z

Young Writers Society


12+

The Poker Game: An Introduction to the Cast of Characters.

by ardentlyThieving


'Tom's Pub', the faded white paint on the sign says. The sign itself is starting to come loose from the wall, rusted nails straining to hold it up. The building used to be a office once, before the pandemic. Now the glass windows have been boarded up, what used to be the reception area a lifetime ago makes up the pub itself, and the back rooms where employees busily typed away on keypads have been converted into motel rooms, a dirty mattress on the floor the extent of their comforts. 

Behind the bar stands an unsmiling woman, a Middle, near the older end of that particular group. Her clothes are faded and patched and her hair is a dull shade of red in a messy pixie cut. She brings an imitation cigarette to her lips, breathes out a puff of smoke and stubs out the cigarette on the counter. Chipped nails quietly tap out a tune on the counter as she surveys the room with its many dirty tables and partly broken chairs.

It's mostly empty - the residents of the town having retired to their homes for the night -  aside from one table in the corner, where six travelers sit, wrapped up in a game of poker. They're an odd, mismatched collection of people, the candlelight casting curious shadows on their faces. First, the woman sitting directly facing the counter. She's young for an Elder, maybe late forties with streaks of grey only just starting to creep into her blonde ponytail. Blue eyes peer out from behind the cracked lenses of her glasses, their pink frames oddly childish. She has the largest pile of the bottlecaps they are betting with in front of her. Earlier that evening she had introduced herself as Lara Batimon.

On her immediate left are two more Elders, twin brothers in their mid-sixties, each with a shock of white hair. Both have their eyes firmly fixed on their cards. The one directly next to Lara is grinning, the other scowling. The two appear to have combined their caps into one pile which doesn't quite match the size of Lara's, and the scowling brother elbows his twin in the side as he goes to toss a handful of the chips into the centre. One of the brothers introduced himself as Byron, the other Alton, but no one at the table remembers which is which, and no one wants to admit they have forgotten.  

On Lara's right side sits the only Middle at the table. He's a rather small, nervous man whose brown hair keeps falling in his eyes. His left hand shoots up to tuck it behind his ear in yet another futile attempt to control it, while his eyes read over his cards again and again, as if he believes looking at them enough times will somehow change what's written on them. Despite his nerves he has a fairly respectable pile of caps in front of him. His name is Miles Aldridge and he's thirty-five, something he's informed the table of twice now. He's also the one who provided the deck of cards. 

Finally, across the table from Lara sit two Afters, young women in their twenties. One is tall with auburn hair halfway down her back, the other is shorter, with her dark hair cut so that it just brushes her shoulders. Like the brothers they are sharing their pile of caps. Unlike the brothers they are both whispering and giggling to each other. Each has a rather plain ring on her left hand, salvaged from somewhere. The tall one is named Kelly Tutton, while the short one's name is Rhona Bates. They have the smallest pile of caps, but neither seems to care.

The game has been going on a while and it is long past nightfall, but none of the six show any sign of wanting to leave the table. Still, the conversation has been winding down for the past hour, and is now almost entirely commentary on the game. Another round begins. Kelly and Rhona swap to sharing their cards so that they can hold hands under the table. The scowling man rolls his eyes at this and his brother elbows him in the side in response. "We were all young once, Byron." 

The scowling man, now revealed to in fact be Byron, huffs derisively at this, but takes his brother's hint to remain silent. Lara readjusts her cards, smirking a little. A bead of sweat rolls down Miles' face and drips off the end of his nose. He proceeds to light a cigarette in response. After a quick double take he offers the box around the table. Alton takes one and lights it up himself, while the rest decline with various levels of politeness. An intense, but somehow companionable silence sets over the table while they all refocus on the game. 

Another hour slips by. Lara wins the last of the caps. The table collect up their cards and hand them back to Miles, who carefully slips them back into their box before replacing it into his bag. Byron stretches out. Kelly and Rhona sneak a kiss, while the rest of the table pretends not to notice. No one knows what to do now, but no one wants to leave either. Finally Lara takes a long gulp of cheap whiskey - the only beverage available at Tom's pub - wrinkles her nose at the taste and clears her throat. "As the winner I propose a trade. A story for a story." 

The other five lean in, interested to hear what she means. Even the bartender has now moved over to the table, pulling up a chair so that she can better hear. "It can be about any time, any place you like, as long as it's about you," she continues, pushing her glasses higher up her nose as she speaks. "I'll start, shall I? I remember the day I first heard about the pandemic, I was on a school trip to England."


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494 Reviews


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Tue Oct 04, 2016 11:56 pm
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Holysocks wrote a review...



Hello! C: I thought I'd drop by for a review!

I really like the atmosphere of this work, it's very rusty and run-down and for some reason I always find those kinds of stories really interesting to follow- especially when it seems to be the result of some sort of disaster! ^_^

Behind the bar stands an unsmiling woman,


I felt like a stronger word here would give us a better picture. "Unsmiling" though saying basically the same thing as something like "frowning" has a different effect because we're used to seeing the word smiling as a happy word, I think, so it feels kind of awkward when the word "unsmiling" is used. It also just feels very passive to me, and in writing it's generally, in my opinion, more effective in conveying the emotions if a stronger word is used- such as frowning- or less common words: grimacing, scowling. I don't know if I explained that very well, but hopefully I made some sense! XP

On Lara's right side sits the only Middle at the table.


What do these groups mean? I mean the Elders, Middles, and Afters? I feel like this needed to be explained a bit more in the piece because it's just kind of something that's in there, and there's no real way to figure out what it means- I mean there's obvious reasons like it's the names of generations, but I feel like there's more to it than that, and I also want to know what it means and why it's relevant! But maybe that's just me. :P

Like Mea, I felt the large introduction to the characters was a bit hard to follow. I also got confused and mixed up about who was who. Another thing was that I didn't really develop a connection with any of the characters- which it's always good to connect with the characters/understand the characters on some level because that's what makes us love or hate them! So I agree with Mea that a bit more of the actual poker game scene like how you did it at the very end would really help us get to know the characters!

And one more thing I wanted to mention about the characters! A lot of descriptions are used in this piece, and although that can be very good and descriptions are vital in setting the scene- sometimes it can get to be a little too much when describing characters especially because it's the same sort of thing, the descriptions start to blur together and pretty soon you have no idea who you're reading about! I know what it's like though to really want the readers to know exactly how you see your characters- because as writers, our characters are so vivid in our minds a lot of the time and we want everyone to see how diverse and interesting they are, but by explaining too much I've discovered that sometimes it does the complete opposite. The Readers might get confused or even bored. :/ So sometimes when it comes to descriptions, less really is more. That's something that I've had trouble with, personally in my own writing.

Anyway, I love the ending and I'm excited to hear some of these stories! I hope you keep this up! :D Also if you have any questions feel free to ask!

-Socks






Thanks for the review! Like I said before, I'm planning on editing it once I've got the whole thing published (which might take a bit coz of my exams coming up :( ), but I'm glad to see that my reviewers agree with each other on what I need to fix :D



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Fri Sep 30, 2016 1:07 pm
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Mea wrote a review...



Hey there! I thought I'd go ahead and review this for my final RevMo review. :D

So, I think this is cool, and overall works pretty well. I was really interested in the differences between Elders and Afters and Middles and the other groups mentioned. I also liked your hook at the end about the pandemic - good setup for the next part to this.

I think my biggest critique is that, well, it feels like an introduction to a large cast of characters. Which isn't bad in and of itself, but I honestly had a hard time keeping track of all of them. You did a fairly good job of introducing them, but there were just too many for any to really stand out, and their names all wound up blending together.

I think one of the best ways you could distinguish them is to simply show more of the scene. This will make it longer, but it'll also give us a chance to see the characters' dialogue and how they interact with each other, and that will really help the reader remember who's who if the inter-character relationships are interesting. So, instead of just all this description, add a bit of action too, earlier than the little bit at the end. Let us see what conflict you've got for us.

The only other thing I can think of to say is that sometimes you have a few awkward sentences, mostly I think from trying to sound too formal.

But yeah, I really think you have an interesting cast of characters, and I like how clearly developed they are. You've put a lot thought into this, and I'm interested to see where this goes. Good luck, and keep writing!






Thanks for the review! I was worried it was getting too long so it's nice to see that someone disagrees with me and thinks I should've added more coz I tend to find it easier to add stuff rather than remove stuff. As this isn't going to have that many chapters (this one, one for each person/pair to tell their story and then a closing chapter) I'm probably going to go through and start editing based on reviews once the whole thing is entirely written, published and reviewed, but I'll definitely make sure to take what you said into account.

I'm glad you liked it :D





Thanks for the review! I was worried it was getting too long so it's nice to see that someone disagrees with me and thinks I should've added more coz I tend to find it easier to add stuff rather than remove stuff. As this isn't going to have that many chapters (this one, one for each person/pair to tell their story and then a closing chapter) I'm probably going to go through and start editing based on reviews once the whole thing is entirely written, published and reviewed, but I'll definitely make sure to take what you said into account.

I'm glad you liked it :D





Thanks for the review! I was worried it was getting too long so it's nice to see that someone disagrees with me and thinks I should've added more coz I tend to find it easier to add stuff rather than remove stuff. As this isn't going to have that many chapters (this one, one for each person/pair to tell their story and then a closing chapter) I'm probably going to go through and start editing based on reviews once the whole thing is entirely written, published and reviewed, but I'll definitely make sure to take what you said into account.

I'm glad you liked it :D





Thanks for the review! I was worried it was getting too long so it's nice to see that someone disagrees with me and thinks I should've added more coz I tend to find it easier to add stuff rather than remove stuff. As this isn't going to have that many chapters (this one, one for each person/pair to tell their story and then a closing chapter) I'm probably going to go through and start editing based on reviews once the whole thing is entirely written, published and reviewed, but I'll definitely make sure to take what you said into account.

I'm glad you liked it :D





Thanks for the review! I was worried it was getting too long so it's nice to see that someone disagrees with me and thinks I should've added more coz I tend to find it easier to add stuff rather than remove stuff. As this isn't going to have that many chapters (this one, one for each person/pair to tell their story and then a closing chapter) I'm probably going to go through and start editing based on reviews once the whole thing is entirely written, published and reviewed, but I'll definitely make sure to take what you said into account.

I'm glad you liked it :D





Thanks for the review! I was worried it was getting too long so it's nice to see that someone disagrees with me and thinks I should've added more coz I tend to find it easier to add stuff rather than remove stuff. As this isn't going to have that many chapters (this one, one for each person/pair to tell their story and then a closing chapter) I'm probably going to go through and start editing based on reviews once the whole thing is entirely written, published and reviewed, but I'll definitely make sure to take what you said into account.

I'm glad you liked it :D




As my artist’s statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance.
— Calvin