee rice, and you
are frowning at your plate and I remember how
we were young and you spoke in radio songs

Hi,
Finally I got the piece which I loved reading. I loved the starting. I don't know why anyone didn't review it. I am the first reviewer. So title is A-okay. Starting, again, brilliant. What a brilliant concept. You started with a question. I liked it. It reminded me of william wordsworth poem. I got a nice feeling. Yipee..the words you chose were elegant. Good use of vocabulary. You kept the poem simple. Second stanza onwards, I read the classics. Magnificent balladry. No scope of flaws, if there are any flaws I am neglecting them. Because poem structure is good. Quite good jib. Well done.