Young Writers Society

Hey there ThatIndividualThere, welcome back to YWS and congrats on posting your first work. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

I started this review a couple days back and this has been pretty far picked over but there's still a couple of things I'd like to talk about, starting with flow. The lack of punctuation, stanzas and signals, sort of kills my mind and makes it really hard for me to get through it. I get that your line lengths were probably satisfying some part of your poetic style but it takes awhile to get through it and ends with a choppy result. This could be fixed a bit by adding in some periods and commas here and there. I'd go with periods after the end of each second line of rhymes.

On stanzas. The implementation of stanzas would greatly benefit your work in separating out the different thoughts a bit. The whole thing rushes by way too quickly for the deep thoughts you're trying to dredge up out of the reader's mind. For the form that you've already developed here (plus my recommendation of periods), I'd start a new stanza after each suggested period. This gives you four lines per stanza for nearly every set, a standard amount that looks pretty chill and easy on the reader's eyes.

On the actual content. As mentioned before, you're trying for a deep and emotional subject but the words don't really convey your final goal. The lack of imagery makes it kind of hard to imagine things and the very few bits of figurative language, don't do the poem much justice. If you're trying to show like this darker image of your mind, so really descriptive comparisons would do you some good. Just thought that I would throw that side of the opinion in there.

That's all I've really got left. If you have any questions about the review, feel free to drop me a line.
Have a nice day.
~Lady Lizz

Nice.

Hello, ThatIndividualThere! VegasLights here to give you a review!

Your poem is different, I like different. Different is good, because you aren't like the others you are unique which is exactly what your poem is. I do have a few things I would like to say about your poem. Which is really only two things, just to let you know.

Punctuation. I feel as if your poem would be a lot better if you had punctuation such as commas and periods. The flow would have been a lot better if you would have used punctuation. I know there isn't really grammar rules when it comes to poetry, but it really does depend on the poem. And your poem, is the type that needs at least some punctuation.

Grammar\Spelling. I really saw no grammar and spelling mistakes, your poem is flawless in this category. It just needs that punctuation, I know I already said this.

Stanzas. I really would have included stanzas for your type of poem but technically it doesn't need it. If I were you, which I am not, I would separate every four lines into a stanza. That is really all I have to say for this category.

Last but not least, flow. The flow of your poem was pretty good but I could see it being a little better. If you just had the things that I said I think your poem would be a-okay. But your flow is fine right now, so technically you don't really need to do all that, the one thing that I really do recommend is making the poem have stanzas.

I want you to keep in mind that this is all personal preference and everyone has different opinions, so please do not let mine impact you negatively. I am just a harsh reviewer, but I really do love your poem! Sadly, this is the end of the review. I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!

~Keep Writing!~

xo. VegasLights
(Previously Steam1244)

Quite amusing, if I may say so. The piece was written in an interesting fashion, reading almost like a song. It reminds me of something that I would have done while bored as well. I really appreciate the irony hidden within it. Generally I dislike when poems are not separated into separate stanzas, but it works very well with yours, if I will say so myself. I feel, however, that, towards the bottom, you could have combined several lines, because it does read somewhat awkwardly. Also, and while this is not really a rule, from an aesthetic perspective, poems look quite a lot nicer with commas following each line.

This was a pleasant change from most poetry that I have read recently - lighthearted, fun, sarcastic, and lively. It is nice to see things that are not so serious. Those are often-times some of the best works on this site.

Keep writing, Friend.

- Holden Caulfield