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But Then You Came

by rosette

They met when she was six, and he was eight. Her family had moved next door to his and as their parents bonded, they did as well, quickly becoming close friends. The neighbors would often go on vacations together and if one family was traveling, but the other was not, they would always take either the girl or the boy with them, whoever's family it was not. She made him promise one camping trip, as they sat roasting marshmallows side by side, that he would only marry her and no one else in this world. It was a sacred covenant in the minds of the children. Then, not too long afterwards her parents obtained new jobs, moving them many states away from their friends. But she still thought often of him, and he of her.

When she was fifteen and he was seventeen, her family moved back to that small town of her childhood. A romance developed between the two teens and they dated all throughout high school. It was no surprise to anyone when, once they were both finished and graduated, they married. A "storybrook engagement - and wedding" people called it. Their marriage began well and soon children came.

Four years later she stood in the kitchen, two screaming children at her feet, dirty dishes piled high in the sink, laundry stacked atop the washer and tears streaming down her face. She was overflowing with depression - this was not how it was supposed to be, or even how she had imagined it to be. She took off her apron, dropped her children off at her parents house and left town that same day, abandoning her family. She called that night and asked how the children were, if they were doing alright. He told her, and she abruptly hung up. Every night for the rest of that week she called, but gradually that became every other night, every few nights and then, once a week. Her husband would beg and plead for her to come home. He told her the children missed her, he missed her, he loved her, whatever he'd done wrong, he would try to fix it. At the end of each exchange he would always ask and attempt to find out where she was. But every time the conversation would begin to drift in that direction she would hang up.

Finally, in desperation, he withdrew all their savings from the bank and hired a detective to help him find his wife. It was some weeks before the detective contacted him again. His wife was living in a run-down hotel two states away. The young husband borrowed what money he could from his in-laws and family, bought a plane ticket and flew out to see her. Once he arrived, a cab took him to the hotel and he walked up to the third floor where his wife's room was. He stood outside her door for a moment, very still and quiet. Then, with doubt in his eyes, fear in his heart and sweat on his face, he lifted a trembling hand and knocked. When she opened the door his prepared speech slipped from his mind and he simply said, "I love you. So much. Won't you please come home?" She began to weep, falling into his arms. They went home that night, together, and the marriage slowly began to heal.

It was about a month later, with their children tucked in bed, that the young couple sat before the fireplace. They talked about their problems and issues, how to fix them, how to do this and how to do that, steps to take to keep making things right. At last the husband struck up enough courage to ask the question that had been haunting him those past weeks. "Why wouldn't you come home when I asked you to?" he said. "All those nights on the phone, when I told you how much I loved you, how much the kids missed you - why didn't you come? Why wouldn't you come home?" His wife's answer was profoundly simple. "Because," she said. "Before, those were just words. But then, you came."

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Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Wed Mar 22, 2017 11:20 pm
tylerd1rden says...

Great story!!! hope theirs more

rosette says...

aww, thanks tyler! :)

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22 Reviews

Points: 346
Reviews: 22

Wed Mar 22, 2017 11:08 am
Ferruccio1234567 wrote a review...

Hi PKidChick! It's review time again so let's see what you have got!
The start is pretty confusing, but still okay - you may need to introduce these two people, but frankly this comment should be ignored because the burden of knowledge leaves a question mark at the end of the short sentence. Then you say that the girl wanted the boy to marry no one else, but that's described in such a way that a reader may think that it is kind of sexual abuse, forcing someone to marry her.
The second paragraph. Why would a romance develop between them? Remember you need rising action for the main reaction, and the marriage is only a half sentence - I expect you should use more imagery for this.
Four years later. This is quite confusing. You don't give any explanation to whether the male protagonist abused her, or anything of the like. Then the private detective comes. It's surprising, as you didn't even tell us his name... what is it? John Bond? Sheerluck Homes? WHAT????? And how did the detective find her?
The 'fear' is not that traditional.... the usual romantic cliche is 'nervousness'...
Ending is okay, it isn't too rushed, but it's less rushed than the story itself. This is something you need to improve on, then, but there's no cliffhanger... the doubt just builds.
Overall, good job, but sorry if it's too harsh :( I hope you gained something!

rosette says...

no, no, your review wasn't harsh at all. :) Thanks for your insight, ferru!

Hehehe, you called me 'ferru'....

rosette says...

XD your name was too long to type out!
by the way, (here's a heads-up) this story has nothing to do with sexual abuse, and I am very sorry if it came across that way...

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118 Reviews

Points: 10148
Reviews: 118

Tue Mar 21, 2017 1:14 am
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Stormcloud wrote a review...

Hey, pkidchick! Storm's here to do a review, so let's jump right into it.

I just want to say this to share good music, but your title reminds me of 'Til There was You from The Music Man.

They met when she was six, and he was eight. Her family had moved next door to his and as their parents bonded, they did as well, quickly becoming close friends.

You tell too much in these two sentences. Telling too much quickly becomes a theme in this piece. I'm not going to point it out in any particular spot anymore, but do know that you do it too much.

There aren't actually a lot of individual things that I want to point out here, which is strange because I usually have a lot of quotes. But there were a lot of things that were issues throughout the entire story.

1) You told too much. You rarely wrote things as they happened. You just glossed over them and wrote things like "they fell in love". Show them falling in love. Get into detail. I could not stress this enough. This is the main problem with this story. It's like a summary, not a story with all the things a story needs to be a story. (wow, I used the word story a lot)

2) I feel like the beginning wasn't necessary. You could have just focused on the subject of the last three paragraphs and given information as needed.

3) You need more substance. There isn't the emotion there. The readers want to form a connection with your characters and to do that, you have to spend more time with them. This is piggybacking off of my first point because this would be more moving and substantial if you would not summarize and tell so much.

Overall, this has a lot of potential to be great, but your execution left a lot to be desired. Work on not summarizing and deciding what is important to the story and what isn't. I would love to see a rewrite of this, so tag me if you ever decided to post one.

Feel free to ask any questions you may have in a reply to this comment or a pm. I love helping other writers out.


rosette says...

heya Storm, thanks for the review! I wasn't sure if I should say this but this is really not my story. (Not like I copied someone else's - I just heard it from well, someone). When I wrote it out, many of my thoughts were like yours: basically I'm just giving a summary of this couple's lives. I would love to make it longer, more of a story with emotion and tragedy and all but... I don't want to do it without these peoples permission. Do you see? Anyway, thanks for what you said - I appreciate it! ;) -TheKid

May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death.
— An Unknown Bride, Leap Year