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Vampires

by Alice


Close your eyes,” Morris said. She wouldn’t take her eyes off him. “I think you shall be pleasantly surprised, I swear I shall not hurt you.” he moved over and put his arm around her waist, reluctantly she closed her eyes. “Don’t be afraid, I can’t hurt you.”

“Can’t? Well what’s the difference?”

“All in good time my Averill.” She felt like he was picking her up, but there was no strain on her arms. “Open your eyes,” he whispered into her ear. She opened them and looked down. They were floating over the town.

Averill gasped and clung to Morris. “How are you doing this?”

“Well I just pulled you up, and I was hoping that you would be able to hold yourself up. But if you’re freaked it doesn’t work. We best go down before we fall.”

Slowly they lowered themselves top of the building. Even though they were safely on the top Averill still refused to let go. Morris didn’t fight her hard enough to make her let go.


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522 Reviews


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Sat Aug 01, 2020 10:30 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: This doesn't sound too much like an actual story and more like its an excerpt from a book. We get very little knowledge of what is actually going on here. So I'm not too sure what this is intended to be. And its hard to really comment on this thing itself because I can't really tell if there's a setting or characters in this one. It's like a short deleted scene from a much larger book.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Close your eyes,” Morris said. She wouldn’t take her eyes off him. “I think you shall be pleasantly surprised, I swear I shall not hurt you.” he moved over and put his arm around her waist, reluctantly she closed her eyes. “Don’t be afraid, I can’t hurt you.”


The language is a touch formal there. Although I can't really say much about how that really effects anything here because we don't know if this is meant to be formal or not. If this was a simple conversation though this is too formal.

“All in good time my Averill.” She felt like he was picking her up, but there was no strain on her arms. “Open your eyes,” he whispered into her ear. She opened them and looked down. They were floating over the town.

Averill gasped and clung to Morris. “How are you doing this?”


You do write a reaction but I can't really see evidence of her being freaked by this. She just surprised to be there but not really scared or anything. This could have been drawn out a tad bit.

Slowly they lowered themselves top of the building. Even though they were safely on the top Averill still refused to let go. Morris didn’t fight her hard enough to make her let go.


Not too sure what's going on still. They just rose up from a building and came down again. It sounds like it came from what might have been a pretty cool concept but I just don't see what this is supposed to be.

Aaand that's about it.

Overall: Putting aside the lack of a plot or characters or anything of that sort the writing itself is pretty good. Its easy to read and flows pretty well so good job on that. And that's about all I have to say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue Jan 30, 2007 8:05 pm
Emerson wrote a review...



This is a very small snippet of something much longer, I hope...

You are missing the beginning punctuation mark for 'close your eyes'. The title is 'vampires' but other than flying I see no vampirism.

It's extremely short and very...empty. Who are your characters? What is the plot? Whats going on?

If you were even taking this as flash fiction (Something between say... 100 to 500 words.) It wouldn't work, even flash fiction needs a plot, a reason for this to be read.

It just looks like you took a clip out of something larger, I'm really tempted to ask, what is this?





To answer before listening—that is folly and shame.
— Proverbs 18:13