Young Writers Society

Hey there! I was scrolling through the Green Room and found this, and so here I am for a review! Let's get into this! I'll work stanza by stanza.

Unbearable distance.

A longing for

Droplets of starlight in a gazing pool

Of darkness. You exhale,

I'm not going to lie, while this is intriguing, I find it very hard to grasp what message you're attempting to convey through it. I'm not saying you're a bad writer at all, you're not, I just feel like you could make this a bit better. Does the gazing pool of darkness represent depression? Are the droplets of starlight representing hope? I think this could work much better if you omit "Unbearable distance" and "You exhale," from this. They just don't seem to tie in with the meaning.

Uncontrollably overcome.

An innocence, maybe;

A potential naivety.

Perhaps you don’t belong.

This is good! I like this! I think in this sense, the narrator is questioning whether they belong in the world or not, and are attempting to find which role they play in society. I'm not sure though.

Incredible uncertainty.

Disconcerted;

The soul of the sky blackened

By the one and only light. An

I'm not sure what the word "An" is doing in this stanza, it would be better for it to be in the one after it. And I don't know which metaphorical allusion you're employing when you say the soul of the sky is blackened by the one and only light. What is this light? How does it blacken something?

Undeniable detachment,

From all that exists and all that does not.

A grave presence. Forgotten words never unseen,

Beyond your own consciousness.

Again, I just have trouble in understanding what you're trying to convey here. Perhaps I may not just be viewing it through the perspective you intend your readers to.

Unforgotten truths,

Icy fingers. A numbness one could

Never describe. Approaching,

A fear too strong;

Does the numbness here come from the fear? I like this stanza!

Underwhelming existence;

A desire to fall apart.

The fear to jump suddenly vanishes,

You take your final breath

Alright, you've captured my undivided attention here! This is suspenseful!

Inevitably immersed,

An escape inconceivable;

Consumed fully by tranquil seas,

A force so strong,

This seems to show a conflict of emotions. It's as if the narrator is battling their thoughts on whether to jump or not, but their desire to end it is too great, so they can't escape that notion.

Merciless Suffocation.

Voices screeching like violins

A death so faded. Self-inflicted

Horror with no release and

Great imagery in this one!

You just -

LOVE the ending! In my view, the narrator has successfully killed themselves and as a result, can no longer continue to write this poem. I find that saddening.

This wasn't bad, it was just a bit unclear to grasp what you intended to say. As the poem progressed however, it made more sense! Keep writing!