z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Realms; Black and White

by KiraThePotatoChip


Realms

A Story of the Broken

      Take everything you think you know about the universe. I want you to throw that out of your head for the rest of your life. There is no god, there is no reincarnation, and there is no life after death. The world runs on ideals like these, and that is why it is falling apart. Kings are what govern your fate, they decide how you die and when. They are the only true keepers of creation, and they hold no remorse. At least, that's what some say, but few believe. Long ago, there was nothing, yet one lifeform found comfort in the vast void of space. Over time, the creature became old and wise, having grown both in knowledge and size, encompassing a vast area, simply known as the void, for inside the creature there existed nothing. In some ways, the creature itself was nothing, it having no body, nor mind. The creature simply existed because it could. Born from the cold void that was the creature came forth a being of darkness, a King. Though once having a name of its own, the King became known only as the Black King. The void itself could not constrain the power of the Black King, who possessed powers beyond comprehension. Where nothing existed, there began to exist much, and with that, the first creation was made. 

      The Black King had shaped a molten core of various metals, surrounding it with a crust, and then a surface. Through this process, the entire planetoid became incredibly hot for millions of years, and from it was forged the basis of all of creation, nearly every element was found on this creation, save those that the Black King would use for other purposes. Over quadrillions of years, the Black King manifested his powers over everything in the void. As the creature that was the void grew, so did the universe. From the creature were born more Kings, who acknowledged the Black King as their strongest. Millions of Kings probed the void, learning how to create for themselves, filling even more of the emptiness with new things. Two notable Kings were created by the void, who would sit by the Black King, the only ones to match his power. They were known as the Prism King, and the Colorless King. Even more, both were females, the first, and only to come from the void as such. With the help of these two, the Black King created the first ever forms of life. By the time the first advanced life was able to show up, massive war broke out among the Kings. The White King, the last King to be born of the void was corrupted. Although weak, he gained many supporters his purposes. After a hundred years, nearly all the Kings were wiped out, returned to the void. During the final stand between the Black King and the White King, the two fought, the Black King surpassing the other in every way, much of the creations from other kings were destroyed. 

       By the end of the battle, only four Kings remained. Both the female Kings, the Prism and Colorless, as well as the Black and White Kings, stood alone. In a blind rage, the Black King used his power to ensure that he would not lose another of his kind ever again. Bending the void to his will, he prevented Kings from surfacing from the void, forever marking the four survivors as the last of their kind. Hundreds of years went by, the Kings mopping up the damage that had been done during the war. At the place of the original creation, the Black King added other planets and a sun. Life flourished thanks to the Prism and Colorless Kings, and the four forged gateways to outside the void. The first way to access outside of the void and create Realms. The Black King made his Kingdom far, far outside the void, as did the others, the White Kings own Kingdom reflecting the opposite of the Black Kings, while the Prism King had a realm of shattered and broken creations, which were always beautiful in craftsmanship, and the Colorless King had a split Kingdom, reflecting the other three. Years and years went by, and soon there were realms in such a high number that outside of the void seemed to be an ocean of different places. 

   Many worlds populated each realm, almost mirroring the void with their ability to expand eternally. Although these creations were great, none were more grand and perfect than the four kingdoms, and the original system, otherwise known as Realm Zero by this time. Many flocked to see the wonders of the Realm, however soon the creature of the void began to harden its shell, preventing travel within itself. Some say that the creature was dying, others that it was becoming more sentient, and was refusing to be traveled into. The simple truth is that the creature has always been sentient, and had grown tired of the battle that occurred within it. Within the creature still resided the creations forged by all others, however, many came to believe that the void had destroyed them, and that nothing could truly exist within the void. No one knows what the inside of the void looked like, and many think it a legend.

   Something truly unexpected happened many lifetimes after the void became a simple myth. A new King was born, the consequences felt throughout the Realms. With the power preventing new Kings from being born broken, a massive surge of energy ripped through the Realms, affecting solely the Kings. Now, the four Kings try to make their way to the void, with the White King trying to pull this new King to his side, the Colorless King trying to shield the new King from the others, the Prism King trying to take this new King, and train him, and the Black King, with unknown intentions, heading straight for this new King. Each will battle with another, trying to do as they wish with the new King, and ultimately, making the biggest sacrifices known to all of creation. This is their story, the story of Kings, Realms, war, destruction, and pain. This is the legend of the Kings, and this is simply the beginning of something far greater than most can imagine.

     


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23 Reviews


Points: 284
Reviews: 23

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Thu Jan 26, 2017 10:41 pm
MeatBunCat wrote a review...



Hai! MeatBunCat here~

Most of this is just gonna be reactions as I read, since I figure everyone news a few of those. (I like them). But before that, I wanna say, you're paragraphs are massive. Which is fine grammar wise, but story book wise it makes the text seem more daunting.

Now on to my thoughts as I read:

Take everything you think you know about the universe. I want you to throw that out of your head for the rest of your life.

Dramatic world changing truth is dramatic.

There is no god, there is no reincarnation, and there is no life after death. The world runs on ideals like these, and that is why it is falling apart. Kings are what govern your fate, they decide how you die and when. They are the only true keepers of creation, and they hold no remorse. At least, that's what some say, but few believe.

Wait, wait wait. You just told the reader to throw everything they know about the world out the window, and then tell the reader something that is only somewhat believed. I'ma confused.

Long ago, there was nothing, yet one lifeform found comfort in the vast void of space. Over time, the creature became old and wise, having grown both in knowledge and size, encompassing a vast area, simply known as the void, for inside the creature there existed nothing.

This paragraph is awkward. I'm taking it as, long ago there was nothing, but there actually was something, and that something liked the nothing. Later in that nothingness, it learned, probably about the nothingness, and then you add on how it both existed and didn't exist, since it was basically a skin with nothing inside.

So maybe if I was gonna write it dramatically, I'd go. "Long ago in the vast depths of space, a space where only time seemed to move forward. There was a seemingly absolute void, a space empty of everything but a single lifeforms. A creature of nothing that reveled in its isolation. Within the void, with only time, the life form started to think, to learn the ways of the space around it, growing both in size and knowledge in the countless years of taking in the vast nothingness within itself."

Where nothing existed, there began to exist much, and with that, the first creation was made.

Well every beginning of the universe is a bit of a paradox anyway, at least this one has a fancy nothingness monster. But I thought she/he liked the void, why would it make anything at all.

Both the female Kings, the Prism and Colorless, as well as the Black and White Kings, stood alone.

If their gender is important, maybe you could give them another name, since you're making it sound like they were the only female kings.

Many worlds populated each realm, almost mirroring the void with their ability to expand eternally.

Oh! I remember reading something like this in journey to the west.

Final thoughts: This seems like a major exposition point to a very violent story. Which seems like it would be pretty, cool! But I think this would have been better spread around the main plot, since its not all that complicated. This seems like a interesting world, please send me a notification if you ever get a first chapter out.

Bai~




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Tue Jan 24, 2017 2:05 pm
Omni wrote a review...



Hey there Kira! Let's jump right in :D

First of all, I like how you presented your title. Interesting.

Take everything you think you know about the universe. I want you to throw that out of your head for the rest of your life. There is no god, there is no reincarnation, and there is no life after death.


Uh oh, the "everything you think you believe is wrong" cliché. I see what you're trying to do here, but it just doesn't work for me, I guess. It's an antagonistic approach, and one that demands a sort of devil's advocate, so I'll guess I'll do that now.

The second sentence stands out to begin with. "throw that out of your head" is just such a weird thing to imagine that it took me out of the story right away. It's like the saying "throw it out the window" but the narrator couldn't quite remember it fully. Or maybe it's just "throw" that throws me off (heh). Perhaps "shove" instead?

Also, what if the reader didn't believe in gods, reincarnation, or life after death? What then? You start this off implying that the reader knows nothing about the universe, but what if they actually agree with your thoughts, or don't follow the beliefs you listed as wrong? By putting that list, you are shoe-holing the entire existence of humanity (or whoever the narrator is referring to) into three sets of beliefs. If someone doesn't believe those things, this argument is at best invalid, and at worst, your entire argument is thrown our of their heads.

At least, that's what some say, but few believe.


Okay, right after the narrator told us to forget what we've believed for the entirety of our lives, then proceeds to relay information that only some say, and few believe? Why? If this isn't true, don't include it unless you want to confuse your readers from the get-go. If this is true, then don't include the sentence above, because that's weakening the whole point of "everything you think you believe is false, let me tell you the truth."

Long ago, there was nothing, yet one lifeform found comfort in the vast void of space. Over time, the creature became old and wise, having grown both in knowledge and size, encompassing a vast area, simply known as the void, for inside the creature there existed nothing.


You contradict yourself here. If there is a lifeform, technically there was not nothing. I'm also a little confused with how the lifeform is explained. If there was nothing, how would this lifeform grow wise? Also, you repeat void here, but with different connotations I believe? The first time is a general descriptor added space, while the second is a specified area. Also "for inside the creature there existed nothing." just doesn't make sense. I'm trying to understand what you're meaning here, but I... well I can't.

In some ways, the creature itself was nothing, it having no body, nor mind. The creature simply existed because it could.


Okay, this makes more sense. The creature and the void are the same thing. I would recommend just taking that one part out, as this description is vastly superior.

Where nothing existed, there began to exist much, and with that, the first creation was made.


But... the lifeform was the first creation, technically, right? You called it a "creature" which originates from the same word as create, and thus creation. So, the creature was the first creation.

Millions of Kings probed the void, learning how to create for themselves, filling even more of the emptiness with new things.


Oh so Kings are worlds in this term, right? That is actually really cool and a wonderful idea!

At the place of the original creation, the Black King added other planets and a sun.


Oh. Nevermind XD

General Thoughts

Okay, so I noticed you put this in the Novel/Chapter section of a lit work, but this doesn't really count as a chapter to me. It's exposition, or an info dump, setting up a world, conflicts, settings, etc. Honestly, while reading this, the first thing that jumped to my mind and pervaded it the entire time was "this would be a wonderful set-up for a Storybook."

Your grammar is on point, from what I can see, so no comments there. Aside from the repetition of words at points that were unneeded, this was good exposition... except for the beginning, which you have most likely noticed I've put most of my critiques on. The first paragraph started out as a narrator telling a story, and then went all over the place. The descriptions were weak at times, and incomprehensible on occasion. This is a good beginning, but your thoughts skip from one subject to another, never really resting and providing the reader with solid ground until the end, which by that time you have probably lost a good chunk of them.

From what I've gathered from this is:
-A creature was born from nothing called the Void (this is the most confusing part. It was born from a void to be a void?)
-It created the first King, on accident
-This King was extremely powerful, and jump-started the universe as we know it
-More Kings came to be
-Four stood out: Black, Prism, Colorless, and White
-They had a huge war and the universe was decimated
-The void was closed and no more Kings was made while they fixed the mess they created
-Randomly, a new King was created and threw things into chaos
-And there we go.

^This is a good outline, but there's a lot of random information and weird tangents that stray from this story. We don't need to know that two of the Kings were actually women, or that there were gateways outside of the void. If you are going to info-dump to the readers, info dump only the information needed to set up your story. Anything not immediately relevant to either the world at hand or the plot at hand will be forgotten. I'm not a fan of exposition in general, honestly. I save exposition and setting up worlds to be outside of the story (like the intro posts of storybooks. That information is for the writer, but the characters, readers, narrator, etc. are usually thrown straight into the world) and instead throw the reader directly into the story to figure things out along the way. This goes right into the notion of "Show, don't tell" when writing, and exposition is a prime example of "Telling" the reader things.

You do have a really good premise though, and I cannot wait for the story itself to start. I apologize if I seemed harsh throughout this, it was not my intention! I hope I helped, and keep writing! <3






Thank you for the review. I can see where you're coming from with some of the contradictions, and I do need to fix quite a few of them. The main premise of this story is that paradoxes run rampant, and though I didn't present them the best, the idea is that the universe does not function the way you might think. If everything can exist there must be a place where it doesn't, that's a common paradox that we think is plausible. If nothing exists, yet something does exist, that is something that makes little to no sense. Overall, I'll agree with you, it is an info dump, and there are some things needing changes. Thank you again for the review!



Omni says...


The whole "paradoxes run rampant" thing makes sense after you said it haha, but definitely threw me off while reading it. When it comes to things like paradoxes, or any theme in writing that is a little unorthodox, I think easing the reader into the writing style is the best way to go.

Of course, jumping right in with a unique style of writing works wonders, but I've noticed cases like those aren't often.

And no problem! Like I said in the review, this is a wonderful premise and something that if you made it into a Storybook I would so join it. But, alas, it does just seem like a premise, and nothing more. That said, I truly am excited to see what kind of story you throw into this universe :D




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