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Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Serah

by Sathalha


You’re so beautiful, you know? You look like a perfect statue entombed in that crystal prison. How I wish things hadn’t gone this way, if I just had been a better man this wouldn’t ever had happened to you. Those warm hazel eyes of yours are closed, almost like you’re sleeping, and there’s a peaceful smile on your face, as if you’re telling me that everything’s going to be all right.

I remember the first time I saw your face, not so long ago, when we ran into each other by the cabin in the woods, the one that I went to so that I could escape my royal duties. It was a wonderful day, with the sun smiling down through the bright green leaves and the sounds of the forest filling the world with life. You had lost your way while picking herbs alone, apparently a completely normal thing to for an herbalist to do, and found your way to my cabin extremely late in the evening. I had come down with a terrible fever, which you had offered to treat and so you stayed the night. We spent hours talking and laughing and the world outside became darker, but in that little house I felt like the sun shone anew. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you, and all that night did was increase my love tenfold. The list of everything I loved about you increased by so much over the years, I loved how your blazing red hair fell in your face as you laughed at my stupid jokes, I loved how you would always warmly smile at anyone you met, I loved how you always helped out others no matter what the situation, and how you always chided me for not taking my role as prince seriously, and I loved how you were there to support me when my father died and I became the new king. You brought wonderfully blinding light to my dark and lonely world, and that light still burns. I wish I could have spent so much more time with you, exploring anything and everything that my kingdom has to offer.

What I want to most of all is to hold you close to me. I can’t though, you’re beyond my reach, your love for me ripped out of this world without a second thought, and now a cocoon of pure white ice is wrapped around your body. This damp and hidden cave I’ve had to bury you in is far beneath your eternal beauty, but this is the only place where you can rest forever without disturbance. Should I just end it? Should I take my life right here next to you, so that we can both be together for eternity? I know exactly what you would say though, you’d call me a sad fool for wanting to spend the rest of time in this bleakness with you, and you’d order me to get up and be the king of my people. You would kiss me goodbye and tell me to go on my way, and you’d say that even if I never see you again, you’ll always be in my heart. Even if the world tries to make me wear a crown of scorn, you’ll always be there for me.

Is this it, the parting of our ways? Will all the years we spent together end up as a beautiful and bittersweet memory? Am I strong enough to leave you and become the ruler I should be, or will I just sit here until the world comes to an end?

I love you, Serah.

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User avatar
128 Reviews

Points: 6214
Reviews: 128

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Fri Mar 24, 2017 11:57 pm
BlueSunset wrote a review...



Hello there! I see you're a pretty new member here on YWS? Great to read other people's works! I'll be reviewing your short story today. :D

Things to Potentially Fix

I noticed that your second paragraph is the lengthiest paragraph in the whole story. It seemed bunched full of information of the backstory of when the two characters met. I would suggest splitting it up into multiple paragraphs. Just because it is all taking place in the same general moment, about the same general scene, it's fine to split it up into several sections. Don't have the temptation to shove it all in one bulky paragraph!
Along with that, I think you should move that (second) paragraph to the very beginning. Since it's kind of a flashback restating what happened in the past, I think it's reasonable to have it first thing in your story. Then you can have all of the other paragraphs below that, emphasizing what had happened.

Near the starting of your story, there were scattered pieces of information that really only belonged in one single paragraph, but was actually in several. Make sure the information harmonizes together with everything else; don't confuse the reader. The sentences were beautiful, but at the beginning the confusion struck me when everything seemed out of place. The writing was wonderful, but reread the first paragraph and switch up sentences, along with the beginning of the second paragraph.

Good Points

The ending. Loved it. Simple yet sweet. It wasn't too elaborate, meaning a reader can interpret what might happen in the future.
Not to mention, the metaphors! They were everywhere, scattered throughout the story like diamonds in dust, and they made this short sparkle more with them. My favorite, for example, was:

...and now a cocoon of pure white ice is wrapped around your body.

Wonderful. It gets the idea across rather than simply stating what is going on/went on. It carried through to the imagery, too, and made it more descriptive in image than before.

Thank you for sharing this story! It was quite lovely and I'd love to see more from you. :) Though this may have been a short and small review, I hoped it helped you a lot (or at least a little). Thanks again!

~Sunset <3




User avatar
14 Reviews

Points: 52
Reviews: 14

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Wed Mar 22, 2017 6:31 pm
Fabis101 wrote a review...



First off, this is a great story! You do a very good job of portraying the love our narrator had for his Serah. It was easy to get a feel of these characters and to understand that they truly loved eachother. However, I feel that the character of the king/prince is a little underdeveloped. He makes decisions quickly and changes his mind constantly. The death of the King seems like an important plot point, I could even see potential for giving an example of how much Serah helped the Prince/King. Our narrator, goes from meeting a girl, falling in love and then trying to kill himself after she dies. It seems a little sudden and quick. However, this could just be a character trait of the prince/king. I'm also wondering why he blames himself for her death in the first paragraph and then the readers never understand how she died. I'm not sure if the wondering is intentional or not, but explaining the death might add character depth.
These things aside, I really enjoyed this piece. The ending paragraph is wonderful, as it faces the tough questions we all wonder about death the end of love. The imagery is very rich and alive and it was easy to see how much they truly loved one another. I think you have a lot of potential and a great start! Keep writing and once again, great job.





the world (me) cries out for salvation (snacks)
— creaturefeature