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Who am I?

by Tylexie


Once, a girl
she wondered
“Who am I?”
So she asked
“What makes me, me?”

One man told her
her choices
made her who she was.
A woman told her
hard work
shaped her.
Her best friend told her
small acts of kindness
define her.
Her sister told her
willingness to love
created her.

Not one of them said
money
nor power
nor riches
nor fame
For money is worthless
power is weak
riches are small
and fame is without love

So the girl,
she passed on the message
she told everyone who could hear
“In life,
you don’t need money
for choices are your currency.
You don’t need power
for hard work is your influence.
Riches aren’t necessary
for kindness is your gold.
And fame, you do not need
for love is worth so much more.”


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77 Reviews


Points: 2539
Reviews: 77

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Wed Mar 22, 2017 8:11 pm
VegasLights wrote a review...



Hey,
Can I just say WOW. This is a poem that grabs your attention, it makes you understand. You point out how it is the actions that choose shapes us. Must I say, you have a future in writing. This will reach out to everyone and grab them at the heart. No matter who they are, this poem will definitely change someone for the better! There is a bit of repetition that could be worked on. I know one thing for sure is no matter what this poem is great!

Keep Writing,
Miranda

( I have really bad grammar, so you will have to excuse me)




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Points: 35
Reviews: 3

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Mon Mar 20, 2017 10:37 pm
yearsofpain wrote a review...



Hey,
First of all, wow. You're only 13 years old. You have such a gift for writing. The theme of this poem is really a timeless one but it has been very important lately, I must say. With all the media making girls think they have to be stick figures. It is very saddening and I'm glad you decided to touch on such a delicate subject. I like the flow of your poem. The message of it alone takes it to a whole another level. At first, the reader is intrigued. They want to learn what is going to happen to the girl. She may have become a sufficient person, yet all the great people around her made her become a smart person and it is a very strong ending. It gives a feeling of relief and joy, while it also saddens the reader, reminding them of the harsh reality. This is a very successful mixture of a social message and yet, a very personal one. I very much enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing. Best regards.




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10 Reviews


Points: 25
Reviews: 10

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Mon Mar 20, 2017 8:41 am
hexglass wrote a review...



Hey there, Tylexie!

This is a beautiful poem, and I really love the way you've constructed it. The message is such an important, timeless one, which makes the themes you've presented quite familiar, but you've woven it together with an admirable precision that I feel is one of the key strengths here in your writing.

To offer my own take on this, I suppose, I want to point out the punctuation; the rules and regulations of poetry give great freedom to its form, so before anything else I'd just like to say that if what I'm about to pick out is something you've done intentionally, feel free to disregard it! :^)

Once, a girl
she wondered
“Who am I?”
So she asked
“What makes me, me?”


In your first stanza, the first two lines work perfectly well in communicating their meaning, but there's a slight disconnect in terms of flow. 'Once, a girl' on its own is a phrase that suggests it will be elaborated upon, since only the time and subject is given and no action is taken; however, the second line seems to be the start of a new one. This gives the sense that the first line is unfinished upon the beginning of the second, but at the same time, I'm hesitant to suggest any specific change, because you have a great rhythm going!

Writing it as:

'Once, there was a girl
she wondered'

or

'Once, a girl
wondered'

just don't have the same three-syllable charm that your lines do. :^) However, I do think it's worth considering, because an interruption in the flow of a poem (unless it's intentional!) can be distracting for the reader as they stumble over punctuation or grammar, and may detract from the attention given to the profound message the poem is trying to express.

There's one more part I want to draw your attention to, in the last stanza:

So the girl,
she passed on the message
she told everyone who could hear


I can really feel the buildup of anticipation between the second and third lines, with the repetition of 'she' and elaboration of how she passed on the message. The comma after 'girl' gives the line a more conversational air so I imagine that might be what you're going for -- in which case yes, leave it be, it's wonderful. I'm only bringing this up because I feel it reflects, quite strongly, the comfortable rhythm and dialogic quality of this poem's voice.

Really, though, it comes down to personal taste and the sort of conversation you're aiming to stimulate! I hope I managed to touch on something of slight substance, but I'm afraid it's been mainly speculation. However, if there's anything that doesn't quite make sense, feel free to ask! All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed this poem. I'm looking forward to any writing you do in the future!

~hexglass




Tylexie says...


Thanks for your help. I'll be sure to think about those lines.



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8 Reviews


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Mon Mar 20, 2017 2:07 am
DamienCyfer wrote a review...



This is DamienCyfer here for a review!

Wow... this is actually really good! The poetry flows well, and the slight brakes in structure are hard to notice in the strength of the actual poem. This is a good example of poetry without a rhyming structure, and not having one, in my opinion, helps greatly to emphasize the meaning here. The message itself is wonderful, making a concise commentary on the thought that material riches are not that which has value, but it is one's choices, emotions, and beliefs that truly count to other people. it is important to remember that whilst the wider world gives value to one's status, influence and wealth, the people of the world truly look for decency in a person, and not their material possessions.

Overall, this was a marvelous piece, and I hope to see more like this.





I think that was when I began to realize that repuration isn't everything. I should focus less about how others perceive me and more about what makes me happy. Because, in the end, I have to live with myself.
— Seraphina