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Battling with no weapon

by AgyeiJohnson20


The day has gone to sleep, the birds have stopped chirping.

Night has defeated the day; the village is now a cemetery.

Silence everywhere, except the snoring from the bedrooms.

Suddenly, the giant creature stood in front of me with fury.

I have lost myself, no soul in me like a human.

I ran, and ran and run, till I lost hope.

It stood in front of me, looked in my eyes with rage,

I could smell its odor

So determined to tear me into pieces with all its strength,

I shivered with all the fear in me.

What it saw, I couldn't notice, it stepped back.

Screamed on top of it gruesome voice!

“I hate you! I hate you! And I hate you!” it shouted

The creature began to tear itself up in pain.

A hand tapped on my shoulder,

“Kofi! wake up.” Mother voice called

It was 6:00 am,

The day has woken from it sleep.

The dark has been defeated by the day.

I had fought and defeated an evil spirit with no weapon in the night while I slept.

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119 Reviews


Points: 8
Reviews: 119

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Sun Feb 26, 2017 6:20 pm
Aleta wrote a review...



Hello AgyeiJohnson, Aleta here for a short review. As far as first impressions go, the poem itself was a bit confusing. This line is an example of this: 'Silence everywhere, except the snoring from the bedrooms.' It's contradicting itself because you're saying that there is silent, but there is snoring coming from bedrooms.

'I have lost myself, no soul in me like a human.'
The second part of this line does not make sense. I think you need to be more specific about these things. I don't have much to comment on this considering I don't understand what you're saying.

'It stood in front of me, looked in my eyes with rage,'
You seem to just be going through the motions here. He runs. The monsters stands in front of him. Instead of the word looking, you could convey to the reader not that the monster was not only looking at him, but glaring at him.

'I could smell its odor'
Well what's the monster smell like? Be more descriptive.

'Screamed on top of it gruesome voice!'
This line is confusing as well. 'On top of it gruesome voice' means what exactly? Did you mean 'Screamed in a gruesome voice' or something of that nature?

You leave the reader wondering what the monster looks like. Maybe you could of told us more about how it looked so we could develop more imagery.




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Sat Feb 18, 2017 4:47 am
Querencia wrote a review...



Hello AgyeiJohnson20!

This is an interesting poem, though a bit confusing. You begin in present tense, but write mostly in past tense, so I would choose one tense and stick to it throughout

I could smell its odor

Throughout this piece, I'd love to see some more imagery! There's a giant monster, a sleeping town, and in the end it's all a dream. Try giving it some dreamlike qualities or a few more drains or descriptions. For example, here you say that there's an odour. Usually doors are bad things, but you could clarify by using a stronger word like "stench", or you could say, "rank odor".

What it saw, I couldn't notice, it stepped back.
Screamed on top of its gruesome voice!
“I hate you! I hate you! And I hate you!” it shouted
The creature began to tear itself up in pain.

I admit, this part doesn't make much sense. Your whole poem is about fighting the monster, but the narrator is just struck with fear. Instead of backing away from the monster, however, the monster backs away from the narrator. Then it yells that it hates the narrator, and again instead of fighting, it begins to tear itself up in pain. This doesn't seem to follow logic very much! You say the narrator is fighting without a weapon, but the narrator doesn't seem to be doing anything at all. I think you could change this section to make it more clear and accurate.

I like the ending, but it seems kind of anrupt, and again, it doesn't line up with what the narrator actually does when confronted with the monster. Just something to consider! :) Also, why is there a link at the bottom of the page...? I don't see a point.

Anyway, good luck in your edits! Hope this helped, and you can make it a little clearer.

-Falco




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Fri Feb 17, 2017 2:18 pm
herbgirl wrote a review...



Hello! herbgirl here for a review!
This is a nice piece. i like the idea of defeating monsters as you sleep, it's an interesting concept. You have some pretty good imagery, especially towards the beginning, i liked the first two lines in particular, they painted a fascinating picture, rather macabre. However, i did feel there was a lot more that you could do to flesh out this poem, especially to give it more depth.
The biggest suggestion i have for this poem is to connect it to a greater idea. Perhaps this poem was simply about a frightening dream you had, and you want to keep it that simple. In this case, i respect your decision, and have a few more suggestions for you, if you just want to skip to rest of this paragraph. But, i think that you could connect the idea of killing a monster as you sleep to a greater statement. i suggest adding a few lines at the end which connect the story to the greater idea, showing how perhaps the monster represented something greater, like oppression (since it seemed the monster was keeping your character from moving about), and how simply by being, as the character was when they were sleeping, they could defeat such a beast. That's just one very specific suggestion, there are plenty of other things you could do here. If that doesn't appeal to, i still do recommend you do a little bit of brainstorming and see if you can come up with anything that you think would be fitting.
Now, my next big suggestion would be to use more figurative language. As i said before you did have some good imagery, particularly towards the beginning, but this is simply because you are telling your audience what the scenery is like. Incorporate some metaphors in there, describe how the character felt when facing the monster by comparing their emotions to weather, or some other common occurance. You could also do the same when the character wakes up, what is the morning like? Does it feel like the character is being saved? Are they proud of their dream? Explore these emotions through figurative language.
My final bit of advice has to do with grammar. Let me give you an example:

I have lost myself, no soul in me like a human.
I ran, and ran and run, till I lost hope.

Do you see what's wrong with these lines? You switch tense about three times! Words like "have" imply present tense, "ran" is past tense, "run" is present again, and "lost" is past! This isn't the only place where you jump around like this, either, you do it quite a bit throughout your poem. This is confusing for your readers, because it's hard for them to tell whether the narrator is reflecting on the events, or whether they are describing them as the happen. i advise reading carefully through this poem again, and changing the words so that you can unify the tense.
Anyways, sorry if any of that seemed harsh! You have a good idea here, but it needs a little editing. Again, i strongly advise you to go more in depth with this!
Good luck, and thanks for the read.\!
herbgirl





Remember, a stranger once told you that the breeze here is something worth writing poems about.
— Shinji Moon