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Violence

The Malicious Shadows ~ Prologue

by RadiantShadow


Everything is a blur but I keep on running. I keep stumbling, falling, and hitting almost every tree. The wind seems to be a gift from the gods at this moment in time as it gives me an extra push every time my legs pulse and ache with fatigue. My tears are stained black due to the ruined eyeliner, and as they fall away they leave insignificant traces of my sorrow in the innocent pale snow.

The past 24 hours play in my minds' eye, like a move set on repeat that is meant to torture what is left of my hope. I have no other choice; either stay behind and get killed or try to escape while I still had the chance.

My feet sink into the deepening layer of snow. The air grows colder, as the sun slowly sets.  I need to find some shelter and soon. The only thing I can see is the stark contrast of the endless green pine trees with the grayish snow. 

Sudden sweeping sadness grip me. I fall down to my knees feeling as if all hope has been lost. 

"Don't let me suffer. Give me an easy fast death but not this! Do not let me die slowly at the mercy of the elements" I cried aloud to no one. 

The wind picks up, rustling the leaves and the snow around me. Stealing the silence that had fallen upon me. The universe heard my plea and it seems to have answered. 

A pair of yellow eyes watch me with malicious intent ready to strike.


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Fri Jun 11, 2021 5:43 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this is off to a really nice start here, I would certainly be very interested if a story started like this, even if only to find out the fate of this person, and why and what they were running from in the first place.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Everything is a blur but I keep on running. I keep stumbling, falling, and hitting almost every tree. The wind seems to be a gift from the gods at this moment in time as it gives me an extra push every time my legs pulse and ache with fatigue. My tears are stained black due to the ruined eyeliner, and as they fall away they leave insignificant traces of my sorrow in the innocent pale snow.


Ooooh, we're off to a bit of an intense start I see judging by how this here is going. Certainly gets your attention right away as a reader does this one. Its creating lovely setting as well with all the visuals, and then the sound and most importantly the way things feel really help out here to let us put ourselves in this person's shoes and really imagine what might be going down here.

The past 24 hours play in my minds' eye, like a move set on repeat that is meant to torture what is left of my hope. I have no other choice; either stay behind and get killed or try to escape while I still had the chance.

My feet sink into the deepening layer of snow. The air grows colder, as the sun slowly sets. I need to find some shelter and soon. The only thing I can see is the stark contrast of the endless green pine trees with the grayish snow.


Hmm, well we have certainly established the stakes there, and done it quite solidly there. You're certainly telling us why on Earth this person is running away and the growing tension in the background of something potentially catching up to this person and then ending their life is also certainly being done quite nicely. You can almost feel how things are slowly becoming worse for the person running and the surroundings starting to get worse.

Sudden sweeping sadness grip me. I fall down to my knees feeling as if all hope has been lost.

"Don't let me suffer. Give me an easy fast death but not this! Do not let me die slowly at the mercy of the elements" I cried aloud to no one.


Well, and there comes the climax to all that tension there I see, it looks like its all ending in despair after all. I really like how you show them just fall to the ground there in the end and sort of give up as well. Its almost like their hope falls along with them and well, they begin to just pray and hope for a quick end to their life....well certainly capturing despair quite well here.

The wind picks up, rustling the leaves and the snow around me. Stealing the silence that had fallen upon me. The universe heard my plea and it seems to have answered.

A pair of yellow eyes watch me with malicious intent ready to strike.


Well, we have ourselves a rather mysterious ending there...although well I guess its not exactly a mystery that something will attack and kill this person here...but well, it certainly does a good job as a prologue establishing a pretty interesting world here, and well it certainly makes you think.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: At any rate, we have ourselves a pretty solid little prologue right here, and well after seeing this I would definitely continue reading. Anyway...that is about all that I've gotta say here. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Fri Oct 07, 2016 5:19 am
Xorsudite wrote a review...



See mine (notes) and /*edits*/ below.

Everything is a blur/*,*/ (comma needed) but I keep on running (solid first sentence). I keep stumbling, falling, and hitting almost every tree (to me, this sounds as if he/she is literally ramming into the tree. Which, quite frankly, would cause a LOT of hurt) /*The rocks and vines at my feet threaten my balance, and the pine trees stand tall in my way*/. The wind seems to be a gift from the gods at this moment in time as it gives me an extra push every time my legs pulse and ache with fatigue (too damn wordy) /*The wind at my back is my only companion, propelling my aching legs forward*/. My tears are stained black due to the ruined eyeliner /*My cheeks are stained black with tears and eyeliner, leaving dark drops in the pale snow*/. and as they fall away they leave insignificant traces of my sorrow in the innocent pale snow. (too damn wordy. Also, lessen up on the adjectives)

The past 24 hours play in my minds' eye (typical mistake. The apostrophe ONLY goes after the "s" if the noun is plural. Example: My mind's eye. Their minds' eyes. Savvy?), like a move set /*film on fast-forward*/ on repeat that is meant to torture what is left of my hope . I have no other choice; either stay behind and get killed or try to escape while I still had the chance. (redundant. You've already painted the picture that she's running from something scary. Also, SHOW, don't tell. For instance: what the hell happened in the past 24 hours? Giving us light on this matter would undoubtedly make this excerpt much more intense, as well as build upon the story)

My feet sink into the deepening layer of snow /*My pace slows as the snow deepens*/. The air grows colder, (remove the comma) as the /*night suppresses the setting sun*/ sun slowly sets (for the crossed out phrase, I find the word "slowly" to be redundant. This is real life, not Zelda: Ocarina of Time). I need to find some shelter and soon. The only thing I can see is the stark contrast of the endless green pine trees with the grayish snow. (redundant. We already know about the trees and the snow. Also, the reader can already deduce from the situation that she will take refuge in whatever shelter she may find)

Sudden (refrain from using "sudden" or "suddenly" for ANYTHING. It is WAY too clichéd) sweeping sadness grip me. I fall down to my knees feeling as if all hope has been lost. /*I fall to my hands and knees as fatigue and despair take over me. I struggle to catch my breath, but the freezing air bites painfully through my lungs.*/

"Don't let me suffer./*" I wheeze to no one. "*/Give me an easy /*and*/ fast death but not this! Do not let me die slowly at the mercy of the elements/*.*/" (added period) I cried aloud to no one. (to me, "cried aloud" seems improper for the situation. When you sprint long enough, your lungs start to burn, and it becomes difficult to breathe. It's your body telling you, "I can't take anymore." Furthermore, she's breathing cold air, which irritates the lungs and windpipe. Ergo, crying aloud in these conditions would be quite the challenge. Lastly, mismatched tense.)

The wind picks up, rustling the leaves and the snow around me. Stealing the silence that had fallen upon me. The universe heard my plea and it seems to have answered.

/*The universe hears my plea, and answers. The wind becomes violent, clouding my sight with leaves and snow powder. Through the viel, I see a pair of menacing yellow eyes leering right at me, piercing through my soul.*/ (between "menacing" and "yellow", describe the eyes. Are they round? Cat-like? Fish-like? Reptilian? What?)

A pair of yellow eyes watch me with malicious intent ready to strike.


Analysis: First-person, present tense.

Overall, you have what could be a very deep paranormal story. As you progress through this novel, I would recommend taking time to delve into the narrator's personality. As she is now...well, there's nothing to say. Given the character is wearing eyeliner, I'm guessing it's a she.

The cliffhanger at the end was clever and well-excecuted; it makes me wonder what will happen next. Will Yellow Eyes eat her up, or will something or someone save her at the last frightening moment? Or will Yellow Eyes do something to her that will change her forever? Lastly, is Yellow Eyes the only one of its kind, or are there more? These are things I feel need expanding upon.

Lastly, we need to work on the title; it's unimaginative. As you progress through this novel, I would recommend devising something catchy, intriguing, and relative to the plot.

Keep practising. You have talent; I can see it. And I don't say that to be flattering.






Thank you I appreciate it :)



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Wed May 04, 2016 6:35 pm
SkiesAsunder says...



Overall, I like the idea of what you're trying to do. It draws me in, and I want to know what happens. However...

Usually, people are told to use adjectives to describe the scene and give the reader a good picture of what is happening. That's the way I was taught in English class, and that's what I did for a good portion of my writing.

However, as a reader, I've found that there are times when adjectives don't work. I feel like this is a fast paced, intense scene. Yet, as a reader, that feeling is also lost when each sentence has several adjectives describing the same thing.

Now, in slower paced stories, this works fine. Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series is a good example of an extremely long, extremely slow, and extremely detailed story. Each book is several hundred pages long, and there are fourteen books in the series, but each sentence is also very detailed.

Basically, figure out pacing. Do you want a fast-paced and action intense story? If you do, I would generally stay away from a lot of adjectives in a single sentence and spread them out in several sentences. Be a little descriptive with the scene, but don't make it too long (most people who read fast-paced stories pay less attention to descriptions and will skip them if given the chance). If you want a slower-paced story, go ahead and use long sentences. Keep most of the adjectives. If you want to do this, though, I would suggest adding even more description. Just don't make each sentence too long, and pay close attention to punctuation.

Remember that this is only a suggestion. You can take it, leave it, or do your own research/soul searching and decide on your own. It's all up to you!




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Wed May 04, 2016 6:35 pm
SkiesAsunder wrote a review...



Overall, I like the idea of what you're trying to do. It draws me in, and I want to know what happens. However...

Usually, people are told to use adjectives to describe the scene and give the reader a good picture of what is happening. That's the way I was taught in English class, and that's what I did for a good portion of my writing.

However, as a reader, I've found that there are times when adjectives don't work. I feel like this is a fast paced, intense scene. Yet, as a reader, that feeling is also lost when each sentence has several adjectives describing the same thing.

Now, in slower paced stories, this works fine. Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series is a good example of an extremely long, extremely slow, and extremely detailed story. Each book is several hundred pages long, and there are fourteen books in the series, but each sentence is also very detailed.

Basically, figure out pacing. Do you want a fast-paced and action intense story? If you do, I would generally stay away from a lot of adjectives in a single sentence and spread them out in several sentences. Be a little descriptive with the scene, but don't make it too long (most people who read fast-paced stories pay less attention to descriptions and will skip them if given the chance). If you want a slower-paced story, go ahead and use long sentences. Keep most of the adjectives. If you want to do this, though, I would suggest adding even more description. Just don't make each sentence too long, and pay close attention to punctuation.

Remember that this is only a suggestion. You can take it, leave it, or do your own research/soul searching and decide on your own. It's all up to you!




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Wed May 04, 2016 10:13 am
ScarlettFire wrote a review...



Hello RadiantShadow! Scarlett here to review this prologue for you!

First off, as I begin to read this, I feel the need to give you a disclaimer; I generally don't like first person, present tense. Given that, I can deal with it. I did read The Hunger Games after all. XD So, expect me to complain about that occasionally. I promise to keep it a minimum, though! Bear with me as I read this and comment on things I notice that could be improved or need work. ^^

The wind seems to be a gift from the gods at this moment in time as it gives me an extra push every time my legs pulse and ache with fatigue.

This is a very long sentence. I would suggest breaking it up? Maybe something like "The wind seems to be a gift from the gods at this moment. It gives me an extra push every time my legs pulse and ache with fatigue." Looks and flows much better, right?

My tears are stained black due to the ruined eyeliner, and as they fall away they leave insignificant traces of my sorrow in the innocent pale snow.

This is another long sentence which could be broken up. Also, I'm sorry, but it's so cliche! Especially this part; "innocent pale snow". It bugs me, and I'm not sure why. Also for fixing the length, perhaps something like "My tears are stained black due to the ruined eyeliner I wear. As they fall away, they leave insignificant traces of my sorrow in the pristine, pale snow." Much better, yeah?

The past 24 hours play in my minds' eye,

I generally try to avoid using numbers like this in my novels. That's just a personal choice. I prefer to write the numbers out. So 24 would turn into twenty-four. It looks much nicer.

"Don't let me suffer. Give me an easy fast death but not this! Do not let me die slowly at the mercy of the elements" I cried aloud to no one.

You forgot the comma after "elements". Just pointing that out for you. ^^

Stealing the silence that had fallen upon me.

Fractured sentence. I would change this to "It steals the silence that has fallen upon me", which makes more sense when you look at the sentence before it.

A pair of yellow eyes watch me with malicious intent, ready to strike.

I just love this line. It's pretty foreboding. I'm correct in thinking that's a wolf, right?

Overall, I'm liking this prologue. It's got just enough mystery to it to make me flip the page to chapter one. It makes me want to read more. Bravo for that. Prologues can be hard to get right. With some small adjustments, this could be a really good example of a prologue done right. I would like a little more to this, though. Maybe describe the area a bit more? Are there trees? Is it cold? (Obviously, it gets colder, but I believe that's the first mention of coldness?) You've got the fatigue down, so that's good. But give us a bit more of what the character's feeling--just a little bit--and you'll be good.

If you ever edit this or anything, please let me know, I'd love to take another look at it. As for the actual plot/story. I'm really curious to know what or who (obviously, it's a wolf, but humour me here) is trying to kill this girl. I'm assuming it's a girl, considering the reference to eyeliner. I could be wrong, so feel free to correct me! I've got a really mysterious feeling about this. Too many questions, not enough answers. Not that that's bad or anything! It can be good. It really makes me want to read more.

Remember; keep it up and never stop writing!

~ Scarlett.






Thank you so much for the review! I will edit this before I write the first chapter. Also this is the first time I'm using the present tense while writing because I hate it too but I want to explore it a bit :D PS yes it is a girl :D :P



ScarlettFire says...


Have fun experimenting with it! It can be pretty hard to do present tense in a serious novel. Especially when you're not exactly a fan. XD Awesome! I was right! Good luck with the writing! ^^



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Wed May 04, 2016 12:15 am
JustJasper wrote a review...



This is a really interesting work. I like how you began with an action to pull readers into your story, I could only notice a few things that need to be fixed. First is the tense you use:

I have no other choice; either stay behind and get killed or try to escape while I still had the chance.

You start off in present tense using the word have and then you change to past tense in the same sentence saying had. You didn't do this much but in the future when writing be careful of this. Another thing is when you say "The universe heard my plea and it seems to have answered." You write this but then describe a pair of malicious eyes, that doesn't sound like the universe heard or answered this persons plea in my opinion.

Overall your introduction is good and keeps readers engaged.






Thank you so much for the review! I'll work on the tenses Also the last part I tried to say that a wolf is about to eat her I'll add some more detail to make it better.




I say, in matters of the heart, treat yo' self.
— Donna, Parks & Rec