Young Writers Society

Hey bruv,

Here as requested. I think you have an interesting beginning to your story, there is definitely a sense of intrigue and tension that you play out well throughout the paragraphs. You're right in that you've improved over time! It's really wonderful to see your writing get better as you get older - this is what we all want.

Your language is good, if a little melodramatic. I think that your imagery works really well for you because it gives your reader a window into the action and the situation. However, I can't say that I can picture the landscape or anything similar, perhaps because it's pitch black but also because while you call it a barren wasteland only full of rocks I just don't get enough of the setting. Perhaps if you said what it smelt like, or what it sounded like, is it cold or damp or does it smell like rain or rank death? You're doing fabulous with your visual imagery so playing up some of the other senses would work really well here.

Your imagery and language in parts is a bit repetitive, that isn't just a case of words you use but the tone and sense of the images you're going for. This is mostly because you're trying to keep this guy hanging on but you can bleed out in seconds from fatal wounds, particularly to the thigh where it would have hit a major artery. You don't have the time really to be slowly pushing through the melodrama to hit on your actual point. I think you should be cutting this back, make her calling him happen much quicker - perhaps even allude to the idea that she was calling him before this point so that she arrives quickly and we can move on to the action. That's up to you but I'd seriously consider your pacing here.

The most important thing I want to talk about is your sentence structure. You have a lot of sentences here that are the same, or very similar, lengths and it's really working against you. I've quoted Gary Provost below - he wrote an excellent writing guide and you should check it out if you can. In any case, have a read of the quote and then consider your own writing, are you varying your sentences enough to keep interest while also moving your action forward smoothly? (You're not, I can tell you already)

VARY SENTENCE LENGTH ~ by Gary Provost

This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It's like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals--sounds that say listen to this, it is important.

So write with a combination of short, medium, and long sentences. Create a sound that pleases the reader's ear. Don't just write words. Write music.

Greetings, TheOtakuLord!

What grasped my attention the moment I started reading was the beautiful language you used. Phrases like until day and night could no longer be told apart and Countless corpses lined a barren wasteland create amazing, vivid images in my mind's eye. It's very descriptive, and your writing style is quite frankly a pleasure to read.

My ears rang in the dead silence that was filled with war cries and screams hours ago.
The 'hours ago' part is too casual for the more formal tone you've used everywhere else. Some simple rewording would fix this, but if you need suggestions, I'd suggest something like war cries from times gone, or earlier times.

My vision blurred and my eyes became strained as I forced them to look down. Several spears and swords have slashed right through me.
In the rest of the paragraph you've used past tense, but in the second sentence I've highlighted you flicked to present. To maintain a steady flow, it's important to stick to just one tense.

She was as beautiful as ever. Her snow white hair was matted with dried blood. Her ivory skin, was dirtied and cut.
Jason's feelings for Aurelie come across loud and clear from the moment she shouts his name. His desperation to protect her, and how enchanted he is by her, lends a fairytale feel to this text. It's great. I especially liked the way you described how she was 'damaged', but in Jason's mind this just added to her beauty.

“I need you to do something for me.” I said weakly. “What is it?.” She answered quickly. “ I need you to go into hiding. Get as far away from here as you possibly can.” She shook her head violently. “Please don’t make me leave you. I don't want to ever be away from you.”
The one thing which made this prologue difficult to read was the lack of indentation or paragraphs. At times, this made it hard to distinguish who was talking, and when. Read through the above chunk of dialogue, pretend you've never read this before... it's difficult to tell who's talking whilst they're actually talking, don't you think? You can fix this by starting a new line when a new person speaks.

I heard one last thing before my hearing faded. “ I love you Jason Skale.”
...And the prologue ends with the full introduction of Skale, Jason Skale. This had all the elements of a great prologue. The necessary characters are introduced, the state of the world is made clear, and it's conclusive, yet opens up the way for a whole novel. Well done!

Hi there!
From reading your story, I've found some minor changes that have to do with your organization. You have some conversations that i think should be separated into smaller parts and sections. You can also add who is saying that dialogue in some area. For example:

"“Jason….” Her eyes scanned all of my wounds. “I got hurt pretty bad huh?” It hurt to smile. “I could heal you Jason, I could-” I cut her off. “ You know that doesn't work on me. You would just be wasting your energy.” My voice was raspy. She looked down, knowing I was right. “Jason….you promised….you promised that you would always be there when I needed you…” I sighed."

To:(an example)
"'Jason...," she began, her eyes scanning all of my wounds.
"I got hurt pretty bad, huh?" I tried to smile at her, but it hurts.
"I could heal you Jason, I could-"
"You know that doesn't work on me. You would just be wasting your energy."
My voice was raspy. She looked down, knowing that i was right.........

And so on. This is only a quick example to help you understand what i mean, and i think you can do better than the example. Furthermore, i think you lost one or two words along the way, but that is a small mistake.
I also think that instead of focusing on the feelings of the characters only, you can add more information on the threat that could endanger them to, you know, make their situation more dire. It can also help the readers to feel scared for them as well, not just sad. You can add the in the middle of the prologue. You know, like in the beginning, you described the scene, which is my most favorite part. You did a great job with that, but you fail to give a little description of the antagonist. So, while the two characters talked with each other, you can write about how Jason felt scared that those evil guys would come back, as well as the descriptions of the antagonists, and why they are a real threat. I think this would add more to the suspense, creating more fear for readers.
That is it and i hope i can help a bit.