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the feeling of nothingness

by Gooseluck

Ice shavings rain down
                     on a piece of a forgotten mirror
the fog settles slowly; making a
                                      haze on the shattered pieces

with each breath icy needles flooded my lungs

at first a dull, aching throb

then after the initial bite,
                               the frost dissapates
leaving behind a wintery feel to the air

I bent to pick up the broken piece of mirror
staring into it, noticing nothing
                              but the cold in my eyes
and the reddened skin
                           (where once)
       beautiful and young peaches were foretold
now beams with the story of years spent in the moutains
                                                                              seemingly thousands
under the charge of not the sun,
                                               but the moon 

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61 Reviews

Points: 22
Reviews: 61

Mon Mar 20, 2017 8:55 pm
amelie wrote a review...

truthfully, I really don't mind this. this is probably my favorite of yours, above lyrics and chapters and all. (I have a lott of thoughts on this so uiflgAwckuxjhsfbe bearwithme and my scatter brain.)
reading below, I see Ats gave you the prompt "apathy" to follow? and I think through a few lenses I can see that, but I'm not fully getting apathy from this. though, that isn't of much importance, since it still has other qualities that I'm really grateful for.

moving on with the format; I've seen you use this back-and-forth white space quite a lot. and I really like it, like Ats said, the lack of punctuation isn't a downside. you executed that reeeeaaally well. I like the airiness the poem gets from the separateness, which I think plays a part in "apathy."

I'm not usually a fan of titles like these, kind of dramatic and wide-spread. but this is a good exception since nothingness and the feeling of such seems carelessly used, almost lacking in any type of concern for the feeling. and throughout the poem, it isn't like there's an attempt to mend the numbness/nothingness. because there isn't a large effort. and that fits. i like that.

Ice shavings rain down
on a piece of a forgotten mirror
the fog settles slowly; making a
haze on the shattered pieces

by ice shavings, I'm assuming that you either mean snow or icy rain. a subtle difference, but there's a fine line between the two. and with that said, I'm having trouble deciphering which you mean? so in this case, "shavings" is indirect as well aaas clunky. the following line suggests a "forgotten" mirror, which to me is a little weird since there was little follow-up on what you meant by forgotten, so I assume it's related to the words foreign or useless in this certain time frame.

then after the initial bite,
the frost dissapates
leaving behind a wintery feel to the air

I'm not a fan of the word initial in the first line.
the third line is indirect, since "wintery feel" is super broad and almost confusing considering wintry feel could be literally anything, and it's kind of a crummy image. it doesn't offer up much. although, I just love love love love love love love looooove the way it ends. without a period. I can't get over how much I loved that there's a large space after it, and it lingers. granted, it isn't exactly a lovely image to plateau at, but my GOD i love that.


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955 Reviews

Points: 3775
Reviews: 955

Mon Mar 20, 2017 2:23 am
Kays wrote a review...

Let's get started on this reviewing grind of a handful of poems that I promised to review, with you as the first!

I've already told you that I do think this fits the prompt of apathy, and it's in an interesting way. I found it interesting that you chose to include capitalization but not punctuation in the form of periods, not to say that it's a bad thing. It does feel a little odd without it because you do use white space in this poem, but I don't mind it. Moving on from that and delving further into the review, I enjoy this piece and it seems to take the best aspects of your writing and combines them.

The usage of white space is something that I enjoyed quite a bit in this piece as it does give off a strong affect and it's in the case where the positives of it outweigh the negatives. One thing that I did want to touch on about the structure is that at points it feels a little distant or all over the place. At points the lines are connected to each other, and at others they're not. Specifically I'm talking about the end, or the last three lines, that feel a little off or odd because the "seemingly thousands" that's crossed out is distant to the last two lines or doesn't connect with it. Not to say that it should be taken out, but perhaps reworked for better effect. Another small thing that I couldn't help not to pick out is that you have the small mistake of writing 'moutains' instead of 'mountains' in the fourth to last line.

The imagery in this piece is easily its strength and what sort of holds it together, though I am wanting for it to feel a little bit less technical? Words like 'dissipates' aren't in my tastes, at least in this case. I also noticed that you happen to use a lot of adjectives in this piece such as "forgotten", "shattered", and "aching". Not to say that this is a bad thing, but I would like to see some of the imagery in more active form and being described with other poetic devices, perhaps? The ending is something that didn't make a whole lot of sense to me and I think clarity is needed there a little bit, but other than that, it's a solid piece coming from you that gives off the tone of bitterness and the cold of ice.


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9 Reviews

Points: 51
Reviews: 9

Sun Mar 19, 2017 10:40 pm
Tylexie wrote a review...

This was a nice poem. I liked the imagery, very creative. I just think that with the line, "with each breath icy needles flooded my lungs," maybe "flooded" should be changed to "flood"? Because the extra syllable makes the rhythm feel off. Also, the rest of the poem seems to be in present tense, with just that one word past tense.

I also have to ask, what does the "seemingly thousands," crossed out, mean? It's a bit unclear.

It's a beautiful poem, much like the ones I often like to write, and I feel that it calls to me. Please keep writing!

Gooseluck says...

Seemingly thousands crossed out means years.

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55 Reviews

Points: 3562
Reviews: 55

Sun Mar 19, 2017 4:59 pm
Silberfee wrote a review...

Love the visual imagery and the blending of the words into one long sentence, but the use of white spacing slows down the passage.

Is the mirror meant to reflect the person and the environment ..with the use of ice paralleling the numbness felt by the speaker? But then the mirror breaks, so the person no longer feels numb and begins to respond to the environment and appreciate its beauty
Sorry I just want to know whether I interpreted it correctly.

the line were it says 'beautiful and young peaches were,' I'm a bit confused....what was the beautiful and young peaches foretold to do/what was meant to happen?

Gooseluck says...

The mirror was just a mirror, it wasn't a metaphor or a simile or anything.

The peaches was skin. Peach= skin.

Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.
— Chinese proverb