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by alexblackwell


I am the breath that takes your life away.
The more of the kiss that you'll always crave.
The piece of cake
that met the floor.

The 'See you again' that went vain.
The page of the notebook with her name doodled on.

Beware, my friend, do not give in;
I might be the chance you'll never get again.


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205 Reviews


Points: 3333
Reviews: 205

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Thu Jan 12, 2017 10:35 pm
dogsrule5 wrote a review...



Hey Dogs here for a review!

I'm really glad I read this poem. It was very good, as well as filled with emotion, which is something I personally love about poetry. Anyway not the point of this review (well sorta I guess) XD

I'm going to start with constructive criticism, nitpicks, and suggestions.

These two things I'm about to mention are suggestions, that will definitely help you with this poem and others in the future. (well maybe if you want/choose to do them)

1) I suggest that you you put line 4 up on line 3 like this.
"The piece of cake that met the floor". I feel as if the poem has a better flow when you put it like this. Poetry is when you can make something how you want of course, so you don't have to do this.

2) If you do suggestion 1 (above) afterwards I suggest adding another line to the stanza to not really replace, but I can't think of a good word, the 4th line which you moved to line 3. If that doesn't make any sense I'm sorry. Please feel free to ask if you have no clue what I'm talking about here.

3) This is another suggestion.

So in stanza one (the first four lines) it's together and four lines. Then there are two lines and another two lines. I suggest you bring these lines together, and then possibly add a third stanza (but only if you want).

Now I'm going to get into the good part of the review. Such as what I liked and what you should continue to do in the future.

1) I really liked the title. It's always good to have a good title in a poem or story because that's what drags the reader in or I could say grabs the readers attention. When I saw this my head was like "That looks interesting let's read it" and sure enough it was!

2) The emotion. This poem wasn't as emotional as others I read, but it's really well written, as well as the word choice, which also gives it emotion and deep thought.

3) Speaking of word choice. I really liked the choice of words in the piece. It flows nicely with the poem, and makes it have more emotion, and makes it more interesting and fun to read!

That's about all I have for your review. I know sometimes I don't make sense, so if anything confused you, or if you have any question please let me know, and I will answer you as soon as possible.

Glad I got to read this amazing poem.
By the way I see you are newer to YWS! Welcome to this awesome community. I'm Dogsrule5, but please call me Dogs! I'm glad you joined our community. If you have any questions, comments, and/or concerns about YWS please let me know and I will answer them as soon as possible!

Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs






Whoa!! Thanks Dogs! I will keep your comment in mind while writing a similar piece. Thank you for your time!!
Cheers!
Alex.



dogsrule5 says...


It was no problem! That's what friends are for! I will write you a review anytime!

~Dogs



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41 Reviews


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Reviews: 41

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Wed Jan 11, 2017 11:46 pm
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ofmonstersandmen1234 wrote a review...



Hello, I'm Sandman and I'll be reviewing your work today.

So, let's start with what I liked. I loved how the title goes with the poem. It's a great piece that has so many things that go together, like "The 'See you again' that went vain.
The page of the notebook with her name doodled on."
Goes together very well. The loss of a friend or someone you like a lot always brings out the same emotion. Pain and regret. This is a great piece of writing. Keep up the good work and be yourself. :D




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111 Reviews


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Wed Jan 11, 2017 7:45 pm
TheSilentBagpipe wrote a review...



Hello there alexblackwell! The Silent Bagpipe here to review some of your work!
Okay so I'm going to give you a little bit of my personal opinion on your piece:
I really liked your title for this poem, it drew my attention which is good. Your piece was interesting and unique, not quite what I was expecting but a twist is always a good thing :)

First sentence: This was really good and I found nothing wrong.
Second sentence: "The more of the kiss that you'll always crave" I would take away the first "the" because it isn't really necessary and it disrupts the flow/makes the second "the" sound repetitious.

The third and fourth lines were okay for the poem, but I found them kind of a dead end. I would put those two lines together like: "The piece of cake that met the floor", and then add another line :)

Because the first stanza was four lines, I would recommend bringing the next four together as well.
Sentences five and six sentences I found a little confusing, but maybe that was just me.
Sentences seven and eight were very good!!! I thought that the ending was perfect!

I hoped my review has helped you some :) Keep writing! I look forward to reviewing more of your work.

Yours on YWS,
~The Silent Bagpipe





A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.
— Homer Simpson