Hello! C: I thought I'd drop by for a review!
I really like the atmosphere of this work, it's very rusty and run-down and for some reason I always find those kinds of stories really interesting to follow- especially when it seems to be the result of some sort of disaster! ^_^
Behind the bar stands an unsmiling woman,
I felt like a stronger word here would give us a better picture. "Unsmiling" though saying basically the same thing as something like "frowning" has a different effect because we're used to seeing the word smiling as a happy word, I think, so it feels kind of awkward when the word "unsmiling" is used. It also just feels very passive to me, and in writing it's generally, in my opinion, more effective in conveying the emotions if a stronger word is used- such as frowning- or less common words: grimacing, scowling. I don't know if I explained that very well, but hopefully I made some sense! XP
On Lara's right side sits the only Middle at the table.
What do these groups mean? I mean the Elders, Middles, and Afters? I feel like this needed to be explained a bit more in the piece because it's just kind of something that's in there, and there's no real way to figure out what it means- I mean there's obvious reasons like it's the names of generations, but I feel like there's more to it than that, and I also want to know what it means and why it's relevant! But maybe that's just me.
Like Mea, I felt the large introduction to the characters was a bit hard to follow. I also got confused and mixed up about who was who. Another thing was that I didn't really develop a connection with any of the characters- which it's always good to connect with the characters/understand the characters on some level because that's what makes us love or hate them! So I agree with Mea that a bit more of the actual poker game scene like how you did it at the very end would really help us get to know the characters!
And one more thing I wanted to mention about the characters! A lot of descriptions are used in this piece, and although that can be very good and descriptions are vital in setting the scene- sometimes it can get to be a little too much when describing characters especially because it's the same sort of thing, the descriptions start to blur together and pretty soon you have no idea who you're reading about! I know what it's like though to really want the readers to know exactly how you see your characters- because as writers, our characters are so vivid in our minds a lot of the time and we want everyone to see how diverse and interesting they are, but by explaining too much I've discovered that sometimes it does the complete opposite. The Readers might get confused or even bored. :/ So sometimes when it comes to descriptions, less really is more. That's something that I've had trouble with, personally in my own writing.
Anyway, I love the ending and I'm excited to hear some of these stories! I hope you keep this up! Also if you have any questions feel free to ask!
-Socks
Points: 0
Reviews: 494
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