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Young Writers Society


12+

The Shadow Crown (CHAPTER 1)

by Sheadun


Beep. Beep. Beep. My head shot out from under my pile of soft blankets and I slammed my hand onto the off button of my deafening alarm clock. Why in the world would I set my alarm for six thirty?, I asked myself confusedly. My eyes shot open wide and I groaned. It was the first day of school and my first day as a sophomore. I dragged myself out of my inviting blankets and over to my dresser. I knew exactly what I was going to wear, my white sweater with my favorite black leggings. It had been unusually cold in my small town of Camden, Maine, making it the perfect first day of school outfit. I grabbed my clothes and boots, and headed out into the hall leading towards the bathroom I shared with my three siblings. As I walked sleepily towards the restroom, I noticed that my twin brother still had his noise machine on, indicating that he was still dead asleep.

“Come on Rett, you can’t sleep in today,” I said as I walked in, flicking on his bedroom light. He mumbled something non-understandable and seemingly fell right back asleep.

“Everett, enough sleeping,” I shouted and threw his setout clothes at him. I finally decided it wasn’t worth it and went back out into the hall.

“Good morning, sweetheart!” My mother called from downstairs, seeing me over the banister.

“Morning, mum,” I yawned and walked into the bathroom.

I put on my makeup, outfit, and brushed my hair so that it wasn’t the jumbled mess I had went to sleep with. Just as I was finishing, a knock sounded at the door.

“Come in,” I called and turned around to see who it was. My little sister, Allerton, stepped in and smiled. Her long dark hair and bangs were held back with a clip, her glasses were a new shade of brown, and she looked beautiful Today was her first day of the seventh grade, which doubled as her first day of piano since the spring.

“I’m so excited, Ella!” Ally grinned, “I have been practicing and practicing all summer! Do you think Mrs. Green will let me do the piano showcase with her older students this year?”

“Of course I do, Ally. You’re the most talented out of all of them. You must know that Mrs. Green already favors you out of all of the other students anway.”

“Do you really think that?” She asked looking worried, as she walked over to the mirror to check her outfit for the day.

“You know I do!” I laughed and headed away from the bathroom. While I walked down the stairs, I noticed that my lazy brother Everett and my five-year-old sister Peony were already at the table eating their breakfast.

“How did you get ready so fast?” I asked Everett as I kissed Peony’s head.

“Pure talent,” He replied with his grin that made all of the girl’s in my grade fall in love with him.

“Whatever,” I rolled my eyes and lightly thwacked him on the back of head. I strolled over to the eggs that were ready for us and took my helping.

“Are you excited for kindergarten, Pia?” I asked bringing the conversation to the little girl.

“No,” She said and looked nervously down at her eggs, making her brown curls fall over her face.

“Why not?” I worried, “You are going to be great, Pea. All of the students and teachers will love you.”

“I hope so, Ella,” She said and gave her perfect little smile. People said that Peony looked more like me than my twin brother did. We have the same hair color, and tininess about us. She has her beautiful curls, and blue eyes. While I have my grey eyes and straight, thick locks of hair. Everett was known to be the ‘heart throb’ at our local high school. I’m not denying that he is handsome, it’s just hard to think of him as anything more than the nose picking four-year-old that he used to be. Although, he is the most loving brother that I could ever ask for, always defending me no matter what. Allerton was the most talented out of our clan, becoming most likely to succeed at age six. Her piano teacher named her a piano protégée the first time that she heard her play one key. Overall, my family is special because of how close we are. My brother and sisters are my best friends, and my parents are two of the best people in the world. Some people even refer to us as the role model family.

I sat down at the table next to Everett and started eating my eggs with hot sauce, my favorite meal. My dad came out of his office and smiled at us, “First day of school, kids. How are we feeling?”

“Okay, Dad,” The three of us answered in sync.

“Great. Where’s Allerton?” He asked looking around the room for her.

“She’s upstairs in the bathroom,” I answered, swallowing my last bite of the delicious eggs.

“Well we have to get going soon,” He said, grabbing his briefcase.

“Yup,” Rett replied and stood. He grabbed his filled backpack, and threw mine to me.

“Thanks,” I said and walked over to grab my littlest sister in the hug that she needed. Mom would be taking Peony to her school. It was in the direction of her work, so she said it would be easier for her to do it.

“Remember, Pea. No matter what, me, Rett, and Ally are here for you. So are mom and dad. No need to be nervous, Sweetie. I love you,” I soothed looking into her milky blue eyes.

“I love you too, Ella,” She smiled slightly and kissed me on the cheek.

I returned her smiled and put her back on the ground.

“Ally, come on!” Rett shouted from the bottom of the stairs, and she appeared above the banister calling, “I’m coming Rett!”

He rolled his eyes and headed out of the door, following Dad. I waited for Ally inside, not wanting to rush her since she was so nervous for her upcoming piano practice. She hurried down the stairs and grabbed her backpack that had piano keys on it.

“I’m ready,” She said breathlessly.

“Okay, let’s go,” I answered, patting her on the back, “Bye mom! Bye Pia! Good luck today!”

“Bye sweethearts, have fun!” Mom called from the living room.

“Bye Ally! Bye Ella!” Pia shouted and ran into the living room to find Mom.

I pushed Ally ahead of me and slammed the door behind me.

Dad dropped Ally off at the local middle school and drove me and Everett towards our high school.

“Do you kids have any classes together this year?” Dad asked, looking at us in the rear view mirror.

“Just geometry,” Rett answered with a slight frown. I knew that he didn’t like the fact that he wouldn’t be around me for a while. Being the brother that he is, Everett didn’t like when I wasn’t around, just in case someone got me into trouble. Every single teacher adored my brother and would listen to him over someone else in a heartbeat.

“At least we have one,” I smiled.

He shrugged and we arrived at the front of the school. I sighed, opened the door, and patted by dad on the shoulder.

“Bye, Daddy. See you tonight,” I said and slipped out of the car, Everett at my heels.

“Bye kids! Have fun,” Dad called after us and drove away.

“Ready Ella?” My brother asked.

“Never been ready in my life,” I answered and we started walking towards the door. Rett said that he would find me at lunch and went to find his friends. I looked at my piece of paper reading my new locker number. As I was searching the halls for my locker, I heard, “Ella!”

I turned around and embraced my best friend since the first grade.

“Jen! How was your summer?” I asked her in a hurry, eager to see learn about how she liked Paris.

“Oh, it was grand! My aunt took us the Eiffel tower!” She gushed happily, “How was yours?”

“Great, really Jen. I’m so happy for you. My summer was pretty good. Spent a lot of time with my family,” I smiled and continued the search for my locker, Jen trailing behind me.

“As usual,” Jen laughed and pushed her short red hair behind her ears.

“How is… your siblings?” Jen blushed. I rolled my eyes, knowing that she was talking about my twin. Jen had had a crush on him since the fourth grade.

“He, sorry I mean them,” I said pointedly, “Are doing really well. Ally stars piano up again today.”

“There it is,” Jen said and pointed out my locker, “I’m really glad that she’s doing so well with her piano. I’m happy for her. She’s a good kid.”

I nodded and we walked towards my new locker, depositing all of my books, except for my first class’ book of the day.

“Do you have Mr. Calna for English?” I asked my friend, trying to figure out if we have the same English class.

“No, I don’t. I have Ms. Takin,” She said and I groaned, “What?”

“Everett is not in my English class either. I guess I will be taking my first sophomore year class with a bunch of bumbling idiots that I don’t know or like,” I mumbled.

Jen laughed out loud, “Well, that’s a little harsh, don’t you think? Besides, you know almost everyone here. Everett knows them all, which means you must.”

I shut my locker and we started to walk away, “That doesn’t mean that I want to know them better.”

“True,” Jen shrugged and turned around, “I have to go to Geometry. See you later, El.”

“Bye, Jen,” I waved and headed off towards my first class.

The second that I entered the small classroom, I took my seat on the side near the window, more towards the middle. I did not want to be the direct center of attention, so this was my best bet. After all of the other students had sat down, my teacher raised his hand, signaling for quiet.

“Good morning, students. I am your teacher, Mr. Calna. If you need anything, please raise your hand,” He said nervously, bumbling over his words, “First of all, I would like to welcome our newest transfer student. Gann, please join me.”

A boy stood up from his desk at the back, and our eyes automatically flew to him. He was dressed in a dark blue t-shirt with dark jeans. His hair was very black, and his eyes were an odd shade of green. He strolled to the front of the class and gave us all a huge grin.

“This is our new student, Gann. He is from Scotland, and is just learning the ways of the United States. Please, make this change as easy as possible for him,” Mr. Calna said, and pointed for Gann to go back to his seat. As the new student was passing my desk, he locked eyes with me. He quickly looked away and hurried up towards his seat.

Mr. Calna proceeded to go through attendance, getting through the A’s.

“John Azan,” Mr. Calna called, and I knew that my name was next.

The teacher looked down at his paper, and a nervous bead of sweat immediately formed at his temple.

He finally spit out, “Miss… Elliniray Beelcourt?”

I raised my hand and he looked at me intently, “Did I pronounce your name correctly?”

“It is pronounced like Ella-near-a Bell-core. Spelt Ellanyra Belcort,” I drilled. Almost everyone needed the rundown of how to pronounce my name. I was pretty positive that I was the only person in the world with this name.

“Oh, yes, of course. Thank you Miss Belcort,” The teacher stuttered and continued reading off names. I stared down at my book waiting for the lesson to begin. I could feel someone’s stare burning a hole in my back, so I whipped my head around, completely annoyed. I met Gann’s stare and he quickly acted like he was only looking at the window above my head. I rolled my eyes and went back to looking at the teacher. Although I had acted like his intense stare didn’t bother me, it really had. I knew that this was more than a stare of wondering, but more a state of confusion.

When English finally let out, after the hour of hearing Mr. Calna’s agonizingly boring voice, I almost ran from my seat. Just as I was about to exit the room, I felt a slight tug on my arm.

“Hello, I’m Gann,” A thick Scottish accent greeted me.

“Oh, hi. I’m Ella,” I replied giving him a hand shake.

“May I sit with you at lunch?” He asked and I was honestly surprised. This kid wasn’t messing around. He seriously wanted someone to sit with at lunch.

“Uh yeah, sure,” I answered with an awkward smile.

“Sorry to be so… forward, as you might say. My parents told me to be straight with everyone,” He laughed, identifying exactly what I was feeling, “I hope that we can become friends, sometime.”

“Oh, I’m sure we will. You might like my brother,” I smiled and started walking towards my locker. My next class started in five, and I did not want to be late the first day, “Well, I will see you later, Gann. It was great meeting you, really.”

“Yes, I am very happy to make your beautiful acquaintance,” He smiled charmingly and walked away.

He really confused me. Most often, high school boys complimented you when they had a crush on you. Gann really didn’t seem like that type of charming boy, he seemed more down to Earth and genuine. I shook my head and walked off to my next class, Earth science.

My two classes before lunch went fairly well. The teachers butchered my name, of course, but overall I enjoyed the curriculum set out for us. I went to lunch pretty happy. I stood in the familiar lunch hall, looking for Jen and my brother. I spotted them in the corner.

“Rett! Jen!” I called half walking half running towards them.

“Ella!” My brother said happily as I took my spot next to Jen, “How was class?”

“Pretty good,” I replied and then quickly went on to warn them about Gann.

“Why does he want to sit here?” One of Rett’s closest friends said confusedly.

“To be completely honest, I have no idea. Maybe he thought I looked lonely and would have no one to sit with?”

“Maybe,” Jen answered.

“Hello,” A familiar voice sounded behind me.

I stood and greeted, “Hi Gann. This is Jen, my twin Everett, and his friends.”

“Nice to meet you,” Echoed around the entire table. He took his seat straight across from me.

Jen and I continued to talk about class, while Everett asked Gann some questions.

“Ella? Your name is very odd. Is it an old family name?” Gann inquired suddenly, making the whole table glance our way.

“Um, yeah. I think it was my grandmother’s,” I chuckled awkwardly.

“Oh,” Gann said, looking like he realized how odd his question was, “Do you remember her much?”

“My grandmother?” I asked, “No, she died before I was born. My parents decided to bring back the family name.”

“Okay,” He resigned his awkward questions for now.

After finishing lunch, I went to Geometry with my brother. The last three classes were okay, just like the first three. I was relieved to be heading home after French.

“Ella? Wait!” Everett shouted to me as I was exiting the school.

“Yeah, Rett?”

“Derek invited me over his house to use the new pool table! Will you be okay walking home alone?” He worried.

“I’ll be fine, Rett. And I’ll tell mom and dad where you are,” I replied and squeezed his arm.

“Great!” He smiled, “Bye, El!”

“Have fun!” I called behind me and smiled. Rett got invited to someone’s house almost every single day.

I turned towards the door and started walking out of school. I sighed with relief and started walking down towards our house. There was nothing that I wanted to do more than curl up on my bed with a good book. A smile lit across my face at that. Just as I was rounding the corner only three streets from my house, I saw a dark shape moving behind me. I quickly turned around, trying to see who was behind me. There was no one there. I rolled my eyes, thinking that I had completely made it up and tried to scare myself. I continued walking. Something dark crossed the side of my vision again and I turned around. Nothing was there. I was kind of starting to get nervous. When the third dark shape crossed my vision again I immediately started running, not looking back at all. I ran and ran, until I arrived at my off-white house. Relief flooded through me and I sighed. I stood on my front lawn trying to catch my breath. My mom poked her head out and said, “Ella? Is everything all right?”

“Yeah, mum. Sorry,” I replied, not meeting her gaze, “Just wanted to be home faster so I jogged.”

My mom chuckled, “Oh okay. Maybe you need to jog more.”

I rolled my eyes and sarcastically replied, “Oh yes, because we both know that I am a natural at sports.”

She crossed the front lawn and through her arm around me. I hugged her as we walked in, still a little scared.

“How was school, darling?” Mom asked, kissing the top of my head as we walked towards the house.

“Pretty good,” I shrugged, putting my backpack on the coat rack and walking into the kitchen, “We have a foreign exchange student from Scotland.”

“Oh, wow. That’s awesome. What’s his name?”

“Gann. I’m not sure about the last name. My English teacher never said,” I grabbed an apple from the kitchen counter and sat down at the table, “Where’s Pia?”

My mom laughed, “She’s upstairs writing out plans for her and her new best friend, Carly. They met today and both told each other that they would make plans to do together.”

I laughed along with her, “I knew she would be fine.”

“Oh, yes. Pia is very social, you might say. It’s very odd sending your last kid to their first day of school. I remember sending you and Rett off to school almost ten years ago. Time flies, honey. Make sure you enjoy it,” She said, almost sadly.

I got up and went over to hug her. Just as we started to embrace, Pia came flying down the stairs and into the kitchen.

“Hey Pea!” I smiled and started walking over to see my youngest sibling, “How was school?”

I picked her up off the ground and held her to me in a hug while she said, “Oh Ella! It was so fun! I made a friend, I have a teacher and… I have my own cubby.”

I opened my eyes in feigned wonderment and put her on the ground, “Really! Your own cubby? That is so cool!”

“I know,” She smiled.

I turned towards my mother, remembering that Rett told me to tell her where he was, “Oh mom. Rett went to Derek’s house to see his new pool table.”

Mom chuckled, “My little social butterfly. I’ll have your Dad pick him up on his way home.”

“Okay,” I said, snatching my apple from the table and started heading towards my room, “I’ll be upstairs.”

Mom nodded and grabbed Pia, going into the living room. I climbed the stairs and eventually arrived in my small blue and white flowered room. I smiled and grabbed one of my favorite Jane Austen books, Sense and Sensibility, and sat in my window seat. Nothing was better than being in my room with a favorite book. I got my book-worminess from my mom. She would take any chance that she could to either read a book to herself or one of her kids. I dove straight into the breathtaking middle of my favorite book. I have already read it at least ten times and know almost every scene by heart, I would catch up quickly from any point in the book. As I settled into reading, something caught my attention outside of my window. My heart leaped into my throat and a cold shiver ran straight up my spine. A man dressed in all black stood in the shadows. They couldn’t be following me, could they?, I thought to myself. Why in the world would someone want to follow me of all people? I slowed my breathing and looked back at my book. The next time I looked out the window, I bit back a laugh. There was no one there. I must have made him up, just to freak myself out as usual. 


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453 Reviews


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Sat May 25, 2019 6:26 am
Lib wrote a review...



Heyo Shea!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on. I'm here to give you a review. Alright, so that last bit kinda creeped me out. Totally not because it's the middle of the night right now and there's eerie noises coming from outside and everyone's asleep, hee hee.

Again, as usual, you're word-usage was top notch. And, I love it. Your description on how the family is and the way everyone thinks they're a family role model, was really nice. And the relationship that the twins have, and the one that the sisters have is so cute that I'm kinda jealous now. Lol, just kidding! It's cute and it fits perfectly in you story. You know why? Because your stories are unique, and many other stories usually have siblings fighting all the time. At least, from what I've read. :smt023

Well, now let's look here. I've found a few things to point out! Let's get started.

Why in the world would I set my alarm for six thirty?,


The comma that's after the question mark doesn't need to be there. I understand that this is a thought, but still, no need, I promise. I used to think that too, but nah, I was told there was no need. On to the next one:

I shouted and threw his setout clothes at him.


Um, I pretty sure that's supposed to be separate. The bod word, I mean.

Her long dark hair and bangs were held back with a clip, her glasses were a new shade of brown, and she looked beautiful Today was her first day of the seventh grade, which doubled as her first day of piano since the spring.


And, this is supposed to have a period in between the two bold words, am I right? I'm pretty sure. And I understand why you made this error. When your fingers are flying all the keyboard, that's what's gonna happen, right? XD

“Of course I do, Ally. You’re the most talented out of all of them. You must know that Mrs. Green already favors you out of all of the other students anway.”


And... You probably found out what. But just in case, I wanted to tell you that the bold word that you wrote is missing its y. :D

I rolled my eyes and lightly thwacked him on the back of head.


Of ___ head. You missed a word, my dear. Of his head.

They couldn’t be following me, could they?, I thought to myself.


Again, same thing. No comma needed here, my friend. If it's a thought, we can just have the question mark, and I'm pretty sure your reader will be able to tell. :) Now, that's it for my chatter. I best be off to read the second chapter, in the middle of the night.

And as always...

Keep on writing!

~Liberty500




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Sun Oct 30, 2016 10:08 pm
occymay wrote a review...



Hello!

I really enjoyed reading this piece, I love the first person style because you can become really attached to the characters.

Positives-
I love Ella, as a vivid book reader myself, she is really relatable and very easy to fall in love with. I was really able to get a feel for what her life is like through her description and that really helps to set the dynamics of the book. I like your style as well, it's sort of informal and chatty but at the same it can easily be serious and to the point when it needs to be. You also give small hints every so often, during the last section, about what the main plot line could be. It helps to give a sense of mystery and makes me want to read on.

Improvements-
There are just a few little thing that I felt needed improving. At the start, it says "beep, beep, beep". I think it would be more effective if they were a different paragraph from the one it's attached to, either one together or three individually. It just makes it more effective. At one point there is almost a mass of goodbyes as they left the house, it just felt like way too much. Instead, you could put "we left the house and said our goodbyes", something like that? There are also moments where there is a lot of speech, which can get a little repetitive after a while, try breaking some of these down with descriptions of the surrounding or the way people look.

Overall, it was really good and I will definitely continue with this series. Keep writing :)




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Sat Oct 01, 2016 10:42 pm
erilea wrote a review...



Heya, Sheadun! It's Artemis28 here for a review. (I'm honestly probably a bit rusty. Don't hurt me. >.<)

Let's get started. So, first of all, it's me being a nitpicky person and looking at all of the things that I find unprofessional or weird. The fact that the question mark in this excerpt comes before a comma really bugs me. There is an italics option in the Publishing Center, so you can use that to demonstrate someone thinking. And I don't think there's much need for the comma.

"Why in the world would I set my alarm for six thirty?, I asked myself confusedly."

Now, take a look here. Where did your period go? It's missing, so add it back in, please.

"Her long dark hair and bangs were held back with a clip, her glasses were a new shade of brown, and she looked beautiful "

Girl's shouldn't have an apostrophe here. That's only if you're making it possessive, which you're definitely not. And another issue is that "He" shouldn't be capitalized. The latter problem shows up around your work.

"He replied with his grin that made all of the girl’s in my grade fall in love with him."

There was nothing else I noticed in this piece.

Now onto content! I feel like this family is really close, and I get that. But shouldn't they have at least a little bit of conflict? Everett is a bit annoying to Ella, so you can look at that. But Ella acts like a mom to Pea, whose name you've spelled both as "Pea" and "Pia." And Allerton is an extraordinary person who's talented. This family is really perfect, but I feel like it's exaggerated.

I also think the ending is a bit abrupt. "Just to freak myself out as usual" isn't really a good finish. Maybe you could end with a cliffhanger--"But then I glanced out the window, and I was looking right into his eyes." You know, something to make your readers want to get more.

I enjoyed reading this, and it's suspenseful and has a nice beginning (I've seen the alarm clock one plenty of times). Keep improving and remember that you joined YWS for a reason!

XOX,
Artemis28




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Thu Sep 22, 2016 2:45 pm
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Elijah wrote a review...



King here

My 400th review!!!


The story caught me instantly because of its details and its plot. I can honestly say that at the very beginning, it sounded like a plain story about one family, mostly for the female twin who is the main. But you have made this not so interesting start into a very good beginning of the novel. For first chapter, I find it catchy and would make many readers continue reading the future chapters. I love Ella's personality and her uniqueness, not only because of her unusual name. Very good idea to add the confusion in each teacher, not knowing how to pronounce her full name right. She is charming even if she is not that sociable like her twin brother, Rett. Each family member is different and this gives the reader variety of different opinions and prespectives to look through. I would love to know the story of each individual member as the novel goes. I am glad that you do not focus it all over the main protagonist only. I have complains, yes, but I do not think they are such a big deal. I will mention them below and hope this helps you at least a bit.



“Everett, enough sleeping,” I shouted and threw his setout clothes at him. I finally decided it wasn’t worth it and went back out into the hall.



“Morning, mum,” I yawned and walked into the bathroom.


I see that 98% of the times in this work you put commas at the end of the quotes even if they are not needed.

In the first sentence that I have mentioned above, you do not need the comma, the person have said what they wanted to say and done. Fullstop. In the second sentence I have left, you can use the comma even if I will accept it even if you do not put a comma there. It really depends.



Her long dark hair and bangs were held back with a clip, her glasses were a new shade of brown, and she looked beautiful Today was her first day of the seventh grade, which doubled as her first day of piano since the spring.


You have missed the fullstop in between the two sentences here. It needs to be before 'Today was'.


“Of course I do, Ally. You’re the most talented out of all of them. You must know that Mrs. Green already favors you out of all of the other students anway.”


You have forgotten the y in the last word. It needs to be 'anyways'.

She asked looking worried, as she walked over to the mirror to check her outfit for the day.



You need a comma to surround 'looking worried', so after 'asked'.

“Great. Where’s Allerton?” He asked looking around the room for her.


You need comma before 'looking'.


“She’s upstairs in the bathroom,” I answered, swallowing my last bite of the delicious eggs.

“Well we have to get going soon,” He said, grabbing his briefcase.


You use 'asked' and 'said' too much and I think you need to skip them most of the times. You do not need them to make sense.

“Remember, Pea. No matter what, me, Rett, and Ally are here for you. So are mom and dad. No need to be nervous, Sweetie. I love you,” I soothed looking into her milky blue eyes.

“I’m coming Rett!”


1. I think you need to connect the first two sentence. I do not think thta the first sentence makes sense by itself. I tried to say it out loud and I said it as one. You tell her to remember but you also tell her why at the same time.

2. You need comma before the name but it is not 100% needed.

I asked her in a hurry, eager to see learn about how she liked Paris.


You can not ask her how she liked something. You can ask why she liked it.


“Oh, it was grand! My aunt took us the Eiffel tower!”


You can not take the tower, you can take us to the tower!


“Oh, yes, of course. Thank you Miss Belcort,”

I stared down at my book waiting for the lesson to begin.


1. Comma before Miss.

2. Comma before 'waiting'.



Have a good day! I am curious about what is happening with Ella, mostly about her thoughts of being stalked.




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Fri Sep 16, 2016 9:01 pm
GeorgiaMasonIII wrote a review...



Remembrance already said almost everything I would have, but I have a few more comments.

First, I like that I get a good sense of who Ella is right away, but on the other hand, the voice isn't always consistent. I'm having the same issue with one of my novels right now, and improvement will come naturally from writing the character more. One thing you might want to watch out for is the diary entry-like voice that Whitlinger pointed out. Obviously writing out every little detail of Ella's day would get old fast, so if you find yourself writing sections that summarize without adding anything furthers the plot or builds the world, try to consolidate those sections into one sentence or cut them entirely. For instance, "My two classes before lunch went fairly well. The teachers butchered my name, of course, but overall I enjoyed the curriculum set out for us. I went to lunch pretty happy. I stood in the familiar lunch hall, looking for Jen and my brother. I spotted them in the corner," could be cut to "After my next two classes, I headed to the lunch hall, where I sat with Jen and my brother."

Second, there are punctuation and capitalization issues throughout. You frequently use commas where periods are appropriate, especially around dialogue. For instance, "'Ella!' My brother said happily as I took my spot next to Jen, 'How was class?'” should have a period, not a comma, after "Jen". You are also missing some commas. For example, "Oh mom" should be "Oh, mom". I know commas signify pauses and sometimes people don't pause between an "oh" and addressing someone, but on paper, it is grammatically correct to put a comma after an interjection like "oh" or "hey". Regarding capitalization, there are some capitalized letters that should be lower case. For example, "'I know,' She smiled". There is no reason to capitalize "she", since it is not a proper noun and does not come after a period.

Overall, I find that this is a good start that needs some polish.




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Sat Sep 10, 2016 2:47 pm
sheysse wrote a review...



Hello, Sheadun! I FINALLY got around to do some reviewing, and of course, like I promised, I came here first. I really, really enjoyed this first chapter, and eventually I'm going to review the other chapters. Anyway, I did notice some things in need of fixing.

The first is right above this in the last paragraph. Actually, there's two things there. The first is a simple typo... "They couldn't be following me, could they?," There is an out of place comma after the question mark which shouldn't be there. Not too big of a deal, but it takes away from the flow of the story. The other thing is the very last sentence. Why does Ella freak herself out often? I think an explanation there would help out.

Another thing is the kind of confusing nickname factor with Peony. Sometimes she's called Pia, and sometimes she's called Pea. I believe you might want to decide on one nickname, or at least one nickname per person. Granted, in real life people have more than one nickname, but in this story it gets kind of confusing.

Another ANOTHER thing is that Ella sounds formal sometimes, because of a lack of conjunctions. I really like conjunctions not just for convience, because they also can set a characters personality. Uses them? Informal and laid back. Doesn't? Overly formal. In this story, Ella doesn't strike me as some to say "... I am a natural at sports." She's probably say 'I'm' instead. Gann, on the other hand, would and should probably speak with a total lack of conjunctions.

Near the start of the story, Ella says "I'm coming Rett!" This should be "I'm coming, Rett!" That was the only grammatical error I noticed.

Other than that, keep up the great work, and someday I will review the other chapters! xD




Sheadun says...


Thanks! I love getting feedback and suggestions :) this review is super helpful! Thanks again :)



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Fri Sep 09, 2016 2:50 pm
JuliasSneezer wrote a review...



*Drops from ceiling* Oof! Oh... good day, Julias Roman' around to drop an interview!

Beep. Beep. Beep. My head shot out from under my pile of soft blankets and I slammed my hand onto the off button of my deafening alarm clock.


That was a nice beginning. Which, if you'll excuse my saying so, surprised me, as waking up to an alarm clock is an opening that is used quite often. However, you made it much better by adding descriptive words. Which makes me REALLY like it. Nice!

I put on my makeup, outfit, and brushed my hair so that it wasn’t the jumbled mess I had went to sleep with. Just as I was finishing, a knock sounded at the door.


I like how you summarized that in just one sentence. Oftentimes what happens is that authors go into rich detail about what happens. Which, I'm sorry to confess, is oftentimes a snooze-fest. However, perhaps if you could describe your main character a slight bit?

and bangs were held back with a clip, her glasses were a new shade of brown, and she looked beautiful


You forgot a period there, but otherwise good!

I'm not going to sit here forever, so I'm just going to say, I love the family dynamic you have going on here! I can't wait to see where you go with this. I would write more, but I've droned on enough as it is.

Just keep swimming,
-'Lias




Sheadun says...


Thanks so much Julias!

I realized that I didn't actually describe the main character... Haha! Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it :)

Thank you!
Shea





You're very welcome! :D



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Tue Sep 06, 2016 7:34 pm
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FluffyDuckling wrote a review...



Wow, this first chapter is absolutely fantastic! It's super gripping, especially with the man dressed in black, and I really love how you've introduced all the characters. Getting into the story is very easy since you've introduced everyone so well. Very well done! Also you are an amazing writer!

I'm sorry that I haven't really said much, it's just I'm a fail at writing reviews. :P So sorry.

Anyways, I really loved this and I'm definitely going to read the rest of the story! Keep up the good work!




Sheadun says...


Hi FluffyDuckling!

Thank you so much for the compliments :) I'm glad you want to keep reading! I always appreciate some good feedback :)

Thanks!
Shea



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Sat Sep 03, 2016 3:53 am
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Whitlinger wrote a review...



Hi, I'm Whitlinger, here to offer my two cents. :]

I like the (rather populated, haha) family you've set up for Ellanyra. The interaction between the family members at the beginning really brought them to life. I also have a weakness for twin characters, so I enjoyed the moments Ella had with Rett. Pia is adorable, too; her scene with Ella about her cubby made me smile. The pacing is good; some stories tend to jump too quickly into the meat of the plot, but I like that you hinted twice at something insidious going on and still left the reader hanging. Contrasted with the ordinary events going on at the same time in Ella's life, this makes for great suspense.

Ok, here are some of my suggestions that you may choose to consider. Some narrative parts in the chapter sounded a little summarized. For example:

"My two classes before lunch went fairly well. The teachers butchered my name, of course, but overall I enjoyed the curriculum set out for us. I went to lunch pretty happy. I stood in the familiar lunch hall, looking for Jen and my brother. I spotted them in the corner."

It reads like a diary entry, and doesn't seem to add new information, so I think you could do with simply cutting it out and skipping to lunch.

I also have a suggestion about the dialogue. You add a dialogue "tag'' (ie. said, asked, replied, called) to almost every line of speech. It disrupts the conversation flow, so that your otherwise nice dialogue sounds awkward instead. I would say that 70% of the time you don't need tags at all. I'll just revise a chunk to give you an example:

“Hello," a thick Scottish accent greeted me. "I'm Gann."

I turned and found the new Scottish boy looking at me. “Oh, hi. I’m Ella."

“May I sit with you at lunch?”

I was honestly surprised. This kid wasn’t messing around. He seriously wanted someone to sit with at lunch. I smiled awkwardly. “Uh yeah, sure.”

“Sorry to be so… forward, as you might say. My parents told me to be straight with everyone." He laughed, identifying exactly what I was feeling. “I hope that we can become friends, sometime.”

“Oh, I’m sure we will. You might like my brother."

"You have a brother?"

"Yeah. My twin."

"Wow, that's really cool."

“It can be." I remembered then that my next class started in five, and I did not want to be late the first day. "Well, I will see you later, Gann. It was great meeting you, really.” I gave him a smile, before starting towards my locker.

I added that extra bit to show you that quoted speech alone can make dialogue smooth and authentic. You don't even need to mention who's talking.

One last thing, and this is just personal: I don't think Gann's question about Ella's name was awkward or weird, considering that Ellanyra is a unique name.

Overall, this was a great start to your story. I enjoy the characters very much and I look forward to more. :)

Best,
Whitlinger




Sheadun says...


Hi Whitlinger!

Thank you so much for your review! I understand everything and agree! I will revise my work :)
Considering the part where Gann asked about Ella's name, the reason I put it there was something that will coincide with the story later ;)

Thank you so so much!
Shea



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Fri Sep 02, 2016 6:03 pm
Amnesia wrote a review...



Hi there, Mem here to review this work you have blessed this site with, Im sure I'll enjoy reading and reviewing it as much as you enjoyed writing it. Welcome to the site, Im sure you'll love it here. I sure have and its been just about two years since I joined myself.

So the first line could use some tweaking like this a bit:

Beep....Beep....Beep. The alarm clock screamed its usual morning song. I tiredly lifed my head out of the pile of blankets I was buried under and hit the off button a little harder than intended.


This is much more interesting to the readers because it blends a bit better. It's giving a little insight to how every morning starts and I know its more relateable.

As the main character moves through their morning at a fairly normal pace for someone beginning sophmore year I notice little words that can be swapped for ones of the same meaning that dont confuse me

Non-understandable
for instance could be changed to Incoherant. Same meaning but the flow is better for that sentence.

Personally I would take out the state and leave the town name in just for word flow quality. You can add in some where that they live in Maine a bit later but I'll come back to this then.

I threw his pre-set clothes at him
wordflow needs to be a bit smoother, you want the words to flow smoothly in the mind of the reader.
"I threw the clothes he had set out the night before at him" flows better and gives your word count a boost.

As I continue reading there are more instances where word flow could be inmproved but for the most part your work is well written and is relateable...save for the crown thing but from a highschooler's standpoint you hit the nail on the head for relatablility

It could be shorter...just to save the readers from a giant eye sore later but all in all I like this story a lot and cannot wait to see more from you in the future..Keep writing

~Mem




Sheadun says...


Thank you for the review! I really appreciate it! I'm glad you liked it :)
Your advice is really helpful and I agree with everything.

Thank you so so much,
Shea




Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten.
— G.K. Chesterton