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Admirer

by coehl


                        I never noticed how good people can be. I always thought that deep down, many people were cynics and that many people are careless. But when I look at you, with your gleaming eyes composed from the soft blue sky, I forget all of the hurtful things that people can do. Taunts, insults, and stolid glares from many people around me disappear when I looked into your eyes. Your soft blue eyes makes me feel like a cloud, just drifting by slowly. My heart feels like it's on cloud nine.

                       When you held your hand out to me in the hallway on the very first day of school, I was so relieved. I thought that every day of school would be alright because of that hand. But I was wrong. Voices from those adversaries would disrupt my mental strength. All I wanted to do was break myself into small little pieces, and wished to begin anew. 

                  But unlike those voices crafted from yells and shouts, yours is smooth and deep, as if it were the currents flowing endlessly in a river of peace, making me wish to tell you all my troubles and what makes me feel blue. Your eyes bring out the concealed joy within me. Yet I always look away to play it safe. Then I notice how empty your hand is, oh my heart tugs at me to hold it firmly. However I feel like it would be wrong of me to do so. 

                 Until then, all I can do is sit here. Waiting, waiting for the day where I can embrace you instead of feeling blue. 


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22 Reviews


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Sat Mar 18, 2017 10:46 am
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Ferruccio1234567 wrote a review...



... *Review*
Hi. Nice to see your devotion for love. Puberty *ah god* as your backstory and reason is a good way to kickstart your presentation. Coehl, I like your literal philosophy of how people are always stereotypically designed with a large hint of greed, which makes it all the more when you finally discover a nice person. The bit "composed from the soft blue sky" is kind of like a dreamboat fantasy but still, inevitably sticking to the basics, as telling us also kind, blue eyes are one of the outlined character points. Maybe you could just use a different word for the next sentence - you've used the word 'cloud' two times in a row and to me that's a no-no unless if you put at least a few full sentences between. The next paragraph is better - how THE hand is helping you. To put it in a more biological point of view, the third paragraph is the one I think is best, as it extends your thinking into an outside-of-the-box function, and leaves everybody (including you :)) wondering about the truth. If looking away makes you feel safe, then the most probable way you would let it go (assuming if you were so overcome with emotions) would be to blush, go scarlet, crimson, magenta, cerise, and all those various shades of pink (I prefer 'fuchsia' as it seems inappropriate but Too Much Information). Maybe it could have been spotted, the rare glint in your eye, constructing your mind into overdrive as your hand was taken, anything by your crush if they suspected something was wrong? Still, the major 'plus' was that I could easily imagine the situation. Oh yeah... are you a girl or boy? Is the crush a girl or boy? Are you gay or lesbian (if both questions have the same answer)? Please tell me...

One more thing: Are you going out (you know what I mean) together yet? Has he/she found someone else? Or still working up the courage to ask them on a d*te (I put that in there in case somebody notices... but then again everybody knows what this ^^^ means......

I hope you gained something from this review, and bye! I've got loads of ideas for my next story.




coehl says...


ah thank you so much for the review, it's very helpful and i've taken note of the repetition of words and such, so thank you for giving me some extra words to use!

i'm a girl haha and my crush is a boy, i'm not gay or lesbian but i am bisexual (but i am not too deep into the LGBT community lol)
no, fortunately we're not going out. i am 14, a freshman while he is a senior at the age of 17, so i don't want to get into weird business, you know.

yes i've gained something from this review and thank you!!



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Fri Feb 17, 2017 1:37 pm
Elijah wrote a review...



Hello there! Eli here~

I have come upon your writing to review it. Though I see you have one or two reviews already on point. One more will not do you bad I hope. Anyways, I think of deviding the short story to parts, surely each paragraph will be in a different part. This helps us work on a smaller area and being able to focus on it. We will go through everything little by little.

I really admire people who can write in first prespective with them being the main narrative, showing their own feelings and writing about themselves. I would never be able to make it seem interesting and it is not my thing. Yes, this story seems more like an explaining, description, of what you are feeling towards that special someone, your crush. It is not like you are actually telling us a story or anything, it is more like an emotional note. Which is no bad.

By the way, extra points for the Maya avatar of yours. *wink wink*

I never noticed how good people can be. I always thought that deep down, many people were cynics and that many people are careless. But when I look at you, with your gleaming eyes composed from the soft blue sky, I forget all of the hurtful things that people can do. Taunts, insults, and stolid glares from many people around me disappear when I looked into your eyes. Your soft blue eyes makes me feel like a cloud, just drifting by slowly. My heart feels like it's on cloud nine.


I love how you start but the thing is that you prefer some words over others and repeat them instead of using something else so everything seems original. For example we can take /many people/ and /look/. Maybe /people/ in general is used a lots in this part.

Well, I bolded the words which you use the most and you can tell by yourself if they are overused or not. Maybe you can not find the right synonyms to replace them with? Change the sentences maybe. And the words are sometimes so close to each other, sentence after sentence, that it is just too much for me.

I noticed you used /soft/ to describe the blue sky which makes me wonder if I am crazy for not knowing the sky was soft all this freaking time. I think /soft/ is not an adj to be used for the sky. Maybe for the clouds, yes yes.

The second paragraph was great and I really had no thing to say about it so we will just skip that now.

But unlike those voices crafted from yells and shouts, yours is smooth and deep, as if it were the currents flowing endlessly in a river of peace, making me wish to tell you all my troubles and what makes me feel blue. Your eyes bring out the concealed joy within me. Yet I always look away to play it safe. Then I notice how empty your hand is, oh my heart tugs at me to hold it firmly. However I feel like it would be wrong of me to do so.


The part where you continue with /it were the currents flowing endlessly in a river of peace/.

Well what was actually that /it/? His smooth voice? You start with voices of yells so I assume you try to tell us their voices are noisy and horrible while his voice is gentle and sweet. The thing is that you say /yours is/ and this makes me thing of single thing, one voice. But then you say /it were/ which is pretty wrong on its own and is not a voice anymore? You pretty much jump from one voice to several. Though this paragraph really shows love and affection towards the crush. It is sweet but sad.


That is pretty much it. Hope you have a good day!




coehl says...


Hiya Elijah and thank you for the review! It's very helpful and I've noticed a lot of things about my writing ever since you showed many examples from the piece. I notice that repetition of words seem to disrupt the flow of the story which is nice and thank you for letting me know about it.
Along with jumping several points at once, I learned that elaborating slowly would help more. Thank you for showing me!

Thanks for the critique and tips, along with the "extra points" (;;;;;]]])



Elijah says...


Heh welcome!



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Thu Feb 16, 2017 11:21 pm
jimss23 wrote a review...



Jimss here

Hi there coehl. My name is Jimss. I do reviews.

Short work, quick review. That's how it is.

SO, you're 14 right? Ah to be young again. (Don't do college kid, it takes years off your life.)
I'm also guessing your a little new to writing. (If not, then know that I'm and idiot and don't take the things I say personally) That's ok; I am too. Now I must ask, is this based on your life, or is it just something you wrote about an unnamed other? You'd be surprised how much of a difference that makes. Things based on your life are much more real.(It may be the reason I can't write love.)

On to the review.

1) You're working with good stuff here. I'm serious. I may be cold and heartless, but these kinds of thing pull at the heart strings (so I am told).

2) "I never noticed how good people can be. I always thought that deep down, many people were cynics and that many people are careless."
Let's try to make this sentence a little more impactful. First sentences are super, super vital to any work. They set the stage. They need to be profound. I say switch the order of the sentences around.
"I always thought that deep down, people were cynical, careless, and cruel. I never noticed how good people could be." or something along those lines. It flows into the next section better, at least to me.

3) Ah, flowery language. It has its uses, and it has its downsides.
"gleaming eyes composed from the soft blue sky."
That's a little wordy. Beautiful language should be minimalistic, yet touching.
"Gleaming blue eyes that reflect the sky," or something similar says the same thing, but in a much more concise way.

4) Last thing. Love is hard to write. Too much and it feels cheesy. Too little and there is no emotion (that's where I fall). The middle ground is the goal. You are very close to that balance. Cut a few unnecessary words, and you will be in the sweet spot.

Keep on a writing.

Cheers from the neighborhood Jacka**,

jimss




coehl says...


Hiya Jimss and to answer question yes many of my "romantic" or sentimental pieces are based on events or experiences in my life that I have witnessed.

Oh short reviews in my opinion, are one of the best reviews!

I understand the switching sentences part, which would make more sense as it transitions into the next sentence. I will try and think of cutting the unnecessary descriptions.

Overall your review was very helpful since it was spot on and right to the point, I like it that way. Also thank you for the compliments! I never would have thought that I'd see myself writing romance or sentimental pieces lol



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Thu Feb 16, 2017 10:38 pm
carlysle wrote a review...



even though i know this is a chapter in a novel, this would be just as good as a stand alone piece! one thing you could change is your syntax. "Your eyes bring out the concealed joy within me. Yet I always look away to play it safe." is a very sweet sounding sentence, but if it was "Your eyes..... within me, yet..." it would really bring out the beautiful language you're using.

also, you do use cliches a little bit more than is necessary, and they kind of disrupt the flow of your narrative. using cliches generally dilutes the raw emotions you feel. compared to the rest of your diction, i think you can come up with a much more creative word combination than "feeling blue." tell me about the gut wrenching agony you feel when your soul mate is just out of reach.

however, your story is anything but cliched. it's well done, and even though i don't know you i can still hear your voice reading this to me. it's good to have a grounded writing style, and i can tell you're well on your way to finding it, if not already there.




coehl says...


Oh I actually didn't plan for this to be a novel, I wasn't sure how to categorize short stories when I was submitting this but oh well.

Yeah I get your stance on the "feeling blue" part and I do understand on why you'd want me to elaborate it. It makes sense why you're saying this because I laid out the fact that the admirer cherishes their crush to bits, but almost didn't say many details to elaborate that said cherish.

Yay! I'm happy to hear that it's not as cliched and thank you for the support, I worried that this would be cliche in terms of diction and vocabulary. Also thank you for your support! I'll keep on writing bit by bit.




Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
— Ann Landers