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serendipity

by Jyva


It’s twelve-thirty in the morning and there’s a guy sitting at his desk

Trying to think up a story that’ll end in five hundred or less

But there’s just one problem

He can’t think at all

Cause his brain’s a giant mess.

-

He’s reaching in and peering through the windows

James? Evelyn? Josephine? Thomas?

Where did you go? I’m still here, you know

But I can’t hear your voices and I can’t see your faces

The dreams he had, the people he’d made

Gone far, far away.

-

They’ve been neglected too long

They’ve been forgotten too long

And now he’s got nothing left

Except the hole in his chest

Where his heart used to be.

-

The love, the hate

The empty pages branded on his face

He stares at them and they stare back

Saying “You’re hopeless and you’re cracked,”

“You left the only thing you had,”

“And only now, when you need us, do you finally feel bad.”

-

He says, “I’m sorry, believe me, I am,”

“I’m sorry I let this this happen.”

“But all I need is you back, and,”

“I’ll try the best I can.”

-

From dead pages, time rewinds.

First James, soft and kind,

Evelyn, lost in her mind,

Josephine, ever relentless

Thomas, who couldn’t have less.

-

They see the empty, lonely kid

The hollow eyes, the messed-up bed

They whisper from inside of his head

“Wake up and hear us again.”

“There’s a story that needs telling,

“And only you can hold the pen.”

-

To these characters, children, ghosts of my mind

I’m sorry, truly, that I left you behind.

Please show yourselves, let me see

You as you were,

In that first moment

Of serendipity.


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1313 Reviews


Points: 23286
Reviews: 1313

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Fri Apr 21, 2017 8:59 am
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Hannah wrote a review...



Jyva, hi! Nice to meet you! Thought I'd swing by and leave a quick review on this poem, and say sorry you haven't had another before now!

So, to be honest, I kind of like more serious, image-heavy poetry, so I was about to click out of this tab until the last stanza -- those last four lines -- caught my heart and pulled me back in. You were right to choose that word as your title for the poem, because it encompasses the true, deep emotion that comes exploding out right at the end.

So what is less awesome for me is certain moments in previous lines. The really really really really really hard thing about writing rhyming poetry -- and trust me, I know! I have tried! -- is to find lines where the rhymes do not seem forced. And unfortunately, several lines in this poem feel forced for me.

For example:

Josephine, ever relentless

Thomas, who couldn’t have less.


I know what it's like to think "hey, this word rhymes and it works well enough, so let's just go with this", but unfortunately it's clear to the reader. I don't think that's the way you'd naturally describe Thomas -- you'd say instead that he's a beggar, super poor, or some other description of his character (I don't know about him, so I can't say for sure). That's why it feels forced when you have to twist your words to say that he "couldn't have less".

That said, the rhythm and the presence of rhyme is pleasant in this poem, so this isn't a "stop writing rhyming poetry" kind of review. It just needs more work, patience, and attention, I think! If you still have the energy to pursue it.

Anyways, thanks for sharing and bringing up memories of characters I once loved who have never seen the light again. Emily Arbor, I'm thinking of you!

If you have any questions or comments about this review, feel free to PM me or reply here.

Hannah




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64 Reviews


Points: 1840
Reviews: 64

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Tue Mar 28, 2017 4:26 pm
KaiRyu wrote a review...



Hello there, KaiRyu here for a review! ((If I get some things wrong, I'm sorry... It's been a while since I last reviewed something so I'm a bit rusty. ^-^))

First things first, this poem would sound very good as a rap song. There, just had to say that. XD Okay, now on to the actual review! I really liked how this poem is sorta like an apology letter from an author to their characters for everything they made their creations go through. Many writers feel this way towards their characters, but most don't really try express that and instead say things like "this needed to happen so it's fine."

Another thing I liked about this poem is how the characters come back at the end and try to get the writer to finish their story. “There’s a story that needs telling, “And only you can hold the pen.” Really shows how much the characters want their story to get finished. Or, this line could be reversed. It could mean how much the characters want the writer to pick his own life back up and get everything back in gear. These multiple meanings in one line makes this poem much more interesting to try to figure out.

This poem really expressed how a writer might feel and honestly the line, "Cause his brain’s a giant mess." Really expresses how most writers feel. It shows just how much the narrator skips around from idea to idea, and honestly, that is sooo me.

Alright, now on to the the bad stuff. Poems are generally really hard to critique for the most part since they don't really have any rules about punctuation and that type of thing. So to avoid getting something wrong, I'm just going to say what I say flow-wise. ((I'm basing the flow off of raps since it has that feel, if it wasn't intended as a rap then just ignore this part of the critique because I couldn't find anything else wrong. :P ))

This poem had a good flow, but it could have a bit tweaking here and there. The line “But all I need is you back, and,” Messes up the flow a bit when you say it out loud. I believe this is so because it has too many words in it. I noticed that if you take out some of the words that are not needed and then say it again, it helps the flow a bit.

Another thing is, even though I liked the line "Cause his brain’s a giant mess.", it also sort of messes up the flow a bit. When you say that first stanza, I didn't have to pause, but when I got to the "giant mess." part I felt like I had to pause to make it seem right.

It has a pretty good flow, for the most part, and it makes sense, but not too much sense that the reader doesn't have to think about what the poem is saying. Keep on writing and good luck in the future! :D

- KaiRyu





“Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine. I couldn't get the boy to kill me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time.”
— Richard Siken