Young Writers Society

Hey, crobbins here for a review!

I'm glad to be reviewing some classic poetry again!

So, onto the nit-picks!

I did find the transition between paragraph three and four was a bit shaky. You go from speaking about light-hearted themes to dark themes. This is an abrupt transition to make, and is very hard to execute. Maybe try shifting into a time in between, talking about the events between as a transition?

I didn't find any spelling issues!

That's all I found for spelling and grammar/formatting issues!

So, I interpret this as the main character dying, and your friends' reactions, followed by the passing on of their legacy. I loved the plot as I interpreted it! (I may be completely off of what you are trying to depict, sorry!) I think that everyone has been touched by death, which makes this piece so relatable. Death may hurt us, but it allows us to come together under writing and poetry. I think this is a beautiful concept.

I loved the seamless formatting of this piece. Your ability to separate the ideas in different paragraphs while keeping the grammar and spelling impeccable astounds me. Great job!

So overall, good job with this! I loved it! I'd love to read more of your work!

-crobbins

Just dropping in to say that the concept for this poem is really cool! I loved how the last stanza came as such a shock- there was nothing to suggest that they would get married, but it ties in well and is just the twist you want to end on. Keep writing!

Hi! Pentavalence here with a review.

I enjoyed this poem, especially the first couple of stanzas. The tone's simple and sweet, and the rhymes all make sense (well, except for one. I'll get to that later.)

The last two stanzas were super confusing for me though. I'll just go through the lines that bugged me:

'that made your eight friends cry.' Eight friends? Why eight? It seems oddly specific when you could have just said 'friends'. Is there a reason?

'You carved their names on the school bench;' Why would this make them cry?

'You bid them farewell in a tux' A tux? Is this prom? Is the subject of the poem usually this dapper? For someone who was writing 'math sucks' a stanza ago, this is an abrupt change of character. Also, why are they leaving?

'in my priced possessions chest.' It should be 'prized' not 'priced'. Also, the subject switches here from 'you' to 'me', but it's just for one line and it doesn't make sense, even if they're married.

'Fearing you'll ruin something I chide
but you've etched our names
on the wooden crib of our child.'

Chide and child...I don't know, the rhyme doesn't work for me. There should also be a comma between ruin something and I chide (fearing you'll ruin something, I chide). I love the fact that the subject and speaker are married, and I know it's hard to fit a lot of information in a poem, but I feel like one more stanza between tenth grade and 12 years later would help the flow of the poem...maybe when they get married? Just an idea.

Anyway, that's about it. Keep writing!

-Penta

Hey alexblackwell! Dr Lavender here to do a quick review for you! Let's get into this!

It was first grade
and you did something
no one ever dared to;
You drew a house
on the surface of the desk
with a bird flying
in the sky that was blue.

In fourth grade
and you did something
that was forbidden.
You took the geometrical compass
and carved your name;
The letters were incorrigible
and wanted some space,
the 'L' was way too long,
but you were a hero,
you couldn't be wrong.

In seventh grade
you did something
every child does.
You took a permanent marker
and wrote 'math sucks'

In tenth grade
you did something
that made your eight friends cry.
You carved their names on the school bench;
You bid them farewell in a tux
your pocket square wiped the single tear
rolling down the cheek of your crush.

12 years from then
you are doing something yet again.
The pocket square lies safe
in my priced possessions chest.
Your handwriting is elegant now
and you have a carving tool.
Fearing you'll ruin something I chide
but you've etched our names
on the wooden crib of our child.

Hey alexblackwell!

I really like this poem and how you show the passage of time throughout. I think you're letting yourself be confined by the rhyme scheme a little. Remember, it's not as important as how your poem sounds and the emotion behind it. I also think that it's a little weird that you point out in the first two stanzas that the carving is forbidden, while at the end it's a happy, positive thing because it's on the crib of a child.

It was first grade
and you did something
no one ever dared to;
You drew a house
on the surface of the desk
with a bird flying
in the sky that was blue.

In fourth grade
and you did something
that was forbidden.
You took the geometrical compass
and carved your name;
The letters were incorrigible
and wanted some space,
the 'L' was way too long,
but you were a hero,
you couldn't be wrong.

In seventh grade
you did something
every child does.
You took a permanent marker
and wrote 'math sucks'

In tenth grade
you did something
that made your eight friends cry.
You carved their names on the school bench;
You bid them farewell in a tux
your pocket square wiped the single tear
rolling down the cheek of your crush.

12 years from then
you are doing something yet again.
The pocket square lies safe
in my priced possessions chest.
Your handwriting is elegant now
and you have a carving tool.
Fearing you'll ruin something I chide
but you've etched our names
on the wooden crib of our child.

I thought it was amazing. I liked how it progressed in years, and the realism of it all. These things normal children sometimes do, and I feel it fits perfectly into the story. And the ending part of etching the names? Pure brilliance. I thought that part was very well done, and rounded it off perfectly. Keep writing these great poems, I really enjoyed this one!


As I said, keep writing!



-Ross

Hello, I'm here with a review.

I did enjoy the simplicity of the poem.

But these lines

the 'L' was way too long,
but you were a hero,
you couldn't be wrong.

In seventh grade
you did something
every child does.
You took a permanent marker
and wrote 'math sucks'

In tenth grade
you did something
that made your eight friends cry.
You carved their names on the school bench;
You bid them farewell in a tux
your pocket square wiped the single tear
rolling down the cheek of your crush.

Wow. I like the way you order the events chronologically, piling up the clues like some foreshadowing, to reveal the last stanza in the poem. But I think that the ideas are not organized especially in this stanza:
"In tenth grade
you did something
that made your eight friends cry.
You carved their names on the school bench;
You bid them farewell in a tux
your pocket square wiped the single tear
rolling down the cheek of your crush."

I can't understand why from making your eight friends cry, it suddenly jumped to wiping the single tear of your crush.

In this part also:
"The letters were incorrigible
and wanted some space,
the 'L' was way too long,
but you were a hero,
you couldn't be wrong."

I think "but you were a hero, you couldn't be wrong" doesn't quite match. Think of an analogy that would fit in this part.

Correct me if I'm wrong but based on my interpretation, the persona became a carver right? Because if he/she is, it's great that you used elements that could depict the person as a carver. The math sucks part, however, can be removed since it didn't contribute to the entirety of the poem.


Over all, your work is a good read. You just need to arrange and unify your ideas carefully so that the message you want to deliver will be understood. Good job in this poem! Hoping to read more of your works.
-Saby