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i draw hands now, thought you would like that.

by Lumi



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Tue Mar 21, 2017 10:42 pm
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Snoink wrote a review...



So, this poem has been on my mind for the past couple of days, though I haven't commented on it. Honestly, it makes me kind of angry because I want the other person to LISTEN. But then, it doesn't look like it's going to work out? Which is sad.

Anyway!

So, when you write:

"and i write these letters to myself/ hey it's been a rough time, he left."

It almost sounds like the viewpoint of the second line I quoted has shifted, just because it's just been first and second person right now, and suddenly it seems to go omniscient in the narrator's perspective. Which is a bit weird, because it makes you wonder, "Who is he?" Because it seems weird to me because it seems that "he" is referring to the "you" in the poem in a detached way, but to someone else. Except, from the hints that you gave, this seems almost like a straight couple poem, since they're having the kids talk and it seems like they're talking genetics, plus the narrator seems male since he's taller, so perhaps the "he" is talking about the "i."

...does this make sense? It's really confusing and I am having a hard time trying to describe it!

The other thing... the second heartbeat? When I read that, for some reason I thought pregnancy. Which is weird, but hey! You did talk about kids earlier. But, maybe it's something?

Also, the smiley face kind of weirded me out at first and I was going to yell at you for it, but now that I am looking at it again, it almost looks like a text message? So, the "..." would be the lack of response, and then the smiley face is finally a response. But, I'm not sure who the text conversation is with, so I am confused.

Anyway! Those are some thoughts for you!




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Tue Mar 21, 2017 2:12 am
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Nightshade wrote a review...



Lumière,

Here I was thinking you've been sending me screenshots of text, but here it is and it looks the same. Is this some sort of new YWS formatting magic? Or are all the cool kids presenting their poems in image form now?

The smiley face made me uncomfortable at first. Who writes a smiley face like that in a letter? I didn't think it fit, and I thought things were jumping all over the place...I mean we have pencil on the door frame, then we have protractors, then we have blinking cursors, then we have smiley emoticons. One of these things doesn't fit, and it's the protractor. Protractor makes me think math, particularly geometry, and I get that it enables the following imagery, but math class isn't where I want to be in this poem.

Back to the smiley, it caught me off guard until I realized how many letters are written on a computer, far more than on paper. And then the blinking cursor, which originally felt out of place before suddenly felt much more in place.

This is a nostalgic poem. Our speaker is army crawling through dilated time with blown out shins. You are good at creating hellscapes out of mundane places. And in that nostalgic hellscape we have someone sitting down at a computer, staring at the blinking computer and sending themself messages. The ending could be hopeful, that they're thinking about making themself happy, and it's working : )

But it's absolutely crushing as well. There's only one person in on this conversation. And really, a lot of this poem is in the second person, but there's no one else there. We know nothing about the "you", to the point where they're really an empty shell that the speaker's feelings are projected onto. It makes the poem feel that much more alone, makes everything that much more empty, and I'm left feeling increasingly hopeless that the smiley face conveys anything positive.




Lumi says...


Shady, I could cry over how grateful I am for this. %u2665

I want to rework the protractor stanza because it's meant to connect to electroshock therapy and it's missing an element of clarity. The smiley face is possibly the most depressing thing I've ever written in poetry, and I was admittedly worried that the army-crawl would be too arresting for the audience; but it's Lumi enough apparently.

Thank you so much. Notes taken.



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Sat Mar 18, 2017 4:17 am
marms says...



hey lumi i can't read this xD can you put it in a Writerfeed Pad for me <3 pretty please c:




Lumi says...





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Sat Mar 18, 2017 12:36 am
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silverhanded wrote a review...



You have an undeniable gift for breaking me.

I adore your poetry. (Surprise!) I'm not sure how to get to the heart of this one so I'm going to just walk through my impressions and hope something there is of value to you.

First off, this read so intimately. I felt like I glanced through a window and became a part of a moment where I didn't necessarily belong, or like I was witness to a proposal or a fight in a public place: like the moment kind of belong to me in the sense that it becomes memory, but those people are also strangers to me and so the event witnessed isn't accessible in its full context. Glimpses, colors, lines, textures, intelligible words in radio fuzz--it's jarring, but in a good way. It worked for me.

It also felt a bit like a departure from past themes: this is new territory, or at least old themes in a way I haven't seen. Children age this in a way I like. I don't feel like I'm reading about my life (being young) so much as I feel like I'm looking forward. I'm not here yet; I'm not ready to talk about kids, it's not a discussion I feel prepared to have. Emotionally, I'm not ready. I feel still too young, too immature to have that kind of discussion, and I really haven't given it a lot of thought. It feel foreign, but in a way I like. It feels foreign in a familiar way, I guess. I'm not sure how to describe it. The style, the writing, the tone, the ideas--all familiar, comfortable, and personal, but without the added benefit of being a though process I've already had.

I'm not sure about the protractor stanza. It feels a little bit off to me; I like all the individual parts of it, especially the "path of least resistance" bit--that was gorgeous--but I'm not sure it all comes together cohesively. I'd revisit that part in particular, as it stood out to me as not to the same level as the rest of this piece.

"Hand on wall and scars on head" threw me a bit as well-- I assume it's the speaker in both descriptions, but there's a bit of ambiguity there. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but I like it.

This is essential. It remind me all over again why I love you and your poetry.


<3<3<3
--Ry




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Fri Mar 17, 2017 12:21 pm
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Kays wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

I forget if I reviewed your last poem or not, but I'm here to review this one. This one is different from the usual style that you write in, but I enjoy it to an extent. I say to an extent because it did still have an experimental feel to it and while it is a solid piece, I do have a couple of critiques to give out. I like the first stanza that you put out, though at points it does feel a little odd with its wording. The way that you write the execution is what I'm specifically pointing to.


The idea in itself isn't bad, but the lines two and three just feel a little off, in a way. "Grow to" isn't the strongest phrasing, and the third line is a little confusing as to what it's suggesting. I'm thinking that it may be speaking in regards to age, but I'm not quite sure. I like the fifth or last line in this stanza and how it's a bit of a play on words of the phrase "wait and watch". Regardless if that was intentional or not, I enjoyed that.

The start of the second stanza feels to be a little odd, and I suggest reworking it so it doesn't necessarily have to start with "or". The second stanza is something that's grown on me since the first edits that you showed me, because of its originality. It made a lot more sense once I realized that it said "protractor" and not "projector" because that's what I was reading it as for the majority of the edits, and that's a fault or accident on my part. Not much else to say about it, the stanza feels solid or whole, and I like that about it. I enjoy the repetition that it uses and how the structure is similar to the first stanza.

It's still the third stanza that I happen to think is the strongest one in the poem. I really love the line about the blinking cursor and I love how you take on a sort of robotic feel or tone in that you talk about kids growing up and the protractor and to me, it sort of feels like apathy in a way. I am wondering, though, what "this" is in the fifth line. Is it the tracing of the protractor around your body, or something else? I also wanted to comment on the comma after the last line in the stanza and I'm not sure if it was intentional or not--it's a minor thing, though, and I don't mind it.

I can say with a sure voice that I'm not a fan of the first line of the last stanza just because it sounds odd. I'm also not that big of a fan of the fact that the fourth and fifth line don't connect all that well. I enjoy the rest of the poem and how the ellipses cut in-between them as if the speaker is trailing off. And you already know that I think the smiley face is the icing on the cake for this piece. Overall, it's a solid piece and it brings some originality to the table, which I enjoy, and feels like it came from the heart.

Best,
Kayla.




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Thu Mar 16, 2017 10:02 pm
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ticktock123 wrote a review...



Hi Lumi
I'd first just like to say that I think your writing is amazing - and this poem has not failed to live up to this.

The structure is poignant, and I love the "will you at least / listen" - it works beautifully.
I like the symmetry of the verses in the middle - and the imagery in the 3rd verse: "knee-shattered, shin-blasted to an army crawl" is so effective. It makes me think of war - or explosions.

In the last 3 lines, I don't understand the "he left" part. But the ending 2 lines are perfect - and the ellipsis' are effective. I also liked the repetition of "you walk away" and the structure of those 3 lines deeply resonated with me - like the footsteps of someone walking away...

Sorry this review is a bit all over the place - but I loved this poem, and the bittersweet tone. (More bitter than sweet). Please keep on writing - I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.
Thank You
Tick Tock





The bigger the issue, the smaller you write. Remember that. You don’t write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid’s burnt socks lying on the road. You pick the smallest manageable part of the big thing, and you work off the resonance.
— Richard Price