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Nevada

by Willard


I'm afraid of a lot of things,
but not ovarian cancer
(100 percent immunity).

In a sense I'm perfect:

- Native American under
 affirmative action
- sometimes I wake up
  in the morning
- photographic memory

But the mental picture I have of their heart
has stopped beating,
heart failure at a young age,
and the smile of a 
once-colleague-now-good-friend
remains shining in the Nevada sun,
as if no one would ever knock out their teeth
and there would be no reason to cry,

just reason for us to talk
about how cool a sunset
would be right now.


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783 Reviews


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Tue Mar 21, 2017 2:42 am
Morrigan wrote a review...



Lol lemme tell you I've literally been working for 5 days

Dude I really dig your jams. I especially like (and I'm a total nerd for liking this) the meter of the Native American part. The stresses make a pleasing pattern. (NATive aMERican UNder afFIRmative ACtion). I wish that more of that meter was showcased throughout the poem. I think you've got a great handle on imagery and theme, but it's time to push yourself into unfamiliar lands. More meter!

Moving forward, I think that there's a lot of sun/sky imagery, and I wish there was more imagery specific to Nevada. I've never been to Nevada, and I want to get that flavor, since so much of this poem has to do with the setting, which seems to be the setting (or at least the mental setting). I'm not saying that you should take out the sun/sky mentions-- they provide a framework to the poem, starting with "waking up in the morning," and moving into midday, the "shining in the Nevada sun" and then the narrator thinking about their friend and the sunset. But give me some outdoorsy things other than the sky. And let the narrator's friend show through the imagery. It's about the friend, but I sense it's also about place.

While I think the joke in the beginning was interesting, and made me chuckle, to be honest, I don't think that it fits in very well with the rest of the poem. I think that it would serve the poem better if you started it with "in a sense I'm perfect."

But the mental picture I have of their heart
has stopped beating,
heart failure at a young age,

I feel what you're trying to say here, but the delivery seems clumsy to me. "mental picture" weakens what you're trying to say, as well as the repetition of heart. If I was the poet (which I'm not, so feel free to disregard, I suppose), I would ground this in a place. You just switched from waking up in the morning to photographic memory, and this puts me in a place where someone has a picture of their sweetheart on their bedside table. So I guess I would say something like
The framed picture of their heart
I keep at my bedside has faded,
stilled, failed at a young age.


and the smile of a

I get why you broke the line there, but I wish you hadn't. I really think doing something like this would work better here:
and the smile of a once-colleague-
now-good-friend remains
shining in the Nevada sun

I think that it creates a bit of visual suspense as well because the reader wants to know what the person is now that makes them not a colleague anymore.

"Cool" is certainly a choice that you've made there. I'm not sure that it's quite the right one. But then again, it makes the stanza slower, more grounded than the emotion of the previous stanza. I just feel like maybe the momentum was hindered too much.

Altogether, I really liked this. You're a goodo poet, Willard.
I hope that this review proves useful to you. If you have any questions, like always, ask me :) Happy poeting!




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Thu Mar 16, 2017 2:18 am
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Morrigan says...



Please reply to this so I can remember to come back and review after I get off of work :)




Willard says...


alrighty



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Tue Mar 14, 2017 11:41 pm
kman134 wrote a review...



Hi. This is kman134. i'm here to review your work.

this is pretty good. it's well-written and comical. however, this part seemed a little off with the poem:

"In a sense I'm perfect:

- Native American under
affirmative action.
- sometimes I wake up
in the morning.
- photographic memory."

this part didn't fit well with the poem. i can understand how this person is stating how he/she isn't afraid of anything, but the positive statements don't really fit in and it just makes them act like they're gloating and seemed egocentric. you should work on that.

Besides that section, the poem is really good and very insightful on courage and fear. anyways, it's pretty good and i hope you keep writing.




Willard says...


This seems like almost nearly exactly like the first review.



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Tue Mar 14, 2017 9:08 pm
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Kays wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here for a review!

I forget the name of the last piece that you put up and I reviewed, but I remember that one lacking direction. This, however, is exactly what I like to see when it comes to your poetry. One topic or subject that has seemed to become quite common is Nevada, which I certainly don't mind, but I'm now noticing how often it comes up in your poetry. It brings back the classic tone of what your poetry often has, and I love that about this poem. The first stanza kicks us off with saying that the speaker is immune to ovarian cancer, and I assume that this is so because they are male.

I like this sentiment that you leave, because it helps build up to the second stanza that lists off why the speaker is perfect. In a way I do have to say that I wish that there was more listed or more there, because the attributes that you do list aren't as impactful as they could be. For what it is, it's clever, but it doesn't leave me lingering over those lines. For the next stanza, we jump in to what I'm going to call the second half of the poem, because that's roughly what it is. In the first line, it's arguable if you should use 'But' because it doesn't really need to be there as it isn't following anything up.

The line works just as well without 'But' in my opinion, so I suggest considering the removal of it. Another word that I think could use removing, or more specifically, reworking, is 'their'. I don't mind this as much but it does feel a tiny bit awkward when you could just use 'he' or 'she' if it is either of those, but if it isn't, it's fine as it is. It's a small nitpick that I realize most others won't have, and it doesn't make a large difference whether you decide to change it or not. The wording in this second-to-last stanza is a little bit awkward and I suggest considering adding a period (even though you seem to want to avoid those in this piece, which I don't exactly mind) after the second line.

Most specifically, it's the third line and how it has trouble connecting to the second line as well as the ones that follow it up. I do have to say that I admire the lines about the smile and the wording that you used with them. At first, I certainly didn't understand how they were to be read, but I read it aloud and it came out more smoothly, which is a fault that would originally be on my part. I love the last five or so lines of the piece as they are the ones that hit with the lasting emotional impact. The poem works for what it is, and I enjoyed it quite a bit other than the flaws I've mentioned.

Best,
Kayla.




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Tue Mar 14, 2017 12:14 pm
RyleighInWonderland wrote a review...



I cannot say this enough, but even though I'm not super familiar with poetry, I can say I really enjoyed this poem and the overall layout was very aesthetically pleasing. There are of course a few downfalls though:

"In a sense I'm perfect:

- Native American under
affirmative action
- sometimes I wake up
in the morning
- photographic memory"

This section doesn't seem to go well with the rest. I get that the person is stating that they aren't afraid of certain things, but the part about them having certain skills that are positive doesn't make sense with the later part about losing someone.

Like I said, it might go perfectly, but as for someone who is unfamiliar, it doesn't seem to fit. Otherwise it was a great poem! Keep writing!





Follow your inner moonlight; don't hide the madness
— Allen Ginsburg