Young Writers Society

This is Kaos here for a review, as promised!

The first thing that I noticed is that your lines tend to drag on a long time and you don't end them for several lines. I'm not saying to end them as soon as they start, but it does start to feel like it's just run-on and that you need to start a new one.

This affects how the poem is read and you need to work out all the kinks with the flow because that's something that will bring you down if you don't. There are some grammar errors that I spotted throughout the poem and I suggest adding more variety to the line length because it starts to feel like big blocks of text that we're reading and it's probably your biggest fault of the poem.

I like the idea of the diaries in the first stanza but the lines that transition into it don't really do anything for me. I suggest fleshing out the imagery of this with the diary. Describe more of the atmosphere to create more of an experience for the reader. Describe the handwriting, the ink, the perhaps yellowed pages. As well as imagery, I suggest focusing on emotional impact and weight behind your lines because it's something that I felt lacked in this poem. Give us lines that punch us and tell us that they love us at the same time.

The second stanza is something that confused me. I know you have a glossary for all of your words, but they're all mostly in the second stanza to a point where they all feel smashed together. I know you're submitting this for a contest and I don't know if that's really the best thing? It felt awkwardly implemented into the poem rather than something smooth and I kind of feel like you're overdoing it.

There's a lot of more telling and internal monologue than there is showing us what's going on and using imagery (which I felt there was a lack of). There are no images that stuck in my head after I read it, nothing really memorable that stood out to me in the crowd. The flow in the last stanza didn't really work with me, more so the last few lines that you have here.


The poem is named 'Friends', but I never really got that feel across from the poem because there wasn't much of an atmosphere to set-up the tone with. Your usage of punctuation is once again inconsistent and there's a lack of imagery, so I'm going to spin you to sensory details. Sensory details are exactly what they sound like, descriptions of the five senses. This helps better immerse the reader in the poem and makes them more emotionally invested. Onto emotionally invested, that's something that this poem didn't have. I didn't really care for the characters in the poem or the speaker, and the reader doesn't really have a reason to because it feels forced into the poem. Give us a reason to care about the poem.

Experiment, edit, read, write; keep going. I hope I helped and have a great day!

Hey, CC here :'D

First off...I read the other reviews, and I'd have to say that I disagree with some (one ) of them. I love the use of those words, because they make the poem stand out in a very unique way. So well done with that!

But for some things I'd recommend fixing--let's start with the first stanza.

There is only one way to know who i am.
be my friend honestly like a friend should be,
you'll know what is trapped inside my closet.

you'll know what is trapped inside my closet.

the pages from my diary instantly will be yours

although i put my diary in places people can
reach and i don't put a lock on it.

inside the kuddelmuddel, you will know
a puppy named Lebensmüdigkeit living inside of it.

i always forget the meaning after googling it because
i know i won't be such a person.

Jesus this reminds me of old Twenty One Pilot lyrics. Damn son. Thats good.
I just want to say that I think that this is amazing and the story you tell is great. That your mind (diary) is filled with all of this mess that is your mind, and the suicidal thoughts you have. The puppy named hope was my favorite part. I like the way it flows, and how it makes it easy to connect to your readers. I usually don't really like reading long poetry and the only reason I read this is because it said I needed Google translate and I was intrigued. But maybe consider putting Google translate in the begining or put them in with the words. This was very interesting and I loved it.

Keep Writing ~Whosabell

Hey NicolMemo!

I enjoyed this poem quite a bit but I still have some criticism. The first thing I want to say is that I'm not a fan of using those words. I believe if you need a glossary to be able to understand the poem and trust me I've done it before. With one of my poems (a poem describing a girl with flowers using flower meanings) I ended up explaining the meanings of the flowers at the bottom and I thought it was enough. Every reviewer pointed out that they didn't understand the poem and even using the glossary didn't like it. Your poem isn't too heavily relying on those words which is good but still I'm not a fan.

be my friend honestly like a friend should be,

although i put my diary in places people can
reach and i don't put a lock on it.

Well, This was a really interesting poem, and I really did enjoy it.

There were a few grammar things that I would fix, but I like how unique it is and I think overall it is a very good poem, different but good.

Just some things that I notice than can be fixed quickly:

1. diary is meant to be read, so why keep it hidden
only for yourself? -I would just add a A at the start.

2. There is only one way to know who i am.
be my friend honestly like a friend should be,
you'll know what is trapped inside my closet. - to me nothing in the part is wrong, I loved these three lines.

3. The only other thing I would consider doing is, putting the glossary at the start, because I defiently read it differently knowing what those words mean. Some people dont have time to re-read it twice, but that is up to you, but I do love hoe you but those different words and sayings in.

Ok so overall, a very good poem and a very different one, keep it up

Burrow