Young Writers Society

Hello there Mr.MuddyPig, TheSilentBagpipe here to review some of your work!

First off I must say that I had no clue who this guy was before your biography. I'm not really into politics that much (still I am more interested than your average Joe), but this was a pretty good biography. Since I didn't know him, I cannot review your work at the angle of if your facts are right. I can, however, review from the grammar side of things.

I was thinking, and this is just a personal opinion, that some of your paragraphs could be condensed together to make it not so stretched out. Paragraphs #3 -4 for instance could be brought together to form one paragraph.
Also in paragraph #5 , sentence 1, you had some grammar issues:
"Bernie got to be in in Brooklyn College but didn't like it as much as he did, he wanted to move away."

I would write it like this:

"Bernie was accepted into the Brooklyn College but he didn't like it as much as he had before, and he wanted to move away."
See how it just flows more and is grammatically correct? I also had to reread yours because it was a little confusing, this clears it up a bit.

Okay so I think that is all I had for you. Hopefully this was useful! Keep writing, I hope to review more of your work!

~TheSilentBagpipe

Hey!
So I've followed politics for many years now, apropos the Daily Show and relatives, and have a basic grounding in what this politician's general stances are (and widely agree with them). However, looking at this an essay, it will be more beneficial to pretend that I don't, and so therefore, I shall.
As a biography, this essay succeeds in getting and conveying the facts, which is arguably the most important part of a biography. It's rather no-fuss about the facts as well, with no confusing the information under florid additions.
Starting with the future works great. From the get-go, the reader is drawn in to see where things go. Good choice, good structure in general.
There are hints of cute, engaging writing here. Saying that our main character could barely afford college is humanizing. Saying that the brothers could 'play' is cute. That's good!
So, based on this, we can say that this is functional. However, it's also not very exciting. There are some hints of things that are interesting and human - the opening is interesting and the , but a biography well-done should give the reader a sense of the human as well. What did he do for fun? What was his personality like as a child? What were his parents like? What was Brooklyn like in that time? This should be the story of Bernie Sanders, not a timeline of Bernie Sanders.

Nitpicks of note:
Before February 9th - what year?
'big sized' - 'large'
'in this day' - on that day
'didn't like it as much as he did' - 'didn't like it as much as he expected' (or other meaning, whatever you were trying to communicate.)

This is titled 'Chapter 1', so I'll assume that any future importance this Bernie fellow has will be expounded on in the future. We have an idea of why he's important - the essay starts with him delivering a victory speech (why?) - but the events never get the point where he does anything of note. Therefore, as a standalone, eh.
Overall, this mini-biography has a good grasp of the facts and appears to be written by an author who cares.

Hey there MrMuddyPig. It's just Lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

This review will be a bit short because I'm on mobile for this collection of comments. If I type too much on this crappy mobile keyboard, my fingers will fall off. (Just kiddin but that's what it feels like.) Also I don't want my political views to enter into this review at all.

The author's note is nice but I would actually move that to your description. It just seems like really out of place for this type of essay. It seems great as a reason or a summary but at the top it's just sort of funky. I wouldn't rally say anything about fixing it, I just wanted to enter this opinion in.

It was great that you managed to collect all of this information on one person. I'm sure that you're going to eventually do another part. I hope of you do continue, you would make it s bit longer. Though I'm glad to find short pieces when I'm on mobile but I think something like this, should be a much longer essay. Maybe like 2000 words instead of 1000. I'm not sure what you would think of this opinion but I just wanted to tell you.

There are a couple of parts where you have unnecessary capitalization. You don't need it in the last line though I'm guessing you were using it for emphasis. Maybe use italics or bold, if you want to use emphasis. I'm not sure why you would want it, considering that you ha already separated.

The first line was pretty good and definitely gets the reader's attention. For someone that is a Bernie fan, they probably already know a bit about him. I think you were probably trying to get people who didn't know Bernie. I'm thinking this was a sort of trying to get people to like Bernie but it really doesn't change my opinions. Not sure what your motivations were but could you please clear it up for me.

Well I guess that's really about all I have for now. Hopefully this small collection of comments will prove to be helpful to you in some way.
Anyways have a nice day.
Happy RevMo.
Lizzy
The Queen of the Book Clubs

Hey, MrMuddyPig! It's Dracula again. Although I don't really like any politicians, Bernie Sanders is one who I could possibly tolerate, so I thought I'd give this a read. You actually taught me some things, I mean, I didn't even know it was his birthday! Your introductory paragraph was pretty good, it was great to start with before... not many knew about him and then end with a bit of a time warp. It's interesting that Bernie was in the track team, and you've written a story about a runner. Is that part of the reason you like Bernie- your similar interests? And free college he fought for. I love this sentence, and it's an excellent, conclusive way to wrap up this bit of writing. Just watch out with your use of capitalism; free college doesn't need to be capitalised. This was a bit short, but you covered practically his whole life. Thanks for sharing.