Hi Pheonix! Dreaming here to review!
Okay. First off, I want to discuss your beginning.
I feel like this is kind of a weak beginning. Perhaps something more along the lines of, “A young boy rushed through the thick woods. His mind was racing. ‘Vampire Ghoul’ the other kids called him. He was sickly and pale. So thin his ribs showed and clothes rarely fit him. He ran on the path he had made from his years of exploring the forest.”Once lived a young boy…
There you are informed that,
He’s young.
The boy is bullied for being thin and pale.
He likes the forest.
I felt that your story is a bit rushed. Adding lots of detail is the key to a good story. WhatI do to add more details is I write the frame in a journal. Then I type it, adding as many details as I can. Then I type it out again, adding even more.
In your second paragraph I was a bit confused. Kanekí ran into a cat, but not just any cat. A talking one. Why wasn’t Kanekí surprised that the cat was talking? Does he come from somewhere where animals typically talk? Has he encountered talking cats before, or even, had he encountered this cat before? At the end of your paragraph you broke off and said,
”Well sir, you are in the Magical”
The magical what? And where’s your punctuation?
In the beginning of the third paragraph, why did the cat look scared? The was he was speaking in the second paragraph makes me feel like he’s more comfortable with the situation. How is he suddenly scared? Maybe add a stammer or two to set the mood.
”...Last, but not least, you will have to get past the two…” The cat paused and looked around to see if anyone was around. “Cat! What’s the third thing...I need to know.”
Hmmm… There are a couple things wrong with this part of the paragraph. First off, when a new person talks, you have to start a new paragraph. Also, I wouldn’t put the three dots after “What’s the third thing..” I would say it more like, “‘Cat! What’s the third thing?’ he paused, waiting for an answer, ‘I need to know!” Another thing is that you’re telling, not showing. Telling and showing is a kinda complex idea when you get down to the details, but the most simple it will ever get is this. You have to add more details. What’s going on in the background? What’s the light like? How about the Cat’s facial expression? What’s going on in Kanekí’s mind? I’m not very good at showing myself, but rereading and asking yourself these questions helps a lot.
This sentence seems a bit fast. Perhaps, “‘Mr. Cat? Mr. Cat!,’ Kanekí threw his hands up, ‘Well! There goes my help!’”[/quote] would work better. Even if you don’t change this, Your first “Mr. Cat” in the quote is missing a space and the second one has a comma. (Just some nitpicks)“Mr.Cat? Mr, Cat! Well there goes my help!”
Wait, what? How did he get there so fast? Was the desert dry or cold? Was he hungry? Thirsty? What happened to the big fight? If you went through that whole situation with the cat, I would expect something a little bigger.He walked through the Desert and walked through the ocean. He was to his last part. He really didn’t wanna fight them. He knew they were stronger than him. So he ended up with some scratches and he defeated the guys.
Why is the girl so friendly? Wouldn’t she be wondering why this random guy is in her tower in the Dark Woods?“Um...Hello?” The girl turned around from the corner and said “Hello...I’m Kellenica and you are?”
First off, you shouldn’t capitalize a whole word. If you’re using the word “she” as a name, then just capitalize the first letter. Second off, this girl has been curse most of her life and thrown in a tower by a witch. Why is she so open about her feelings? Wouldn’t that situation bury something deep in her that would be hard to get out?She took about ten minutes to explain on how she had to get out of the tower before SHE came back. Kanekí asked “Who is SHE?” Kellen said “It’s a witch that had cursed me into being young forever.”
Why didn’t Kellen ever escape before? If she just had to climb down the tower, wouldn’t she have done it sooner?“Yes. Just follow me and we should get away from the witch and you can be safe. So the two had climbed down the tower and ran as fast as the two could.
What happened to her arm?He showed her where she could stay and the two went to his room. Kellenica’s arm started to bleed, so Kanekí went to go get some bandages to cover her arm.
Woah. That was fast. I mean, I know it was a dream, but still that was pretty fast. Maybe add some more subtle hints here and there?He stood staring off into the blank space. Then she had made Kanekí look at her and kissed him.
So this is the end of my review. (I hope I wasn’t too hard on you!) A few things to remember:
Your reader has never read this before and doesn’t have access to your brain. What would help them understand the story more clearly?
I have a “No two-word” rule. Don’t start two sentences in the same paragraph with the same word, unless the paragraph is pretty long and the sentences are far enough apart.
Always start a new paragraph when a different person speaks.
Never capitalize all of a word, unless it’s in directions or something.
A short story doesn’t have to be all that short. “Short story” practically means a story with no chapters aimed at an older(than 6 or 7) audience.
Keep writing!
DreamingForever
Anyway, I really liked the story line, it's really cute and fun.
Points: 0
Reviews: 43
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