Yo Bisc! Sorry for taking so long to get to this, but you know how life is. Anyway, it's time for a long overdue review!
“Yes, we’ve kissed,” I said, “That’s the whole bloody problem!”
This bit of dialogue seems a bit abrupt. Yes, you mentioned that Christina was quizzing Leo about Camillo, but an opening question might make a better segway. Overall, this just seems a bit clunky.
“Would you kiss someone who was rebounding so bad he literally ran away from you?”
This part just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. How did you go from rebounding to Camillo running away? I understand your thought process to some extent, but it still doesn't make a lot of sense.
“Ha-ha! Sure you’re not.” She rolled her eyes and bounced up onto the bed beside me.
I'm really not a fan of writing 'haha' inside the dialogue. Instead, say that she laughed in the tag or something. If she was literally saying haha, then it's different, and I understand completely, but if that is the case, you may want to make that clearer.
“Any works, I guess. Speaking of which, I think I should go now.”
What does 'any works' mean? Any what? I don't know what is being said here.
The door was heavy – or maybe I was just too nervous for my muscles to function properly – and the lobby had a marble floor that my trainers produced a horrible squeaking sound on every time I took a step.
This sentence was just awkward.
Stay focus, stay alert, stay calm.
I think you mean 'stay focused.'
I didn't really mind the ending. It was a pretty decent cliffhanger, to be honest. Much better than some of the deliberate cliffhangers I've read. Though the ending was good, there wasn't a lot of content, though I think you could add more at the beginning for some great character development and it would be much better, and stand as its own chapter very well. The biggest problem I noticed in this chapter was awkward sentences. They just didn't flow well, and there were a lot of sentences that were difficult to make sense of. All of the ones I couldn't figure out, I mentioned, but some of the clunky wording was left out. Overall, while there wasn't much content, the ending was superb. I really appreciate the well done cliffhanger.
You know where to find me if you want to talk!
~Storm
Points: 2200
Reviews: 235
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