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The Earthquake

by Pernicus

My hand is the seismograph to my heart

My pen the needle, my poems the chart.

You are the earthquake that rumbles and shakes,

and then the tsunami that sweeps in and takes.

You’re my unnatural disaster, my pleasure and pain,

my deepest regret, my pride, loss and gain.

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581 Reviews

Points: 3630
Reviews: 581

Sun Apr 30, 2017 2:59 am
fortis wrote a review...


Ok, so I got to the fourth line and then I went, "what? why is this so awkward right here?" I hadn't even realized you were rhyming until then. But I know it's an awkward rhyme because it drew me out of the poem. You don't need to rhyme in poetry. Most of the time it actually takes away from the poem. Your first two lines? Not awkward at all! That is an example of a good rhyme. But "sweeps in and takes" is very awkward and forced. If you weren't rhyming, I'd expect you would have said something along the lines of "destroys" instead "takes."

Don't get me wrong "takes" can be a good word for what a tsunami does, but only when it's surrounded by striking imagery like an image of the ocean just consuming a seaside village or something. "Takes" by itself just isn't strong enough.

I like the idea of an "unnatural disaster" but every word after that fells really forced and abstract. I say, stop trying to rhyme, and work with this cool seismograph/heart/earthquake image you have going here! It's too cool a concept to strangle with forced rhymes!

That said, I do love the simplicity of this. But the last line and a half is just cliche. You can do better!

I hope this helped! Keep writing!

Pernicus says...

Thank you :D
I agree, writing those last two lines felt so forced. But I was tired of writing and I guess I just sold myself short of a full effort.

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44 Reviews

Points: 1454
Reviews: 44

Fri Apr 21, 2017 1:55 pm
CharlotteS wrote a review...

OMG! Thank you. Finally a poem that rhymes. I love poems that rhyme. I don't enjoy poems that don't. Your poem not openly rhymed, it also had strong language. I really enjoyed this and I think you have a talent. I saw your comment below saying that you don't plan poems. The unplanned stuff are the best. They hold the most meaning and most emotion. I really enjoyed this. Well done. :)

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7 Reviews

Points: 276
Reviews: 7

Wed Apr 05, 2017 5:36 pm
Nerrvany says...

I really love this poem, though the first and fifth verses feel like they throw off the cadence. I think the first line is missing a beat and the fifth line has an extra one. Your rhymes and rhythm are beautiful and I loved reading this poem.

Pernicus says...

Why thank you. I'm terrible at planning poems which is what lead to those problems.

Democracy! Bah! When I hear that word I reach for my feather Boa!
— Allen Ginsburg