This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!
I both could and couldn't believe that this is still sitting in the Green Room. Though, I'm here to fix that problem! Let's jump right into the content of the piece.
If love wasn't a social construct,
I would carve Romeo and Juliet quotes
into my arms with a butter knife
and live in a tree fort
in North Dakota.
I'm a fan, like Hannah, of your opening and first stanza of the poem. The flow here is quite natural from line to line. There's nothing that can't be understood here, (though it is a little questionable why the speaker wants to live in a tree fort in North Dakota) and you do a good job of stating what the speaker wants to do and would do. While it seems a little random like some of your poetry usually does, the reader can tell that it isn't random due to your preciseness.
.
Society couldn't corrupt it
(the screams about the death of capitalism),
so thus will speak the Kama Sutra
of emotional preservation.
I'm not that big on this stanza. You lost me. I can understand how society ties in with this from you writing about how society is a social construct in the last stanza, but that's about it. The flow here also ends up worsening, with the second line onward being clunky. I'm going to suggest playing around with the wording in this stanza, and I do suggest that you end up rewording it because the flow in your poetry either decides to be a smooth criminal or clunky. In this case, it's the latter.
There are no planes to Dakota,
but with feet or not,
I'll crawl to and fro
ignoring the sand
that soak into my wounds.
The third stanza comes back with what the first stanza already had with Dakota, and it comes back strong. This is arguably my favorite stanza here, though I did find the usage of 'to and fro' to be a little debatable. You're talking about crawling somewhere, so where are you crawling to and fro? I understand that it means to and from, but it's a little bit awkward being in the piece. I believe you mean 'soaks' as Hannah pointed out in the last line here, but other than that, this is a solid stanza.
It is the east, and Dakota is the sun;
arise, fair maiden, and lovingly slay me.
I love the last couplet here, though we lose the aspect of the poem that revolved around social constructs and society by the end of the piece, so it's a little odd, and I wonder as to why you decided to add those parts in there. It's not that I don't enjoy them, because I do, it's just that I would like to see a little more of it in the later stanzas (though I'm not sure exactly where you would fit them in). Overall, solid piece with some great lines like in the introductory stanza that could use some revision.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask. I hope I helped and have a great day!
Points: 220
Reviews: 1081
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