Young Writers Society

Leek!
Okay, so as promised I'm here with a review. I'm gonna run through the chapters one at a time so bare with me.
I'm gonna run through nitpicks first and then we shall get to the good stuffs, so here goes:

The sun gave its infamous blistering heat which encompassed that of a wooden, torn carriage.

The cloak hid a mi-parti or parti-colored garments made of two contrasting fabrics, one on each side, arose for men of upper- class

specifically your needs'' He informed.

Avaria Noter!, one of the most famous architects to ever grace our hotel.

'' Meline, Meline Herdeaux.'' She replies. She then grabs her bag of denars and gives it to the receptionist. The receptionist then shows her to her room. '' This room was created by the great Avaria Noter!, one of the most famous architects to ever grace our hotel.'' He annouced. ''Sure.'' she scoffed.

white laced letter with a name on the fore front.

by my-side

like moths to light

began to ran

Her face covered in freckles, Her eyes

First thing I noticed in here was the imagery. Very well done on this part. I can imagine the blistering heat and starved dogs foaming at the mouth.

The sun gave its
This is just a suggestion, but gave seems a bit out of place here. Perhaps the sun shed its infamous blistering heat on the...[or shone].

On top of the carriage is a woman
So she is actually riding on the roof of the carriage? Or did I just misinterpret this?

A large rapier glinting in the sun's light arose from her left side.
Hm. I feel like arose is too awkward here. You could try: which peeked out from her left side(if you wanted to). This is only a suggestion.

The street is in enriched with roads that are newly paved and you can see the reflecting light beaming from it, the houses to her around her all were stone covered but had this marble effect as far as the eye can see.
Spotted a run-on here. It starts to become confusing around when you say "and you can see". Also, "to her around her all were" sounds odd as well. I would suggest rewording most of this. Here is an example so you can think of something:

The street is enriched with newly paved roads. Even the poor men could see the reflecting light beaming from it. The houses all around here were stone covered but had a marble effect as far as the eye could see.

She gets out
I think gets is a bit too overused in literature just because it sounds elementary. You could replace it with she steps out or something like that.

As she enters the hotel
Comma here.

she sees the beautiful plastered walls with roses dancing in rows, near the stone desk was a beautifully cut garden tree that is shaped in a spiral, there were baskets and baskets of them all placed around the hotel.

No bath salts for you! One of your weaknesses is run on sentences when you are describing everything. I think the way you could resolve this is type it out however you want to at first then break it down into manageable sentences that would make more sense. Like this:

She sees the beautiful plastered walls with rows of roses. Near the stone desk was a beautifully cut garden tree shaped in a spiral. (Etc, etc)

glinting like black beetles under all the hair.
Ooh. Nice imagery.

She then grabs her bag of denars and gives it to the receptionist. The receptionist then shows her to her room.

You say 'then' repeatedly here. I'd say if you just switched around one of the sentences as far as word choice goes it would sound better. Let's see about the second sentence here.
*The receptionist guides her to her room.
*The young man/receptionist beckons for her to follow him down the hall.
(just some examples)

As they enter the room it is beautifully lit by the sun as it gives a radiant shower all over Meline.

The beginning of the sentence makes me think the sentence will end with the same theme but it quickly transitions. You are providing good imagery with definite potential but if you slowed down and made sure to ask yourself 'is this awkward or not?' maybe it would help. Stating that the room itself is beautifully lit by the sun and throws its radiant rays on Meline would probably sound better.
Ex: The room is beautifully lit by the sun, throwing its radiant shower all over Meline.

Meline not caring about the receptionist quickly pushes him out of the room.
Commas needed. *Meline, not caring about the receptionist, quickly pushes him out of the room.

quickly cut short due the door slamming shut in his face.
I think just leaving it at cut short would sound better. But this is only my thought.

`Meline`.
Those little ' are not needed here. Only the italics.

anymore don't trust anyone not even those you care for.
Make sure to separate this. Ex: ...anymore. Do not trust anyone, not even those you care for.

interuppted by noise blasting from the square.
*interrupted

what going on but she sees elite swords-woman pour from east side
*what is going on

Meline holding tight onto her rapier as the commotion continues.
It should be holds, not holding. Melanie holds tight onto her rapier as the commotion continues.

smoker's lung had created a face.
This is just confusing itself. You could say...his face resembled that of a smoker's damaged lungs. Or something similar.

I did not bother with correcting the last paragraph as I did not want to correct every single little bit.

STRONG POINT
Imagery, imagery, imagery! I can imagine every single thing in this story. It gives me kind of an Arab vibe, you know?

WEAK POINT
Awkward sentences, awkward terms. Run on sentences.

I liked this one.

This is difficult to read due to how often you switch tenses:

Present:

On top of the carriage is a woman wearing a large cloak

On the other side was a small bow mounted on a stock

The horse lets out a neigh as the carriage comes to a halt

the houses to her around her all were stone covered