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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

Journey to oasis "the fate of the world lies in the hands of a little s***"

by tyler57

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Days of old

“You! No not you oaf. You! Yes, you are not from here are you? No how you could be the only people that remain are the old or the sick, you are neither. What brings you here? Oh that matters not. You here at any rate. Perhaps I could… amuse you with a tell. I assure you it may benefit you more then you relies. Ah, yes here take seat. Do you know the name of this place? This city? I did not think so. Not many know, it is nothing to be ashamed of, I know many who are older then I who do not remember. Well long ago its name was hope, it use to fly. Yes yes laugh but I assure it did, I seen it. hell I was on it… ooo almost gave a spoiler. Ha *cough* ha ha. How about we get to the story, yes? Well the city was beautiful beyond comparison. The sun itself did not shine as bright. And life there was pleasant. People lived in luxury and peace, but alas all good things must come to an end. This story although came to an unfortunate and suddenly horrid end…”

There was a very old village, the oldest out of them all, many lived here. In this village there were 2 brothers who were closer than any. They looked out for one another took care of each other. One day while they were walking to the river I believe, they came across a man on a log next to the path. He wore a black cloak that covered all but his bony hands. He was muttering under his breath but the brothers could not hear what he was saying. Taylon the eldest brother told his younger brother Cain to wait there. And taylon walked over to the man and bent down asking if he was alright.

A strange noise began to abrupt from the man low at first then it grew louder then stopped. The brothers stumbled back a bit unsure of what they were witnessing. Then two blue figures leaped from the dense woods and attacked the older brother slashing his legs then restraining him. Cain frozen with fear. The creatures on taylon were at least ten feet tall long narrow arms with clawed fingers the legs came to points digging into his brothers legs.

They had no eyes but a mouth that stretched across it long face and 2 slits to smell. The boy closed his eyes hoping… praying it was a dream. He felt a chill run down his spine and opened his eyes to the old man standing but a few inches from him his orange glowing eyes staring into his.

The man’s hand reached into his cloak and revealed a dark stone blade, rough and chiseled but looked fairly sharp. He held it out to the boy nodding for him to take it. A voice spoke to Cain in his head told, him everything would be fine as long as he took the stone. Hesitantly Cain reached shakenly took the stone. The moments his fingers wrapped around the cold evil stone the fate of mankind was decided.

Cain’s head dropped and he fell to the ground and went limp. The man fell to his knees next the boy and produced some herbs and placed them under the Cain’s nose. Taylon who stopped struggling watched in horror as his brothers body began to shake violently black veins shot up and down the visible parts of his body all ending circling his tightly shut eyes. Then it stopped.

The man helped Cain to his feet and steadied him. Once he regained his balance he slowing made his way to his brother. The creature pulled there sharp legs out of his brother which caused a blood curdling scream to abrupt. The younger brother knelt beside him and placed a hand on his chest. Taylon struggling not to scream again looked up to his younger brother and stared paralyzed. His brother staring back at him with glowing orange eyes circled with deep dark veins. He raised the blade and brought it down on his brother’s skull without as much as a hesitation.

He withdrew the cold blade from taylons head and stared down at the lifeless body. He raised his other hand and motioned for the old man to come. He shuffled over to the boy and began to open his mouth before he could get a word out he hit the ground dead before he landed. Cain looked down at his bloodied clawed hand grasping the man’s heart. He tossed it aside and walked toward his brother’s body he grabbed taylons arm and started dragging him back towards their village the creature following not far behind.

As he reached the village he caught glimpse of his parents and others dancing at a large fire in the center of town. It was getting dark the fire licked the sky bringing flickers of light to the village. He walked towards them stopping quite a few feet away from them and dropped his brother’s arm and raised his hands to his mouth and unleashed a low unholy howl.

Every one stopped and turned to the boy confused. He picked his brother back up and brought his head to his level. He stared into the eyes of every villager there. Then tore his brother’s head from his body his spine following out the bloody hole, staring into the flames he smiled. Horrific screams filed the air as the black veined creatures poured in through the gate attacking anything with a heartbeat. Cain stood staring into his brothers eyes a bloody smile stained on his face.

Catching up

And that my friend is how you start a story! Ha ha alright well let’s get back to it ah? Well in the years that pasted the world grew both in physically and mentally are advances were amazing! But alas we were destined for failure. Man fought constantly some for what they thought was a noble cause but most for greed. Man could never have enough. Well one day long ago the fight took a new turn I believe it was in the 1900s.yes very long ago.

There was a fight between two nations. One was called the U-United… well the united something I believe. The other was a small nation again names slip my old mind. Well at any rate the united place devolved a weapon, a very powerful weapon that ultimately lead us here. They called it the atom bomb.

They first uses were on that small nation small settlements called Hiroshima and Nagasaki many died and it poisoned the land even to this day we now call those areas dead zones yes? Well they would be the first one. Well humanity went downhill from there on out the “powers” of the world fought until but 1 stood they called them Sverkhderzhava, bit of a mouthful huh. Ha ha well it means “the superpowerd” people called them the supreme long ago if that’s easier to remember. Well they survived in a flying city ruled from here.*padding his metal seat*

Well humanity somewhat survived. Some came together groups to survive. Others traveled in droves to the big cities were safe havens were created those of the lesser morality made gangs killed, raided and the other unpleasant but there was an unknown enemy that been gaining strength over all those years and they were ready to bring itself back to light and that is where the legend of a man named john saints.

All legends start somewhere

“John get your lazy ass up now”! John groaned as he dragged himself to the edged of his bunk and kicked his feet off the bed and let them dangle then heaved himself up to a sitting possession john rubbed his viscously attempting to get them to stay open. He began to pick himself up when a pair of old shoes hit him in the forehead. The shoes fell to the floor and john looked up, rubbing his head to see the corporate. It was his sister, Arora. Red faced and steaming. She had very good arm. He glared back at her and just sat there. She was 19 2 years older than himself but still treated him like he was 5.

“Were late again” she hissed at him then stormed off back down the hall they were usually late since both of them worked well into the night.

She had always blamed it on him though for not setting the alarm. He had just became old enough to start working and joined the scavenging crew along with his best friend Claire. His sister on the other hand worked in the hospital she was part of the med crew whose job was to make sure the people who came back from outside the wall injured were tended to immediately. He had been working for about 4 months now and loved being out exploring.

His sister being paranoid 24-7 always urged him to get off the scavenge force and go help her in the hospital or farm. They were one of the few who still owned a farm the rest had been sold to their clans leaders but both him and Arora both agreed they’d never sell, though the reps have tried to convince them they declined every time.

This was their parent’s farm and was one of the few thing that they had left of their parents. They had passed away 4 years prior do to a virus that took out half their numbers. The orphanage tried to take john but Arora wouldn’t let them anywhere near him. She knew even then what they did to kids there. They turned them into too cold merciless killers and turned them over to the clan’s armies in return they got a hefty check.

He had gotten ready and began to walk out the door when Arora called to him

“you got your bag right” without a word he spun on his heel and marched back into his room to retrieve his bag then hollered “Claire’s crashing here tonight her parents are out on a resource run to bush”.

Bush was one of the many clans they were in alliance with they had its where they gather there gas and oil. Each member of the alliance has essential resources they trade to the other clans. Johns just so happen to be weapons, more specifically ranged weapons. Helios is more of the black smith.

“Alright but you’d guys better not cause issues with ramie again, I had to pay her 20 gages to fix her door “aura hollered back.

“We’d never” john replied maliciously

“I mean it john” I’m tired of you causing so many problems your 17 years old, grow up!

John grunted and left.

He headed towards the gate and caught site Simon his squad’s leader he quickly jumped out of site towards a building close to the road.

“How’s your morning john?” The crusty old voice rang down the alley. John head dropped and he dragged himself out of the alley. “There a reason why you’re not out with your squad?” Simon continued not looking up from his papers. “I…” began john when both Simon and he looked toward the gate to see Claire jogging and yelling. She finally reached them a bit out of breathe and puffed out a few words. “Sorry sir *gasp* I asked john *gasp* to get my stuff *gasp* I forgot it*gasp*”

John looked over at her have thrilled half this true Private Simon glanced back he also seemed concerned. Y-yes sir john replied still a bit shocked. Alright well see to it miss grey doesn’t keel over then head back out. “Oh and john” Simon hollered still walking. “2 hours more for trying to bullshit a superior”.

John sighed then walked over to Claire she had sat down and was holding her head. Hey you’re not gonna die on me are you? She giggled “yah I don’t think you’re that lucky”. John grabbed her hands and heaved her up. “If only” john smiled. Claire wrapped her arms around him and kissed him then they set off for the runes.

All good things must come to an end

John and Claire had made it to the end of the forest and to the edge of the city. Hey you want to go up Edna again Claire asked grabbing johns hands. John glanced up at the giant broken building. He was terrified of heights but Claire loved them. They reached the doors and began to climb through when john felt something. John turned abruptly before crawling through the door. His eyes scanning the surrounding. Claire’s head poked out of the hole.

“Everything ok”? She asked with a hint of worry she too was now looking around. N-no I just got small chills he replied still looking out towards the remains of a street with hundreds of cars vegetation taking them over. He glanced back quickly to Claire and gave her a reassuring smile they continued through the hole and up the flight of stairs.

They reached the top after a hard climb (some of the stairs gave way and they had climb the old elevator shaft.) john pulled himself up and laid flat on his back breathing hard.

“You goanna be alright there sugar?” he glanced up to see Claire standing above him, with her hands on her hips and a sly smile. “No…” john grabbed his chest and groaned.

“I’m dying” Claire rolled her eyes and crossed her arms prepared to watch the show.

He threw himself limp and stuck out his tongue.

“You dork” she giggled

“Maybe, maybe… but I’m your dork…”

John and Claire lay up on the broken ledge staring up at the sky. The day was coming to an end the stars started peeking through the darkening sky.

“John.” Claire said without turning her head

John rolled his head over to see her “Claire” he said in a mocking tone he could see her eyes then continued

“What if we just ran away?” john stopped breathing for a moment then propped himself up to a semi sitting position. “What” he said thinking he’d heard wrong?

What if we just ran away, what if we just left? She was now also sitting staring right into johns eyes.

We could do what the others start our own life. Maybe even joined one of the villages, we’ll say our village was destroyed, I know quite a bit of their language it could work!

Claire… I… what do you even mean run away.

Claire sighed then looked at him her big blue eyes becoming red and puffy.

My… pare…. At that moment a large boom sounded in the distance john and Claire shot up and stared at the giant mushroom cloud forming over their home…

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121 Reviews

Points: 184
Reviews: 121

Sun May 21, 2017 5:14 am
Aleta wrote a review...

The first paragraph made me a bit confused. At first I thought it was dialogue and maybe you had forgotten to add in the quotation marks, to which I then realized it was the speaker talking to us. It seemed very jumpy and more of a ramble than clear talk. It was confusing and I think things should be clearer. I'd also focus on cleaning up the grammar a bit. If the speaker was talking directly to us there would be dialogue marks so I think you should add those so no one gets confused on that like I did.

"Yes it was beautiful but alas it was in the hands of the wrong people you see… maybe I should start from the beginning might bring a better perspective on the subject. Well, long ago when mankind was gentle, peaceful and loving. No sickness or death existed it was a great time everyone lived gracefully. But all good thing must come to an end and this just so happened to come to a very horrid end…"

This part seems quite rushed. I'd suggest changing it up a bit. I didn't want to point out every single flaw so I just decided to refine it instead:

"Yes, yes it was beautiful...but alas, it was in the hands of the wrong people. Maybe I should start from the beginning, it may shed more light on this subject. Well, long ago when mankind was gentle, peaceful and loving, no sickness or death existed. It was a utopia. But all good things must come to an end, and this just so happened to come to a very horrid end..."

"He was muttering under his breath but the brothers could not hear what he was saying. Taylon the eldest brother told his younger brother Cain to wait there. And taylon walked over to the man and bent down asking if he was alright."

Critiques: Make sure to capitalize the names. Also add commas where they are needed, which I will show in a minute here... He was muttering under his breath but the brothers could not overhear what he was saying. Taylon, the eldest brother, told his younger brother Cain to wait there. Then Taylon walked over to the man and and bent down, asking if he was alright and if he needed any assistance.

[Also, you can expand by giving things more detail. Taylon did not walk, but he strode, or he jogged over worriedly, or walked over with an uneven pace. He did not bend down, but crouched down. Things like that.]

I think if grammar was implemented more into your story it would make it so much better. Like this: "John sighed then walked over to Claire she had sat down and was holding her head. Hey you’re not gonna die on me are you? She giggled “yah I don’t think you’re that lucky”. John grabbed her hands and heaved her up. “If only” john smiled. Claire wrapped her arms around him and kissed him then they set off for the runes."

There's a lot of mistakes in here. There's run on sentences, and the dialogue is a bit messed up. Here's what it looks like the correct way: John sighed, then walked over to Claire. She had sat down and was holding her head. "Hey, you're not gonna die on me, are you?" he questioned playfully. Giggling, she had said, "yeah, I don't think you're that lucky". John grabbed her by the waist and heaved her up with a broad grin. "If only," he joked. Claire wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. Then they set off for the runes.

[Be more descriptive! What was their kiss like? Take us into the scene? Was it passionate? Describe how it was passionate then? Describe the sun's glow on her hair and how pretty she is. Things like that.]

Sorry, this review is a bit rushed. Anyways, good luck with your story! :) Cheers.

tyler57 says...

thank you so much that was very enlightening i'm going to re work the story and id love to get your opinion on it when I've finished this is a lot of help again thank you

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1401 Reviews

Points: 97621
Reviews: 1401

Fri May 19, 2017 6:09 pm
BlueAfrica wrote a review...

I think the way you started this out was really interesting, with the narrator, clearly part of the world of the story, talking directly to the reader and bringing them into the story as well.

You! No not you oaf. You! Yes you are not from here are you? No how you could be the only people that remain are the old or the sick, you are neither. The city, it is old very old, holds many secrets and stories. I’m terribly sorry if I’m keeping you we do not get many visitors.

It reminded me of The Reluctant Fundamentalist. I also liked the fact that, even though this is sort of a post-apocalyptic kind of setting, you've got normal character interactions like this.

“you got your bag right” without a word he spun on his heel and marched back into his room to retrieve his bag then hollered “Claire’s crashing here tonight her parents are out on a resource run to bush”.

In other news, you've got a lot a lot a lot of grammar/mechanics issues with this. I hate focusing on that in reviews, because I always assume First Draft, in which case most of the sentences are going to change anyway, so why bother editing grammatical errors now? But! I do like to at least mention it if it's a pervasive issue. Which it definitely is here. Like that last quote I pulled should look more like this.

“You got your bag, right?”

Without a word, he spun on his heel and marched back into his room to retrieve his bag, then hollered, “Claire’s crashing here tonight. Her parents are out on a resource run to Bush."

So just be aware of that going forward. You don't have to worry about it this minute, but if you have a friend who's good with grammar, you might want to enlist their help at some point for editing purposes.

The other big thing I noticed was the drastically different voice between the first part and the second part - the part where we're introduced to the narrator, and the part where we meet John and read about him. The first part is sort of an older style, the style of a storyteller, while the second part reads like a much more modern style. Which - I mean, one thing you can do with a prologue is exactly that, where the style is different from the rest of the story. But I found it jarring in this case because the narrator in the first part seems like they're about to tell us the story of John, so it was weird when the story of John starts but it doesn't sound at all like our narrator anymore.

Write on!


tyler57 says...

thank you so much you so nice
i struggle with grammar so i do usually have a buddy of mine look over for me which i will be doing so thank very much for you suggestions i'll try to do better in the future.

The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest