z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Iris (chapter 1)

by phoephernelia


Phoenix sat there, just another person in the subway, going home after a hard day. She struggled to keep her eyelids open, she sure didn’t want to miss her stop at midnight. She looked around to the old sleeping man, who smelled of vomit, at the far left corner, then the trio of young men eagerly talking about something that sounded like drugs, and the old lady that strangely enough was always on the same train as Phoenix when she returned from work, staring at her with eerie black eyes. Phoenix pinched her arm to keep herself awake. "I ought to find a new job", she thought, "one that doesn't end at midnight."But if she was realistic, she knew that she couldn't quit her job. How will she survive? Phoenix swallowed hard.

She felt her eyelids heavy. She pinched herself again. She thought maybe chatting with someone on her phone would help her stay up. Cling. She jumped at the sound from her phone.It was Sam. She smiled and started to eagerly message him. "Next stop, Saratoga Avenue." She jumped at the sound of the announcers voice and frantically gathered her things before getting off. It wasn’t a long walk to her apartment, but she was out of breath from running through empty streets when she got to the building door. Phoenix rushed upstairs and locked her door in the blink of an eye. She lived in the most dangerous part of New York, as getting inside was her first priority. She mostly refrained from watching the news, just so she could keep herself from panicking. But now and then she would eavesdrop on a conversation about a murder, a robbery, a rape, just houses down from hers. She sighed profoundly, sinking behind her door, safe.

As soon as her heartbeat was back to normal, she dragged herself to the kitchen. She munched on some leftovers from the day before's takeaway dinner. She slid her clothes off and relaxed under the bath water she has prepared bathwater. She was finally able to think. Think about her work, about the place she lived, about her miserable life. Phoenix gazed at the full moon through the bathroom window, and for the first time ever she felt like it was staring back at her. She shuddered and hugged herself, but the chill down her spine remained. A harsh breeze burst through the window, jerking one of the curtains off the wall. It took a second for her brain to understand what was happening, and in that second she swore she could hear chuckling in the wind. In one movement, she fixed the curtains and closed the window." A storm?" She thought, "in October? That’s unusual..." After closing all the windows she threw herself on the bed, exhausted.

Phoenix sighed for what seemed like the millionth time that day. Her heart pounded quicker than usual, and the air felt heavy in her lungs. The heavy storm outside roared violently, the wind howling furiously. She closed her eyelids, slowly drifting away....

And she was transported.

The same burning house, the same lady, the same song, the same feeling of belonging. Everything was all good... till he appeared. The dark shadow, that’s what she names him. Like a blur, he ruined everything once again. Phoenix tried to help the lady, hoping that this time she might actually save her.... but she fell. And there was nothing she could do about it... and in the darkness that surrounded her, two eyes appeared...... but this time there was something different. But before shecould tie the loose endstogether she was conquered by the panic that came with not breathing.

Phoenix sprang up and breathed frantically, hugging her chest savoring every bit of air in her lungs as if it’s the last one she would breath. She looked out the window. The storm had stopped, but some gray clouds lingered in the sky. Suddenly, a clearing showed her full moon. Like a small ember the connection burst into flames in her brain. Those eyes.... the moon...

They were the same.

Phoenix blinked twice, but there was no mistake. The pupil of the eyes in her dream were the same as the moon. And now more than before she really felt like the moon was staring at her. Outside the closed windows she hear the chuckling again, somewhat muted, but louder than before, the same chuckle as the dark shadow."You're crazy, Phoenix. It's just a coincidence. There's school tomorrow, go to sleep!" And that’s just what she did.

"Phoenix!"

The sharp voice of Mr. Andrews and the school bellsnapped her back into reality."It is the 3rd time I've caught you daydreaming today, Phoenix!"

"I'm sorry Mr. Andrews. I was just thinking about today's homework." She gathered all her books and tried to spring out of the class. A flat lie, that might just have worked but...

"There was no homework today, Phoenix!"… Mr. Andrews exclaimed just as Phoenix was about to grab the doorknob. She rolled her eyes and walked up to Mr. Andrews, who sat against his desk. Mr. Andrews wasn't just another teacher. He was actually the closest thing to a father she ever had. He was also the reason she got to go to college; he had talked the principal into giving her a full scholarship. She owned him to much....

"Is there something troubling you, Phoenix?" He said, giving her that look. Ever since she was a child, she could never lie to that look. She liked her dry lips. "Where do I start?"

As well as she could, Phoenix tried explaining everything. She thought Mr. Andrews would think it was all a silly joke and ask for the real reason she was daydreaming. But to Phoenix's surprise, Mr. Andrews was sucked into every word she said, nodding here, grunting there. There was an awkward silence as soon as Phoenix was done. All she could hear was her heart pounding so hard, it could almost jump out of her throat. He sat there, pensive for a while.

"Phoenix," he finally murmured. "There's something I need to tell you. But I can't do it now. When does your shift end?"

"Today is my free day, Mr Andrews," she answered, a little confused.

"Very well then. I'm inviting you to dinner tonight, with my family."

Phoenix was a little thrown back by this, but she could never reject his invitation. They both agreed that he would pick her up at the closest train station to his house at five o'clock, and she was dismissed.

Phoenix wandered down the hallway, not caring much about the people around her throwing papers over her head, or the girls that whispered to each other as they stared at her. She just couldn't stop thinking about what would Mr. Andrews want to tell her that's so mysterious?


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126 Reviews


Points: 344
Reviews: 126

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Fri May 26, 2017 12:44 am
Aleta wrote a review...



Ayoooo Phoe! I'm here to just point out a few things and what I thought about them, so I'll just dive right in I suppose. Here's what I found:

1. When you are thinking in thoughts, there doesn't need to be any dialogue marks around it because the character is not physically speaking where people can hear it. Just use the italics only(you don't need them either though if you don't prefer them as long as you say "she thought" or "she mused to herself".)

2. The elipses. I found that there were too many of them and it kind of actually decreased the suspense then heightened the suspense and the dramaticness of it. I think you should try to stick to describing it more, like how her heart was thumping furiously against her ribcage or how her breathing became labored. Things like that. Still use them of course, but not so many of them.

Now onto little nitpicks:

1. ""Very well then. I'm inviting you to dinner tonight, with my family."
When you invite someone to go do something, you don't tell them you are inviting them you ask them if they want to come instead. I found it odd because you're basically implying come to dine with us or nothing at all. Also the comma is not needed.

2. "It is the 3rd time I've caught you daydreaming today, Phoenix!"
When someone is speaking don't let it become informal. Instead of writing 3 just say third instead, it clears things up.

Sorry if I was a bit harsh or anything. I also didn't do too many nitpicks because I don't want to tear down your work. I do like the theme of suspicion and mystery going on. Reminds me of Girl on The Train(I think that's what the movie is called).




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Thu May 25, 2017 8:59 pm
Catalyst wrote a review...



Catalyst here with a review!
Before I get into the meat of the story, here's some nitpicks;

"She felt her eyelids heavy."

I assume this is a typo-- The correct way in which to say it would "She felt her eyelids grow heavy".

"young men eagerly talking about something that sounded like drugs,"

Nothing wrong here grammatically, but it feels like a bit of a weak bit of description, and it's phrased oddly. There's two ways I can see of fixing it-- Either let the reader fill in the blanks and replace the line with something like;

"A group of young men-- Really no more than boys-- Lingered in the corner, murmuring confidentially, glancing over their shoulders now and then".

Or;

"She heard snatches of conversation from the young men-- About nothing legal, that was certain."

"She lived in the most dangerous part of New York, as getting inside was her first priority"

Little oddly phrased again-- I assume it's a typo. Here's the corrected sentence; "As she lived in the most dangerous part of New York, getting inside was her first priority."

Last nitpick;
" A storm?" She thought, "in October? That’s unusual..."

Is it?

Okay, now that I'm done with the nitpicks;
I really enjoyed this piece! It's a pretty great first chapter, and does everything a first chapter should do; Establishes the protagonist, gets some intrigue going, and promises to deliver more.
However, I didn't really feel I got much of an impression of Pheonix from this chapter-- She has some kind of mystery about her, and a brooding past, that's for certain. The shadow from her past has me intrigued, to be sure but-- I don't really get a sense of Pheonix herself. She's a daydreamer, she's maybe cautious and paranoid-- That's about it. Hopefully you can flesh her out more within the next few chapters.

I like the plot, and it travelled at a good pace throughout. I feel it could have done with a little more subtlety here and there, especially in her flashback, but beyond that-- Great work!

Tag me for the next chapter, I'm looking forward to what comes next!






i actually googled when was the driest month in New York. Thank you so much! (How do I tag?)



Catalyst says...


@Pheophernelia



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Thu May 25, 2017 3:58 pm
tammy777 wrote a review...



This is a lovely story full of drama and mystery. I loved the confusing character of Phoenix she really made it. It was hard to be normal with no-care attitude specially if you live in a society where being normal is all you need and you gotta be. She owes a world of her dreams and loves daydreaming. She has a great character.

I want to know what Mr.Andrew told her rather than thinking about it. It is a great masterpiece and I personally loved it. Moreover I also loved the characters of Mr.Andrew who was a sort of godfather of Phoenix. It is nice to have a godfather who play the role of parents.

"Is there something troubling you, Phoenix?" He said, giving her that look. Ever since she was a child, she could never lie to that look. She liked her dry lips. "Where do I start? I loved this statement since it shows a bond between Mr.Andrew and Phoenix.

So for me it is a great imagination but it can become better of you write more rather than leaving us to think. I know most of us may love and leave it upon us to think. But I don't like surprises.

Thank you. :)






I'll tell the surprise in the next chapter %uD83D%uDC95



tammy777 says...


Waiting eagerly :)




Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.
— Albus Dumbledore