Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Satire

E - Everyone

Dumb

by Thisislegacy


I hear you farther

in the corner, you snicker

bout how dumb i is. 

A/N I wrote this quickly and it is supposed to be funny. It is a haiku, so it was difficult for me to put everything I wanted into only so many words. Tell me how to make it better, although I doubt I will change it. It was just a quick write to get me some inspiration or something. I don't even know.  

Edit: I changed "over there" to "farther" and "snickering" to "snicker" for syllable purposes. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
20 Reviews


Points: 2392
Reviews: 20

Donate
Wed May 24, 2017 1:47 am
Veni wrote a review...



Hey there,
Just popping in to lend my humble opinions. I am no haiku expert but I will give it a shot anyway.

When writing a haiku, because of the brevity of that particular style, it is not necessary for one line to read directly on from the one before. Similarly, with any poem feel free to shake your poetic license in the face of the Grammar police. Hence I am not going to criticise you on any s mistakes.

Rather I will compliment you on using incorrect verb conjugations to add humour and give the reader a sense of irony (ok probably not actually irony, but still). "Bout how dumb I is" - this one line manages to build an entire voice for your narrator in my head. Sometimes a few words can paint a thousand pictures. This is kind of the point in poetry.

As others have pointed out the word farther does sound a bit clunky, but ultimately it is only a small personal issue.

Overall well done. I look forward for reading more of your work.

See ya round,
Veni




Thisislegacy says...


Thanks for the review. If you have the time, you can read some of my other words. One of them is still towards the bottom of the green room if you are willing to look.



User avatar
154 Reviews


Points: 3919
Reviews: 154

Donate
Sun May 21, 2017 2:28 am
Sassafras wrote a review...



Hello, Thisislegacy! Name's Reise and I'm here to review your goodies ^^

Now, first of all, I may have a bias towards haiku's but I loved this. There is something about the simplicity and, at the same time, complexity of haiku's that does something sweet to my brain. I don't know, but yours today is no exception.

Upon first reading, the opening line confused me. Reading your edit, I see what the intended visual was supposed to be, but I don't think "fafrther" is the right synonym for "over there" in this situation. It is difficult to imagine how one could hear someone farther in the corner... Maybe it's just me, but it's hard to comprehend. And hard to explain so, moving on ^^

The closet replacement I can offer for this is "yonder" so... *shrugs*

I personally love the ending line. It's both funny and somber. Overall, I just loved this poem. Keep writing, sugar!

And, if you're wanting to enter some sort of author's note - especially on short pieces - it might be better to simply add it as a comment instead of including it in the post ^^

-Reise




User avatar
60 Reviews


Points: 896
Reviews: 60

Donate
Fri May 19, 2017 5:50 pm
DragonNoir wrote a review...



Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!

Before I do say what I have to say, I appreciate that writing a haiku is hard and it's quite a challenge to write it properly. By properly, I mean sticking to how a haiku is supposed to be set out. You did put the poem in three lines, however a haiku is supposed to have 17 syllables, while you have 19. I'm not patronising you for it, but I'm just putting it out there. I'm no better at poetry, especially haikus, but I need to point out mistakes if you want to improve.
On a more positive note, I like how you wrote that last line, because it relates to the subject of the poem.

Overall, a good poem, but you could try making sure you count your syllables.
I hope my review helped! :)




Thisislegacy says...


I thought I had my syllables right. I counted by line 5 then 7 then 5. I might have miscounted the Over and snickering. I'll fix it.



User avatar
54 Reviews


Points: 666
Reviews: 54

Donate
Fri May 19, 2017 4:19 pm
Midnightmoon says...



Haiku's are hard! I've written some before. I don't know much about Haiku's, so I really don't have anything to help. It's pretty good for a first try though! :)




Thisislegacy says...


Yeah this is a first try for a haiku for me xD.




Life's short; smile while you still have teeth.
— Tuesday