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Bite Me

by klennon14


Dark cars

stolen kisses

running around

behind the rents

I feel small,

a little kid

the world

so wide and tall.

Possibilities

that are endless.

Limits that

can’t be reached.

I want you

Only you

Your crooked

smile

Your lip

curling up

in the corner

tugging

at my heart.

I’ve never wanted

anything, as much

as I want you.

Words don’t begin

to do us justice,

but lips can suffice

if just for tonight.

Kiss me

like you mean it.

Bite me

like you want to

do bad things.

I’ve always liked

trouble.

And that’s your

middle name.

It’s written everywhere

in heavy black marker,

but I smudge away

the warning bells,

silencing their call.

I don’t care

what it takes,

I will be yours,


and you will be mine.


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Points: 200
Reviews: 2

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Fri Apr 21, 2017 8:04 pm
BlindingSun wrote a review...



Very deep and sensational piece of writing, @klennon14. I usually don't admit this, but I really enjoy reading this kind of theme of dark love and deep messages under that. Your poem contains that, and I really feel it. Like your poem, my writing sometimes has this kind of romance and dark...meaning in it.
I have one minor concern. I'm not sure if "Bite Me" is a good title for this piece. Maybe you could change it to something general that prevails throughout the whole thing. Other than that, I loved everything! Keep up the great work!




klennon14 says...


Thanks a lot for the review! :)



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671 Reviews


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Fri Apr 21, 2017 9:16 am
Lumi wrote a review...



Yo, klennon!

While this piece certainly captures the attention and draws in the reader for the full content, I believe the major flaw is the lack of dimensions and nuance presented. You venture a bit out of carnal desire and into the realm of craving trouble (because hey, who doesn't love a little risk?) However, as far as takeaway material goes, this leaves me lacking, just understanding that the narrator wanted to make out--badly.

I did appreciate the concept of silencing the warning bells, i.e. saying to the narrator's self that 'no matter what I need this guy/gal right now.' But that begs a question: why were there warning bells in the first place? Is that a second dimension I'm smelling? It's close. If this were explored a bit more, or perhaps given a bit of forward context, this statement could be very powerful and turn the tide of the entire poem--because it was strong enough already for me to pick up on on first read, so if you just juice it up a bit, who's to say you won't have a masterpiece?

But I do want to know: are there tones of abuse? Self-hatred or neglect? Explore these things in your head during revision and see if anything comes of it. Experimentation is always worth the while.

Hope this helps,
Ty




klennon14 says...


Thank you so much for your advice! I suppose I was trying to be elusive. I didn't want the reader to be let in too much, much like how the narrator in this poem doesn't want to let anyone in. She's built up walls and is afraid to let someone love her, but she's trying. I definitely need to emphasize this more and explore, as you said, a second dimension.




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