Young Writers Society

Hi, MJenks.
First of all, I'm really sorry you have so many bad things to remember. I'm also sorry you had to lose your father and your grandfather. Having lost my mother myself when I was much too young, I know how it feels. It was actually the anniversary of her death two days ago and I spent the entire day curled up in bed with the headache from hell. The pain never goes away.
I think it's especially hard for people like us, who didn't have a 'normal' childhood because, on top of missing a parent, we have lots of unresolved issues with them. I know I'm sad that my mother isn't there anymore but I'm also angry with her for putting up with my father and the way he treated us, I'm ashamed of her weakness and I'm terrified I'm going to become one of my parents when I grow older and have my own children (which I'm not sure I will let happen).
It seems that you ended up in a decent foster family so that's at least one thing to be glad for.
I was a little confused at times. I understand that the way you chose to tell your story, like showing us snapshot after snapshot of you growing up, makes it hard to do much explaining but it felt like there were holes in the story.
I don't understand why your grandparents blamed their cancers on you. Were they really superstitious or was that the cancer and old age talking? How can abuse have a starting point? Is that simply the first time you remember your parents being violent? And what happened to your sister?
Anyway, good luck, MJenks.

Hi, J here for a review.
I am so sorry that you had to go through this. I cannot even begin to image what it must have been like for you. I am gonna say somethings that would make this better but please don't think I am saying anything bad about you or your situation.
First of all, your structure could use some work, its just telling me thing after thing. You could start with one thing then tell of the events leading up to it. Also "I Remember" gets repetitive after a while and is a very flat way to begin a paragraph.
That being said you did a good job keeping the flow going considering the type of story that it is. Your ending was the strongest part you showed the way losing your dad killed you but at the same time you had a deep hatred for him.
Over all this story was good, I could feel your emotions yet you didn't make me get to attached to the story.
If you ever need to talk just PM me, I'm almost always online and avalible to chat about anything. Again sorry about your family life it sounds rough. Just keep going and have faith.

Good Job and Keep Writing!!

Hi there, welcome to the site! Sorry if that sounded too enthusiastic for the subject matter. Before I start, I want you to know that even though I'm going to critique this, I understand that this is a horrible situation and I can tell you feel very emotional about it. Please keep in mind that I am not critiquing your reaction to the situation. Alternatively you were already prepared to do that and I've just been incredibly condescending. Aaaanyway...

The first thing that occurs to me is that the structure of this is a little meh. It's very linear, just telling me a thing after a thing after a thing. It's written well, so it doesn't feel too much like an infodump, but it actually kind of is, and would be more engaging if there was even one event happening now that I could anchor all these thoughts to. For example, you could start with crying on your Foster Mum's shoulder, and then tell me about all the things that led up to it. Maybe even a conversation with your Foster Mum? Then it would actually feel like a plot that we could get on board with and you could have different memories pop up at the moments they were relevant. Also "I remember" is a bit flat and gets repetitive after a while.

That being said, this does flow well for what it is. Your ending is especially good at showing the complexity of emotions you feel. You're angry at your dad, but it still crushes you that he's gone. I think it would make sense if this was the sentiment you ended on, that being the most emotionally potent feeling you show. Of course you wish none of this had happened; it's less obvious and therefore more shocking and more haunting that you have that internal conflict about your dad.

Once you're within the memories you convey impressions of the characters (well, real people, but you know what I mean), really well. Only thing here is that it was confusing that it went from your dad being shocked that your mum hit you to your dad hitting you. I know this is also confusing for young-you, but you have to make that explicit so that it doesn't feel like I'm missing something.

I think that's everything. PM me if you need to chat about this. We also have an unofficial yws discord server which has a serious discussion corner that is really good for getting advice as well.

Biscuits

Legacy here. I usually don't leave just a comment but I will do so. That sounds so sucky for a lack of a better word. If you need someone to talk to, I am always here.